JOSHIENIZER

The Opposite Of Mirror Images

2011-01-25T23:59:00.006-05:00

You are like the rage of a hurricane, I am like the calm before the storm.
You like things one can touch, I like things that touch one's heart.
You love the highways, I love the winding roads.
You smile only when you have to, I cry only when I have to.
You wonder if I could ever be the reason of your sadness. I find it hard just to see you sad.
You are red, I am yellow.
You are like a sunset and I am like a sunrise.
You like to shoot for the stars, I like to stare at the moon.
You are like the moon, beautiful and shining. I am like the earth, whom you light up when darkness falls.
You are like the ocean and I am like the sand.

You will have your high and low tides and I, like the sand, will relish soaking myself in your warmth during the highs and patiently wait by you during the lows.

You and I are different like soil and water. And yet we are the same. Coz no one knows if its the ocean which covers the sand or the sand which holds the ocean. But without one, the other cannot sustain.

The Final Countdown

2008-10-14T23:59:00.010-04:00

As some of you have guessed and most of you now know, today is this blogs 4th anniversary. However, the countdown was for a different reason, so read on.

Why did I ever start blogging? When I was in India (2004), I was introduced to blogging by Abhi and Alap. I did find it weird at first. What do I have to write? My life is not even remotely interesting and I am hardly opinionated. I thought I would use this blog as an online journal. A repository for random thoughts, events, stories and reflections, right down to answering the question - Why Me?. Perhaps some memories or not so interesting news and musings. I thought my grandkids would read this and think I was such a rockstar. But with time as this blog evolved, I realized there was more to it. I was confident some chick will read this, think I was so cool (What? I can cook and I can iron clothes - isn't that what every woman looks for in a man?) and go "Marry me!" Jokes apart, there was a difference between writing a blog and scribbling in that pink heart shaped diary everyone has (come on! I know you have one of those).

I realized a blog could be the outlet to my different interests. My ability to play with words, explore different areas and invent new recipes. And looking back, I have four years of documented "Apoorva's Life". Right from the hotties I stalked, the salmon kebabs to being chased by monkeys.

But above all this, I have come to know some amazing people. Some like and some not-so-like minded people. People from different countries and people from different professions. Doctors and artists to research scientists and photographers. Some I know superficially and some have turned out to be really good friends. And this by far has been the most rewarding part of blogging. Every post feels like an event I am hosting where everyone stops by. Some stay around for a while and interact. Some peek by (and leave with the free beer). And I, play the humble host!

However, have you heard of that person who hosts a party just because people expect him to do so. That he no longer enjoys it the way he used to, but hosts it. When I started blogging, I started slow and as it grew on me, I blogged more frequently. I loved it. I was blogging almost every other day. Then it became a weekly affair. Perhaps it was blogger's block which set in. Perhaps I just got wary of my surroundings and it limited my creativity, or my freedom of speech (text?). But I never got over it. I should have stopped long time ago. Long, long time ago. But I dragged on and almost made this blog look a ghost town. If you visit a blog few times and are greeted by the same post, you know its almost dead.

Yes, I should have stopped long time ago. And what I should have done then, I would rather do it now! Its time to shut this part of my life and start another that I have been contemplating since many months!

However, this is certainly not the end of our interaction. Well, at least I speak for those who have a blog (or have me on facebook). I will be visiting your blogs and many of you know that I do respond to emails or posts on my 'Wall' faster than I answer my phone! And why do I feel I will reappear someday on the blogosphere. Perhaps back here, or perhaps somewhere else.

I was talking to a friend few hours ago and something hilarious came up. I was almost about to say, "You know I am going to blog this!" and stopped myself short.

This might take time getting used to.

And before I leave, I know everyone is looking at me for those departing words of wisdom. Most of us spend our life thinking of doing many a thing, but never get around to doing it. We blame it on time, and our ever packed schedules and working at jobs which majority of us are not in love with. Remember life by what you did and not by what you wanted to do. The right moment to do what you always wanted to do, is NOW! And stop caring what the world thinks!

So looking back, did I achieve any of my primary objectives? Will my grandkids think I was a rockstar? Forget my grandkids, my Dad reads my blog and has decided to disown me! And as for that hot chick who was supposed to stop by my blog and say, "Marry Me!", all I can say is she is very lucky! She has not yet missed out on her chance to do so!

See you around!

4

2008-10-14T00:01:00.001-04:00

How do you celebrate your blog's fourth anniversary?

Any suggestions? If I like your idea, I'll send you a little anniversary gift! You have 24 hours to reply.

.... Happy Birthday Joshienizer!

To A Different Beat...

2008-10-12T00:56:00.001-04:00

If there is anything which comes close to a personal high, then this might be it.
*Warning - rather long post ahead*

"So you guys ready for football?", I asked, as some 15 faces stared at me, most of them confused.

When a colleague asked if I knew how to play soccer and was willing to coach a soccer team, I jumped at the opportunity. The challenge being it was a Special Olympics team. 15 athletes, girls and boys, mentally challenged to some capacity. Quite a challenge I thought. But it did make me nervous. How was I supposed to interact with them? I started doing the groundwork. Reading up on how to interact with these athletes. Took the required tests that a coach is required to take and here I was, July, Day 1, in front of 15 individuals who might have never seen an Indian guy, asking them if they were ready for football.

I was greeted with complete silence.

"Is that a yes, or a no?", I asked, deep down wondering if I was doing it right.

And then one voice out of the crowd says, "We are here for soccer!"

In the United States of America, its soccer! And soccer is what has consumed a good part of my life for the last three months. To say this experience has been out of the world would be an understatement. It has thrown out its challenges but at the same time its made me interact with the human mind on a completely different level.

The first day I was in a dilemma on how I would mix in with these athletes. Very soon I realized you interact with them just like you would interact with any person on a day-to-day basis. Just one rule - for every word of criticism, have five words of encouragement. It might take them a little longer to react and perhaps a little longer to understand, but they do get it. In the end, they do execute plans to perfection. As is normal with anyone who starts playing soccer, the aim is to shoot a goal. And thats what everyone was trying for on the team. So you had 10 atheletes run after the ball and shoot a goal. It was like a herd, all moving together, sometimes tripping each other in an effort to get to the ball.

Yes, it did take time to make them understand what is defence. It did take time to make them understand offense. But in the end, they did get it! It did take time to make them understand the importance of passing. To spread out in the field. To tackle. To take corners. Throw-in's. It did take time to make them understand, no matter who shoots the goal, the team wins! And it took many words of encouragement for them to brave the heat and the cold for 45 minutes. But in the end, they did it all.

By the end of September, passing was more important than scoring a goal. Defense was at par with offense. And it didnt matter which position you play. It didnt matter who scored the goal. The team won. Passing became more important than scoring and defense became the powerhouse on which the offense built their game.

Last week of September, we headed for the regional play-off's. We lost our first game 3-1. I could see some disappointed faces. But that was the warm-up cum wake-up call we needed. What followed was a complete decimation of the opponents. With scores ranging from 1-0 all the way to 5-1. The regional tournament being a league, rather than play-off's, we ended up taking silver (the first team which beat us ended up with on same points). But that put us on way to state level which was played this weekend (10/11 Oct.) at Detroit.

There were 4 teams from my area and we rented a bus and some 60 of us drove down to Detroit. It was one fun trip. We had games on Friday followed by dinner and a dance after which we turned Best Western upside down. This was followed by games on Saturday. Like I said, after that first match loss at regional, we were a team transformed. What followed after that loss was an unbeaten run all the way to the final. And the final had all the drama one could ask for. We trailed 0-1 at half-time. A rebound off our goalie went straight to one of the opposite team's forwards and it was an easy shot into the goal. Half-way through the second half, DN took a shot from mid-field and it sailed into the right corner of the goal. 1-1. What followed was a penalty shoot-out which we comprehensively won. And we were very proud to show off our Gold medal!!

Hall of Fame moment:

- The goalie was a girl (ER). Some people were concerned about this, but I felt she was the best goalie I had ever come across and I was adamant that she be goalie. Once she walked up to me and expressed a desire to play forward. We let her play forward and she shot a goal. She loved it, but she came back as goalie coz she knew this is where the team required her. "If you stop a goal, I say you have scored one", is what I said to her and she just smiled. When the finals went to a penalty shoot-out, she came up to and said, "I hate shoot-outs". "This is where you get to be the hero", I said, "Dont let even one past you!" And thats exactly what she did. She put her body behind the ball, she dived, she took a ball on her face. She cramped a thigh muscle but she didnt let a single ball through. We didn't even have to go five kicks a side. When she blocked the fourth kick, we were up 2-0. And I ran and gave her this huge bear hug. And she hugged me back and said, "I still hate shoot-outs, coach!" There was one guy on my team who shot close to 10 goals in the tournament. But ER was my hero (heroine)!

Hilarious/lovable moments:

- EC was a cookie/brownie monster. He was playing for the junior team (I was not his coach), but I used to interact with him quite a lot. I was walking to the players area when I saw him returning from a game (which the team had won). He had just eaten a brownie on the way and his lips were all smeared with chocolate. He saw me and made a mad dash, shouting, "We won, I shot a gooooooooal" and hugged me, his face going smack onto my shoulder. Rest of the day, I was walking around wearing a shirt with chocolate colored lip marks on its shoulder.

- During practice, we had our back-up goalie (EV) in the nets. Someone took a shot which went over his head. EV walks up to me and says, "Not fair. No goal. It went over my head." "But EV, thats allowed. You have to stop it", I said. "No!! No over my head! No GOAL" and he stomped off.

- During a match I had EV as goalie and the other team had to take a corner. They had no idea how to take a corner. EV walks up with an athlete of the opposite team to the corner, places the ball on the corner, waits with the other team athlete till the opposite team players show up on our side of the field. Then he talks to the other athlete telling him how to kick the ball. All this while I am going crazy on the other side of the field, shouting, "EV!!! Get back in the goal! You are the goalie. If she kicks the ball, we dont have a goalie!! Get back, get back..." All the spectators are rolling in laughter.

- I sent EV in as sub during the final. "You are playing defence and you mark # 10. Dont let him past you. Bring him down" EV is a 5'2" little fella. #10 from the opposite team was a 6'1", 220 lb Afro-American. EV follows #10 like a hawk. And swoops in when #10 gets the ball. First, he goes for the ball, misses it. Realizes the ball is out of reach and #10 is getting away. So he takes one big swing at #10's feet. Hits. #10 limps for a second, but still has the ball. EV head-butt's #10's stomach and sends #10 rolling over. Ref calls foul. EV looks at me, fist up in the air. "Coach, I brought him down"

- AX was the most hilarious guy around. Everytime you look at him, he would smile. He could eat anytime of the day. He got along very well with me, and was this totally lovable guy with an amazing sense of humor. His passion was dancing. During the regionals I caught him on video just dancing by himself. As we went to state, I asked him if he could teach me to dance. "I suck at dancing AX. All girls run away when they watch me dance.", I said. "Oh, cute", was his reply. At the Friday night dance, he decided to give me some tips during 'Who let the dogs out'. I have him on video over here.

- During the regionals, some cute teenage (17-19) university girls came around for some campaign they were working on. AX did an Elvis imitation and got them totally hooked. After sometime he walks up to them and says, "I turn 30 this Saturday. You are all welcome to my house for an all night party"

The Moment Of Truth:

Its Friday night and all the special olympics athletes were dancing. It must be a few 100 of them, dancing away. The DJ turns on some slow music (Unchained Melody) and most athletes are dancing with their mom, or dad. DN (who had a habit of saying coach after every second word) walks up to me.

DN: Coach, you should dance coach!
ME: Nah DN, I am good.
DN: Ask some girl to dance coach.
ME: No DN, I am good.
DN: You like a girl coach? This is where you ask her to dance!
ME: I cant! My wife would not like it.
DN: You have a wife?
ME: Two!
DN: Two?
ME: One in NY, one in India.
DN: Cool! (walks away with a huge smile on his face)

I used to do my little bit - organizing an "adopt a family" over Xmas at work, volunteering to hand out food to the homeless during thanksgiving etc. However, it left some quentions lingering. This was a completely different experience. It kept me mentally stimulated (very important for someone like me), and I got an understanding of how the human mind works on different levels. It taught me to lead, to follow and in the end, just enjoy and not bother what happens. Its taught me never to give up. When we trailed 0-1, none of the players gave up. We just kept going at it. Its made me apprecite life much more and once again ask myself why we run this rat race in our everyday life when in the end everyone goes back to mother earth. Its made me appreciate people who work in many a thankless jobs/professions.

Some of the kids stutter, and stutter so much that it might take them a good 20 secs. to say "Hello, how are you?" Can you imagine the patience level when you have to work with them everyday? DN, the lead scorer on my team had the biggest mood swings. Half-way through a match, he decides he does not want to play because he has to conserve his enery for another sport which is a month from now. How do you convince him in the middle of the game? Can you imagine saying something and then repeating couple of times just so the other person understands it? Can you imagine doing this everyday of your life?

Finally, what do we do in our everyday life to make a better community? Sometimes, you need to live a different beat.

... 3 days to go!

Women And Malaria

2008-10-09T01:15:00.001-04:00

Was talking with a friend and the topic of her matrimonial search came up. More so, the topic of a particular boy passed on by her parents came up, on which she commented, "He is too hairy"

"Hairy? I dont get you women! Its a problem if he has no hair and now its a problem if he is hairy. Did you know more money is being spent in a cure for hair loss over a cure for malaria? And its because of you women! I mean, how many times have you seen a chick go - I dig your bald spot? I tell ya, malaria exists because of you women!", was my rant. And I was confident that I had cracked the puzzle to why malaria was not yet eradicated.

That... till I wondered how many $$ are spent on silicone implants and botox?

So howz this as a deal? Men stop admiring "well endowed" women and women start admiring bald guys? And together, we can eradicate malaria?

P.S. - No points for guessing I am once again thinking of trying out the bald look!

....6 days to go!

Skydiving - Check

2008-10-06T00:53:00.000-04:00

Thinking - I seriously hope this guy on my back is not gay!

Did I feel something poking my ass?

Probably not. Perhaps somersaulting at 10000 ft. should be of higher concern than any poking. Is this even supposed to happen? The world sure seems weird upside down!

Need some orientation... time to get out the drogue (and breathe)

OK, this feels brilliant! I am gonna have spiked hair when I land!

Time to pull the cord. The canopy opened. God loves me!

Ok, so it was a crash land. There are times when having a huge soft padded butt could be an advantage!

Yes, I am DA MAN!

I think everyone should do this once. The 40 second free-fall is absolutely amazing and when you glide underneath your parachute, the world looks surreal! For two weeks, I have been trying to dive and for some reason the weather Gods were against me. Too many clouds. And this weekend was supposed to be no different. We spent Saturday night dancing at a friends wedding all the way to 3 AM and then I get a call at 8 AM asking me to look out of the window. Nice sunny day and not a cloud in the sky. And so we were off for skydiving. I kept yawning as I got into the jumpsuit. I kept yawning as the plane gained altitude. And I think I yawned during the free-fall. The instructor was rather amused at how I was all zonked and not jittery in any way. He actually checked to make sure I was not drunk!

I have a video of the entire free-fall, but am too lazy to rip the DVD. So meantime, you guys can enjoy this little preview of the build-up which a friend shot with my cam. And if I ever get around to it, I'll update this post with the freefall video.

Till then, I think you should skydive. At least once. On a cold Michigan Fall day. And have the wind cut through your skin. Its mind-numbing!

How To Lose Your Friends And Alienate Yourself

2008-10-04T15:21:00.000-04:00

Its Friday night. Well, effectively, Saturday morning. And the temperature on the east of Lake Michigan has dropped to a good 39 F. With the sudden chill thats spread over, RC and I decide to make this a Blockbuster night. FYI - Blockbuster night means renting DVD's from Blockbuster!

Now RC has never seen Eternal Sunshine of a Spotless Mind. And ages ago I had mentioned how I happened to find this movie so.... different! Well, different in a nice way. So despite many a protest, RC decides to rent Eternal Sunshine.

So there we are, sitting in front of the TV, munching pop-corn and watching the movie. I have made several attempts to sneak away and log onto the computer but RC insists I should keep her company. "If you so highly recommend a movie, you should watch it as well", are the the exact words.

Its an hour into the movie and I am so totally out of my mind. I love this movie, but tonite is so not an eternal sunshine night. Its more like an Incredible Hulk night (speaking of which, I was thinking of a remake of the Incredible Hulk which would star yours truly and would be called the Incredible HUNK. The first person I bounced this idea off almost died of laughter and hence I changed plans. But now I think it might make a good comedy. Anyways, I digress). Now those of you who might have seen the movie would know the Korgis - Everybody's Gotta Learn sometime is part of the soundtrack. And those who know me, know that I cant sing to save my soul.

As Kate Winslet walks onto the screen.

Me: (singing) Change your heaaaaaart, Look arounddddd you...
(I get a stare from RC, who has probably heard me sing for the first time)

Me: (singing) Change your heaaaaaart, it will astoooooound you

RC: OK, stop!

Me: (singing) I neeeeed your lovingggggg....

RC: I missed out on what they were saying. Shut up or I am going to beat you up! (waves remote at me)

Me: (sings) Like the sunshiiiiiiine
-whack- -whack- -whack-

Me: Oh yeah! I like that! Hit me more!

RC: (rolls eyes and goes back to watching the movie)

Me: (sings) Like the sunshine....

RC: Why dont you surf the net?

What can I say? Everybody's Gotta Learn Sometimes!!

The world is against me. I was typing this post at 1 AM and the net went off. I had no option but to return to Eternal Sunshine....

... 10 days to go!

Bull By Its Balls

2008-10-02T02:07:00.000-04:00

Current sentiment on Wall St.

My buddy Sharma reflecting on the Dow Jones 777 drop!

The Bull is being kicked on its balls!

What I was not aware of was how the traffic to my blog flows when the Dow Jones fluctuates. On a normal day, my blog will get anywhere between 50-60 hits (yes, no one reads my blog). However, when the DOW goes crazy, everyone runs to my blog. As you can see, the day the Dow dropped, # of visitors to my blog jumped 10 times, and the next day, it jumped by 20 times.

So when the Dow drops, all of Wall St. turns to my blog!

...12 days to go!

Weighty Issue

2008-09-29T23:29:00.000-04:00

Usually I am not the kinds who makes New Year resolutions. And even if I do, I keep them to myself. However, this year was different. Bakshi, Pals and moi spent the turn of the year down in Miami walking our sorry asses all over the sands of South Beach. I think Jan 2008 was when I probably weighed the maximum that I have in my 29 years of existence. One thing about South Beach is 99% of the guys have that lean mean toned body (dont get the wrong idea here, I was checking out the women, but some of them had guys by their side). So there I was, belly out, standing out amongst the crowd (not in a good way!).

As the fireworks went off and the clock struck midnight, Bakshi pledged to return to India and build a company which would put the Ambani's to shame, Pals pledged to continue in his spiritual bliss and put baba Ramdev to shame and me, a man of simple dreams and for whom anything spirit-ual means alcohol, pointed at one of those lean mean toned body types and said, "I am gonna be HIM!"

So back I was in Grand Rapids, making my way through a foot of snow to the gym and using the treadmill. And then I used to walk out, feel depressed of the weather and have that chocolate milkshake to lighten up my mood. But jokes apart, I kept going through the routine like a zombie just coz I wanted to lose weight. I never really loved what I did. But just did it, coz I had to. Lift weights, run, lift weights, run. By the time I left for India I was down by some 10 lbs which I gained back in no time.

Returning from India I started to reassess the situation. I spend a good 45-60 mins in the gym, but the results dont show. And at the end of the day, I am half dead and not so happy. I stopped viewing weight loss and exercise as a directly proportional relationship and started factoring in other conditions. What did I love doing? In Bombay, I love walking around. I walk from my place to the beach which is a good 45 min walk and then walk back. When I head downtown, I walk. I love exploring different parts of the city on foot. And I started doing the same here. Walking around the neighborhood. Exploring different parts of the city on foot. The walk slowly turned into a jog. I remember my first run. Half a mile and I was panting like an old dog. In a weeks time, I was hitting two miles. One fine day, I just pushed myself and ran the 5K. And since then there's been no looking back. Running outdoors has never been so much fun. You try to get into a rhythm and stick to it. Slowly you improve on your speed. You start running different trails. You realize how to shift gears when you hit a slope. How to push yourself that extra mile. How to challenge yourself on different runs. And in the end, you run your own race and keep feeling better and better as you hit one milestone after the other.

Today I cant wait to get out of office so I can get home and hit the trail. Nine months ago, I used to get out of work thinking, "Oh man, gotta go to the gym!" I was not a happy man. Today, I have factored something I like into that relationship of exercise and weight loss. And so far its worked well. And as the results get more and more noticeable, you start fine tuning things. Now I run 3 days a week, work-out at the gym 2 days of the week and leave one day as a buffer. I still eat what I like. I never say no to cookies :). I just make sure I have run the 5K before ordering that double chocolate sundae.

Today I am 30 lbs lighter from Jan 2008. I know the biggest challenge will start a month from now when it gets cold and I cant run in the open. I cant wait for it, just to see how I tackle it. To start the transition, I have already started running one day of the week at my university's indoor track. Its not as much fun, but there are ways to entertain oneself (count how many times you passed that hot chick who is walking the track etc.). And there is added pressure since I have this documented on my blog. Most of my friends have not seen me for some good 6-8 months or more. The last thing I want to hear when I bump into them is, "Whats this? We read on your blog you have lost weight? Doesnt seem so!"

It feels good to be back to my pre-USA weight. I am sure I'll maintain it. Now will everyone excuse me while I go get that chocolate milkshake!

... 15 days to go!

Broken Lives?

2008-09-26T00:48:00.000-04:00

From some of my previous posts -

"The human brain is also a muscle. And like any other muscle, you have to push it past its limits to make it grow. You have to break the muscle to rebuild it into something stronger and something bigger."

"There is a saying I believe in. If you aint getting your hands slapped once in a while, you aint pushing the boundaries far enough. To grow you need to pull out of that comfort zone."

"Till you dont push yourself out of your comfort zone you'll never know what you can achieve. For 20 years I stayed at the same job and didnt move, because of the security. The comfort. I finally decided to move here so I could be closer to home and give more time to my business. Now I wish I had done this 10 years ago. You have to get out of your comfort zone. Initially its hell, but in the end its worth it"

"If you look at something (roadways, buildings, code, people) and dont see any de/construction going on, then either they are dying.... or perhaps, already dead."

The human body works on a similar mechanism. Your skin will shed layers and regrow. Cells are destroyed and created faster than you can say "Chamarrione Balasubramanian". Growth starts with breaking things down. In most cases.

I wonder if its true when it comes to life? Life gives us shit (sometimes), or so we feel. Flunked that test even after studying super-hard? Boyfriend left you? Divorced? Lost your job? Life was smooth till someone close to you is suddenly no more? Has there been an event which has broken you down?

When you start training for a marathon (or a 5K), there is a good chance you will collapse on day 1 after running for a mile. There is a good chance you will collapse with muscle pain at two miles, or three miles. And there is a good chance you will give up. Those who do not give up, their muscles rebuild, endurance levels rise and once they overcome the initial pain, they can run the entire length.

Replace the marathon with weight training. Start lifting heavier weights and you will feel the pain. The muscle breaks, but rebuilds into something stronger.

The same goes with challenging yourself on a mental plane.

Is it the same when life challenges you? All of the above are voluntary actions. You decide if you want to run the marathon, lift weights or enjoy a game of Sudoku. What you do not decide is whether that hurricane is going to blow away your house. Or if you are going to marry a psycho who looked perfectly fine before marriage. Its something no normal human would plan or implement. But if it did not happen, perhaps you would not see life the way you see it now. Perhaps its life's way of rebuilding you. Of making you stronger in areas you never would have volunteered to experiment.

Remember, when the muscle starts to break is when you feel the maximum pain. But if you keep working on it, this same pain turns into your strength. All you do then is look back at how puny you were then and laugh at it, or how fat you were then and laugh it off. When your life starts to break up, is when you feel the maximum pain. If you can still keep going and push yourself through this temporary phase, you will come out stronger. And in the long run, you will look back and perhaps just laugh at it.

... 19 days to go!

Tag Karma

2008-09-23T00:52:00.002-04:00

I think its high time I caught up on some tags before 'tag karma' bites me back. I have no clue what tag karma is, I just made it up, so dont ask! Anyways....

I was tagged ages ago by Solitaire to list down some embarassing moments (like every other post in this blog was not enough). I think there might be a thin line between embarassing and funny, and in most cases, I cant define that line. Everything looks funny to me. But well....

- When I was interviewing for this job, and had my interview with the hiring manager, I ended up sitting in his chair. He went out to get coffe, asked me to grab a seat (I swear he pointed in a direction which led to his chair) and when he returned, there I was enjoying his comfy office chair. If any of you are wondering, yes, I did receive a job offer and I did take it up. And no, its not the place I currently work at.

- I cant think of any other embarassing moments. Heck, yeah, once I refused to wear pants (please note I was 5 years old then). I have no clue why, but one fine morning I refused to wear pants. So my Mom threw me out of the house and that freaked me out. This resulted in a lot of loud crying, which brought out the neighbors. So here I was, standing outside my house, minus pants, with neighbors staring at me. Please note (again) I was five years old. And I am not too sure who was embarassed more. My neighbors, or myself. But why am I not surprised that one of my neighbors moved out all the way to Spain after that incident. Abhi's (who is my neighbor) mom still keeps smiling when she looks at me and my third neighbor just cranks up his TV volume so in case I repeat this act again, he wont hear me cry and hopefully miss out on the event! Once again people, I was 5 years old, so stop imagining things! And Mom, if you are reading this - thank you for tossing me out of the house, else I would have never worn pants!

And now that I have grossed you guys out and done my one evil deed of the day, I shall move on to my next tag.

So I have been tagged by Khizzy in her top five choices for a 'Brilliant Weblog' award (I tell ya people, I am so moving to Pakistan!). You could probably go read the rules etc. on her post. You just have to pass on five people whose blogs you find interesting. Thats tough for me, coz I have a ton of blogs I visit and find many interesting. But I'll throw out five here, which for some reason captivate me. I shall omit those who already have this award, those I have already tagged in this post and those who are not blogging so frequently.

1. DewdropDream - Love the way she plays with words. If I apply to B-school, I am hiring her to write my essays!

2. Tazeen - You got to love her. She takes inspiration from me telling her that her blog is boring. So she holds a live grenade in her hand and clicks photos of classmates sleeping (alone and with each other) during a training in Italy!

3. Princess Banter - She will blog once a month, but make the wait worth it. I just like her style and ways she blows you off with some of her theories (or her friends theories)

4. Menagerie - She can put down the most ordinary day of her life in the most amazing fashion possible.

5. Iyerospace - Just so everyone believes I am not reading blogs written by women! But Iyer is Iyer. Leave your brains aside and read his blog. Its like watching a Govinda movie. Dont apply too much logic to it. A good break from the serious sorts!

6. Mahi - I know I was supposed to tag only five, but I have to tag Mahi more out of fear, else the next time I log onto gchat, I am in for a message which goes something like, "WTF dude! Why was I not tagged! I should be #1 out there! Tag me! NOW!!"

... 21 days to go!

Dog Wars: Revenge Of The Bitch

2008-09-19T01:49:00.000-04:00

Some things never change. Dogs chased me then, dogs chase me now! In fact, its become a routine.

I jog every other day around the block and there is this one dog who chases me the entire length of his lawn (thank God for electric fences). Its 15 seconds when we are running parallel, 3 meters from each other. Its like he is almost waiting there, everyday, 6 PM, thinking "Where is that fat Indian asshole? Just, where is he?!" And as I make an appreance, he does his little canine gig!

Another half a mile into my run and there is a stretch of houses, each one with a dog. So when I run past them its like a dogs musical. The first dog will let out a bark which will warn the others to line up. Within a fraction of a second, each one is out on his/her lawn, growling, barking, randomly running to and fro trying to get a piece of me. There is a miniature pinscher which might be as big as my palm, but likes to come out and bark at me as I run through. Sometimes I wonder if I went running at 6 AM, it would wake up the entire neighborhood.

In the past I have thought of making a movie (or perhaps a reality show) on these dogs (or bitches?) chasing me around and calling it Dog Wars: Revenge Of The Bitch (ripped off from Star Wars: Revenge of the Sith). Why do I feel most of America is crazy enough to tune in to a live feed of an Indian running in Michigan, and being chased by dogs. Perhaps every dog could have a number and they could take bets as to which one will break through the electric fence and have a piece of me! Or perhaps I am just going crazy!

Today as I walked into the main entrance of my apartment, I noticed a flock of Geese standing right there, staring at me. I tried to shoo them away but they would not budge. And when I got too close, they tried to attack me! So here I was, being chased by Geese (those birds are mighty cool tho'. They put their head down and come straight at ya!).

I tell ya, I am so a candidate for prime-time NBC reality shows!

Wet Balls

2008-09-14T00:01:00.000-04:00

Michigan has three primary religions. 20% Christian. 2% other and 78% FOOTBALL.

And now that football season has kicked in, every Saturday is spent with friends, drinking, eating and cursing Michigan as they fumble, get sacked and lose!

Today, in midst of the Michigan v/s Notre Dame game, which was watched by 9 drunk Casucasians and 1 drunk Indian, it started raining (at the game). The commentator says, "Both teams had been expecting rain and were seen practicing with wet balls before this game"

Yes, we are still laughing.

... 30 days to go!

Why I Should Move To Pakistan!

2008-09-13T01:06:00.000-04:00

Coz women in Pakistan who are chosen as "blogger of the month" nominate me in their pick for top 5 blogs (Ok, only one woman does, but what the hell. My 2 secs in the limelight!).

Here is the article. Look for #7.

And also I could hunt down Wasim Akram. Dont ask me why. I just need him to help me out with my run-up and bowling style. Abhi had a post on my bowling style, unfortunately I couldnt find it to link to it. Anyways, I digress.

Thanks Tazeen!

...31 days to go!

Fanaa: Attack Of The Gujju Ladies

2008-09-07T23:03:00.001-04:00

I was reading the many posts I had in draft and came across this one I wrote way back in June 2006. Since its been a while that I have blogged about being hounded by Gujju aunties, here goes, a blast from the past!

Note: The post is as was typed in June 2006.

--------------------------------------------------------

26th May, Vin and myself decide to head out to the ~~desiplex~~ cinemaplex at Laurel and watch the 9 PM Fanaa show. Irrespective of what people had to say, I couldnt miss an Aamir-Kajol starrer. As is the norm when one goes with me for a movie, we reached a good one hour early. I always like to be a lil early and get the 'better' seats.

"We will start entry by 8:30 or so", said the lady who handed me the tickets. Half an hour passes by and I jump into the cinema hall and go grab one of the 'better' seats. Vin walks in a few minutes later, amused at my antics. And then, one by one, all the Patel, Shah and Mehta families start walking in. The row in front of me gets loaded by aunties who should be charged double for admission, and the row behind me by a family who prolly needed 3 vans to get them to the theatre. And then the row in front and the row behind me realize they know each other and start yapping across in the most fluent Gujju.

Row behind me: "Aitla aagad kem, aiyaa paachad aavo"
Row in front of me: "Aitloo paachad thee majja naa aave, aagad thee saras"

(Translated, "Why so in front, come here behind" - "Its no fun from behind, front is good").

Vin does not understand Gujarati and I really didnt wanna translate this. Couple of minutes pass by and soon the entire theatre is getting jam packed with Gujjus. Worse. They happen to know everyone around! And the scene soon resembled one of a Mumbai fish market, minus the smell. And in all this a friend of mine (also a Patel) calls up.

"Where are you?"
"In the theatre, for Fanaa"
"Ok, even I am coming, can u buy tickets for me?"
"Ok..."
"5 tickets. I have my finacee, bro in law, mom in law and dad in law. So buy 5 tickets and hold 5 places."
"Ok..."

So I walk out and get 5 tickets, and Vin n me are now strategically seated. Me on an aisle seat, and Vin, on the other side, leaving 5 seats between us. And this is when all the fun starts.

The cinema hall soon gets all packed up. And Gujju aunties keep walking up to me.

"Are those seats taken?"
"yes"

Thats how the conversation went most of the time. With a few exceptions.

One Gujju Auntie walks up and starts going past me, assuming the people on the first row were all blind and missed these five spots in the back-row.

"Sorry, someone is coming here"
"Oh, I just want one seat"
"Yes, but there are 7 of us, so we need all these seats"
"You cant give me one seat?"
"I am sorry....."

Then walk in two ~~hot~~ super-hot ABCD chicks.

"Are these seats taken?"
What followed was the biggest trauma of my life. Do I say yes and ask them to move on, and live the rest of my life with the Patel family, or, do I say no, and live the rest of my life with super-hot ABCD chicks. Happily.
"Yeah, I am sorry. ~~But you can sit on my lap~~"
"All of them? We just need twooooo seats", says one of the super hot chick, all pouting, as she runs her fingers through her hair.
"Yup, all of them. I have some folks coming in soon"
-Sigh-

So while I sit there all frustrated, Mr. Patel calls, saying he is outside. Vin says there is no way he can handle the Gujju clan while I am gone, so he happily volunteers to go out and get the Patels, while now I have to man both sides of the fort. Vin = sissy!

And this is when two Gujju ladies with a little kid who apparently looked more clever than the ladies start walking past me.

"Ma'am, these are all taken"
"All??? I just need two!!", said Gujju lady 1, staring at me, with wide eyes. Trust me, scary sight.
"Sorry, I have someone coming here."
"REALLY? WHERE ARE THEY?", she screams at me in the most rude fashion, almost making me jump in my seat.

And her rudeness suddenly makes me snap.

"They are in the restroom. If you wait for a couple of minutes, you could meet them. But if you are really anxious, you can go to the restroom"

Gujju Lady 2: "Whats he saying?"
Gujju Lady 1: "He says we can wait for few minutes and if no one shows up we can sit"
Gujju Lady 2: "That is so stupid. Hull-o? You cant say that. We want to sit."
Me: "Ma'am, I didnt say that. These seats are taken", and I repeat what I had said, minus the meeting them in the restroom part.

Gujju Lady 1: "This is not correct. You cant reserve seats like this. I am going in."
Me: "Ma'am if you are so the believer of the right and the wrong, and what is correct and what is not, then it is only virtuous that all the people who asked me if they could sit here before you did should get the option of sitting here, rather than the front row they are sitting in now. So let me go get those people first and if they decline my offer of a better seat to what they are seated in for now, you could sit here. Dont you think that is 'correct'?"

And I have never seen such confused faces. And then I heard the words I was so expecting to hear.

Gujju Lady 1: "I am calling the manager"
Me: "~~Sure, I know you need someone to translate my last few words of wisdom~~ If I were you, I wouldnt waste my time. Coz by the time you get the manager, my folks would be here, happily seated, and you would not be able to prove anything. More so, by standing and making a senseless argument here, you are losing some of the available seats and might end up on the front row"

Mentally, I was wondering what the hell is taking Vin so long. And also, when is she gonna slap me.

Fortunately Vin appeared with the Patel clan, and Gujju Ladies gave me the 'I would kill you if I could' look and moved on.

Vin: "Whats up with those ladies man? I am scared of this place. I have never seen so many Gujjus in Bangalore. And this is freaking Maryland, USA! I am never coming here again"

Me? I am going for the next big release for sure. And holding up seats. I have never had so much fun. And I have never seen this side of me before. The arrogant-screw-you side!

The two Gujju ladies, I thank y'all for awakening the devil in me!

**Disclaimer (to any Gujju reading this, or anyone who found any content offensive):
I love Gujjus. Many of my close friends/family are Gujjus. Please take this post in the same humour as its written. I also know its wrong to hold seats, but all the Gujjus should forgive me since I was holding them for five Patels!

.... 37 days to go!

Macchar Jhol

2008-09-03T00:30:00.001-04:00

I headed off with a good school friend to this bar in Chicago where we were supposed to meet a group of his friends and their extended friends. Very soon there were some 20 of us in a bar with music so loud that I could not hear their names when introduced. So I settled down with my regular drink and caught highlights of the Michigan v/s Utah game and drank some more over Michigans loss.

Just then this girl crashed onto the barstool next to mine. Almost out of breath with the dancing and perhaps a little too drunk. In my eyes, entertainment had just planted its butt next to mine.

"Tired?", I asked, sipping on my rum n coke.

She turned my way and slowly checked me out head to toe. I put that down to too much alcohol as she nodded a yes.

"I dont think I got your name", I said, taking another gulp of my drink.

"Shar", she said (name abbreviated for privacy concerns). A very typical Bengali name.

"Allow me to guess", I said, "Its Shar Banerjee?"
"No"
"Chatterjee?"
"No"
"Mukherjee?"
"No"
"Ganguly!!"

Still no. This was not going too well. I looked at my fifth glass of alcohol, looked at Shar and said to myself, "Go for it".

"So can you cook Macchar Jhol?", I asked, and made a self note that I must be the first guy ever in a crowded Chicago bar to ask a chick high on alcohol about cooking fish, Bong style.

The reaction was even more surprising. "Nope. Cant make it, but can eat it", she said and then looked at me rather suspiciously. "How do you know about Macchar Jhol?"

"I am a Bong"
"No way! Whats your name?"
"Arvindo" (yes people, I was trying my level best to keep a poker face here)

And then my dear friend X turns up out of nowhere, "Hey Apoorva, get on the dance floor with me". I am pulled into the crowd despite many a protest and Shar is lost in the background.

End of the night and we are walking out of the club when I come across Shar again. "Apoorva, do you know why you cant be Bengali?", she asks. "Hey! Apoorva can be a Bengali name. Just pronounce it as Opporvo", I reply.

We both laugh and she says, "No, because Bong men just cannot dance".

"There can always be exceptions", I protest, "Else all Bong women would know how to make Macchar Jhol"

We laugh again, and say our goodbyes, knowing we'll never meet again. I weave my way through hundreds of people crowding Chicago's Rush & Division neighbourhood to X's car, wondering if she just said that I am a good dancer? I cant dance for nuts! She must have meant Bong men can dance. But thats not true as well. Except Mithun Chakraborthy.

Hugs, good night and a pillow!

...41 days to go

Some Things Never Change

2008-08-20T22:00:00.002-04:00

* Still needs the early morning coffee. And that too will be licked off my fingers. And if one drop falls off before she can get to it, off she goes into a corner and frowns.

* Still needs the chapatti and rice with dal, cooked fresh. She wont eat the leftovers from yesterday.

* Still loves it when you run your fingers over her head. She could just let you do that all day.

* Will wake me up every morning, is waiting into the late hours of the night for me to come home.

* Still asks for a kiss and makes the best smooching sounds.

I am talking about my pet parrot back home in India. Sunny. Who we still refuse to accept as a female. Come on, we got him home when he was 15 days old and the person who sold him to us said "Its a male". Male parrots develope a round red and black stripe around their necks when they turn two or three years old. So we waited, for a good three years, checking everyday for when Sunny will grow that stripe. And one fine day (s)he laid an egg. So scratching my head and staring at that egg, I said, "So now what? We change his name to Sonali?"

Too late. By this time, Sunny was a well grown talking parrot. Not only would he say what we taught him, but he would also pick up lines which were not meant for him to learn.

When Dad used to get home, he used to walk up to Sunny and say, "Sunny beta, whats happening?" and very soon Sunny was mimicking him with a "Sunny Beta, whats happening?" Hence it was too late to change this to "Sunny beti" and despite laying eggs and exhibiting all the nakhras any female would, Sunny was still referred to as a male.

As a kid I used to kiss him, and thats how he picked up those smooching sounds. A very embarassing moment when guests are sitting in the living room and there are smooching sounds coming out of the bedroom.

This time when I was in India, we tried to get him to talk. No luck. When you want him to talk, he'll just sit there, staring at you like the Buddha. And when you lie down to sleep, he'll start off. Get up quickly, get out the camera, and he'll stare at you like the Buddha. Perhaps he is camera shy. No idea. However, I love to piss him off. So since he refused to talk one fine day, I decided to spray him with water. He loves the water but hates it when it gets in his nostrils. No points for guessing what I was aiming for (ok, not really, I love him too much for that, but once in a while I do like to piss him off). Dad was playing around with the videocam and it seems the water actually distracted Sunny from the presence of a camera and we managed to film him speak a few words.

Its basically two lines

1. Sunny Beta (no explanation needed for that)
2. Kashyala ooradto tu? (In Marathi, it means - "Why are you shouting?")

Check out the video and see if you can figure out what he is saying.

Up next: Why my friends hate me!

Disclaimer: No animals were harmed in the making of this video. Cameraman does not discriminate based on race, sex, tv viewing habits or choice of underwear.

..... 55 days to go

Summarized

2008-08-18T23:46:00.003-04:00

I have gazillion posts, all half written and never published. Sometimes, in the midst of writing something comes up and you think you'll come back to the post later. That never happens and the post just rots. Now I have no inclination to go about with this unfinished business hence the two people who read this blog shall, for the first time in its history, read an incomplete post!

I had written this post just as I returned from my India trip, sometime way back in May. If you have not been following what I wrote above, yes, it is incomplete!

* When friends used to come from abroad and say they feel the pollution in the city, I used to laugh at them. The firt time I returned home, I felt the smokey fumes the moment I stepped out of the airport. However this time I did not. I didnt go on a sneezing spree and didnt suffer an upset stomach. Something must be wrong with me.

* Traffic, traffic, traffic. Autowallas rigging their meters, asking return fare for a one way journey, constructing malls in the tighest of spaces, rude turning ruder, not obeying traffic signals, and sky rocketing prices. Not the Bombay I grew up in. But the Mumbai I have started to accept.

* I was surprised by the Rs. 20/- Churchgate return fare. Also, I have no idea which idiot moved the previous ticketing system to a dot matrix printer. Now the ticket clerk goes through a huge amount of time entering data and then waits eons for the ticket to print. The system earlier was much simpler and faster. He used to punch the ticket and bam! You are ready to go. But I digress. I remember the days after my 10th grade. For "apparently" studying diligently, I was allowed to get out of the house and party everyday.... well, party like a 10th grader. I got 100 bucks in the morning and some of my friends and I used to take the train to Churchgate (Rs. 8/- return). Getting there, we either ate at some crappy roadside place or treated ourself to Sundance cafe on an odd day. Split a cab to Regal, or walk it up, watch a movie from the dress circle for Rs. 43/-, hang out around town and take the Andheri Local back home, get off at Parle, have a softy and call it quits. That was the norm. All in a 100 bucks.

* We walked in for an afternoon show at Cinemax. Rs. 250/- a person. What happened to the good old 100 bucks a day time?

* I was walking up Juhu with a friend. We started from Prithvi's and passed by the Centaur to Mahesh Lunch home (where we decided to return for our dinner) and kept walking past the JW till we hit Shiv Sagar. Somewhere nostalgia got the better of me and we ended with Pav Bhaji and a Falooda at Shiv Sagar.

* We took the cool cab into town, which in the smouldering heat was pleasant. We got onto Bus # 324 for our return journey. For some reason I kept smiling all through that return journey holding onto the window and staring out like a child.

* Mc'Donalds with a desi touch might be nice, but nothing beats the Chocolate Ball at Merwans.

* One fine evening I took the train back from town. Getting off at Andheri, I walked into Merwans and saw they have a few loafs of bread. Just for the background, Merwans bread/rolls sell out by 5 PM, such is the demand. I called home, and asked Mom if she wants bread from Merwans. "Apoo, they sell out by 5 PM. Its 8 PM" was the reply. When I told her I was at Merwans and they had bread, "Get two" were the exact words I heard. I walked home with bread, chicken rolls and a huge bunch of assorted pastries. That was dinner. A friend of mine is so fascinated with Merwans she went and chatted up with the owner for some time and clicked his photo.
(update: I was going to put up a photo here, but now have no idea where the photo might be)

* Why does Mumbai remind me of bureaucracy, of politics, of something new, but broken? And why does Bombay remind me of love, romance, something charming and old? I'll be damned if I do not return to my favorite city on planet earth!

...... 57 days to go

Ek! Sirf Ek....

2008-08-03T23:20:00.002-04:00

So if you came across an American who had never traveled outside America, and asked you to recommend one Bollywood movie for his/her viewing.....

Which one movie would you recommend?

Note: Not looking to educate him/her on the Indian culture or anything else through this movie. Perhaps, just make him/her appreciate Bollywood, or "Wow" the person.

* 72 days to go....

Employee Discount

2008-07-27T17:16:00.000-04:00

Have you ever tried the Chinese food they serve at the mall? Its consistently bad. A total rape of Chinese food. And all Americans fall for it. On any given day you'll find a line as long as the Great Wall of China waiting for their turn of General Tso chicken. Traditionally I have always been interested in the free samples handed out. But sometimes I am overcome by this urge for American Chinese food (perhaps each time I feel they might have improved, or it just reminds me of the Indian Chinese on the streets of Bombay) and I indulge in some. Today was one such fine day.

As I get to the cashier, she looks up at me, punches in some numbers and this is the conversation which follows:

She: "After employee discount, it's $2.79"
Me: "I am not..... (pause) ....here is $3.00"

So I am spending the rest of my Sunday trying to analyze if

1. I look Chinese?
2. I have been hanging out a little too much at the mall?
3. I have been working at the Chinese food place and am unaware of the same?
4. I can get equally lucky when purchasing an over-the-top out-of-budget jacket from the Armani Exchange?

#3 looks more of a possibility!

Desi Influx?

2008-07-20T03:32:00.000-04:00

Grand Rapids is a city on the west side of Michigan. Grand Rapids is where I have planted my lousy ass for the last 10 months. Grand rapids has a 99.99% Caucasian population. I think I am the only Indian in Grand Rapids.

That was an exaggeration, but you know what I mean. In NY, every 5th person is Indian. In NJ, every 5th person is American. All others are desis. Something similar in DC. Having lived across most of these areas over many years, there has not been a day gone by when I have not seen a desi face (no, I am not talking about staring at myself in the mirror). In Grand Rapids, I could go on for months without a desi face. So you get where I am going.... right? No desis here.

Today I was walking in this mall and came across one of those stalls (do they call 'em stalls here?) where chinese women massage you (which usually looks more like they are practicing Kung-Fu on ya) or some women are getting some eye threading done on the cheap. This stall looked more like the eye threading one, with a resaonable number of women waiting for their turn. As I walked past, I stopped dead still, stared stared and stared. And stared some more. Three huge face close-up posters of three beautiful women pasted all over the area, showing the perfect eyes with perfect eyebrow threading. The women?

1. Bipasha Basu
2. Deepika Padukone
3. Aishwarya Rai

And a dozen Caucasian women seated under those posters, getting their eyebrows threaded.

On a different note, I just got back from the screenign of The Dark Knight. I felt its well made, but over-hyped. Yes, I like Heath Ledger's performance. I like the way he flicks his tongue out while talking. Like a serpent. Nice. I think I'll start copying that. At least during weekly meetings at work. And on first dates. Yes. Nice. I like!

Hello World!

2008-06-27T05:00:00.000-04:00

Long time! And I have many an excuse for what kept me away from blogworld.

First, my car. After coming back from India, someone decided to put in a dent in the front of my car and as I contemplated reporting it, I found a nail happily buried in the tire. In the process of fixing the flat, I realized only the drivers side window works and the rest do not slide up (or down). So I moved into the mechanics house and spent few days educating myself on fixing cars.

Once this was done with, my laptop decided to conk off. Did I tell anyone I got a new laptop like.... 3 weeks ago. And after working fine for few days it refused to accept any electrical input. Few weeks were spent waiting for SONY to send a technician home, who ripped the entire laptop apart and changed the motherboard. Hence, after car education, I was into laptop education.

And I thought since I am getting so much of an education, I might as well try to get it from Harvard. Hence most evenings are spent reading up on the GMAT. Now let me tell you about the GMAT. This is no piece of cake. My entire life I have played around with the system. Wanna know how I passed my 10th grade? And my 12th Grade? And my engineering? Ok, all you guys who are still in your teens, writing exams and cursing yourself on having to cram every small letter in a book which resembles the encyclopaedia. What I tell you now is the guide to your success.

In most of my exams, we used to have questions which went - "Answer any 7 out of the 10" or something similar. Now this was my strategy. Let me first warn you, I was a duffer. I never knew more than 5 or 6 out of those 10 answers. So if you are the kinds who knows 11 out of 10, this tip is not for you. Well, this is how I went about answering the questions:

Answer 3
Answer 7
Answer 1
Answer 9
Answer 2
Answer 3
Answer 8

Notice something? I answered Question 3 twice, happily avoiding 10, 4, 5 and 6. 90% of the time, the examiner would not notice I have answered Q3 twice. All that was verified was I answered 7 questions, total it up and write down the marks for that section. 10% of the time, I have seen a red mark, something saying answer is repeated.

When is it safe to do this?
- When you are absolutely sure that the best you can get in the other four questions is a zero.
- When the answer sheet does not have a grid box on the main (first page) having a space for evaluating every question (you know those irritating little boxes which have 1a, 1b, 1c etc. typed in it and all the examiner has to do is fill in the marks next to each box).

What you should do:
- The answer which you repeat, please do not write it word to word matching to the previous one. The examiner is gonna say, "Didnt I read these exact words before?" (unless you are asked to quote). Write it in a different way. In fact, keep it little incomplete and lose a point or two if you like.

Variations:
Answer 3
Answer 7
Answer 1
Answer 9
Answer 2
Answer 3
Answer 8
Answer 10
Answer 5

You didnt know 10 or 5 too well, but good enough to perhaps get a point or two. In this case, the examiner is going to pick the top seven answers as per your score in each one. If he figures out you have repeated Q3, he will just mark it out and award you points from 10 or 5. Caveat: You need the time to attempt those extra questions.

For those who are not aware, the GMAT follows a pattern where all questions are compulsory. Which is my third reason for not being visible on the blogworld. I need to sit and study as all my above theories which got me all the way to an engineering degree have been tossed into the bin. And as I read this post again, I notice so many grammatical errors, which is an indication that I need to work more on my sentence correction!

If you come across someone who could pass off as my twin, and happens to have taken the GMAT with an 800 score, kindly get his phone #. I would much appreciate it.

The Truth Is.....

2008-05-31T22:42:00.001-04:00

I AM IRON MAN

We Are Family (Continued)

2008-05-25T06:18:00.003-04:00

Whatever our background, I think deep down my family is Parsee.

My Dad still drives the 1984 car which shines like a brand new Maserati.
We still have the Godrej cupboard which was purchased in the 1970's.
I still wear clothes I wore in 1985.

Not to say the Parsee's do the above (surely not clothes from 1985), but they are on the whole famous for living in the ancient-family-passed-on by generations world. You can identify a car owned by a Parsee. You can walk into a house and you know it belongs to a Parsee household just looking at the grand aristocratic furniture passed on by generations.

Anyways the essence of this post is my familys tedency not to part with anything pre-historic. My Mom will have every small thing packed and stored away (including plastic bags) for you never know when it might be useful. And our PC at home. An old dilapidated Pentium - II and a Funai monitor. When you switch on the same, the image on the screen vibrates incessantly till Dad slams the side of the monitor and it stabilizes. Click on the Internet Explorer icon, walk away, have a cup of coffee, get your kids married, watch them grow old and hopefully by then IE would have launched. Ok, you get the idea!

So this time round I decided to drop my laptop (which in itself is 5 years old) for good ol' Dad. So now we have the P-II tower, the Funai monitor and my laptop kept besides each other. However, everytime I head towards the laptop, I see it replaced by a mousepad. After putting the mousepad away, getting the laptop back into position, setting up the net etc etc. the next day, the laptop is again replaced by a mousepad and the net cable connected to the P-II monster.

So now I have a morning ritual. Connect the laptop to the net.

My Dad has an evening ritual. Disconnect the laptop and connect the P-II to the net.

I tell ya..... Parsee!

On a side-note. Talking of Parsee's reminds me of a friend I had in mithibai college who was named Percy. During one lecture the prof asked him to stand up and this was the conversation which followed:

Prof: Are you Parsee?
Percy: No, its Percy.

Time to fly back to the USA. I have had such an awesome time in Mumbai, sometimes I wonder why am I even going back. And that too of all places.... west Michigan. Nothing against the place but it would be nice if I actually saw some people there. And until I buy a new laptop I am gonna be offline. But I'll put up a post of what I did and who I killed as soon as I am back to the online world.

We Are Family

2008-05-08T08:00:00.001-04:00

Me: Dude, what do you want from the US?
Cousin Bro (CB): Hmmmm...
Me: Should I get the Wii?
CB: No! Get me basketball shorts!
Me: Huh? One sec, I got you 4 basketball shorts last time.
CB: Man, they didnt have pockets! Can you get me basketball shorts with pockets?

Me: Ok, anything you want from here?
Mom: Ummm.... when we were in Walmart...
Me: OK! No Walmart. Anything but Walmart!
Mom: Arre... but those gloves I got from there, they were really nice!
Me: OK, tell me to get you perfumes! Body creams... shoes...
Mom: You get all that in India, Apoo. I couldnt find those gloves here!

Me: What do you want from USA? (in a slightly given up tired tone)
Aunt: You sound so tired. You come here and get married.
Me: I am tired of people not answering my questions! What do you want? I am pathetic at shopping stuff for you women, so please help before I end buying something stupid like a size 15 shoe!
Aunt: See, if you get married your wife will shop for all of us!
Me: I am getting you a handbag!
Aunt: No! Get me icebreakers!
Me: You get icebreakers in India right?
Aunt: You get everything in India, but get me icebreakers!

Me: What do you want from here?
Mama: Lets see! I dont have a laptop and I have been thinking of getting one.
Me: Now you talking! What config?
Mama: But then, I have a PC at home, a PC at work. I doubt I am going to log on in the train. Whats the use of a laptop? Do this, just gimme cash!

Me: Dad?
Dad: What time does your flight get here?
Me: What do you want from US?
Dad: Nothing beta, you come here!
Me: Do you realize the customs guy is going to be verrry disappointed when I walk through with empty bags?
Dad: Last time I was visiting you, I forgot my jeans there. Can you carry those?

If you work in the Bombay imigration/customs and see two empty bags pass through the scanner - its ME!

I'll be back home for two weeks starting May 10th. Anyone wanna hang around, just drop me an email.

Also, I fly out of my favorite Gujju airport. Newark, NJ. So if you are looking for an entertaining post, keep your fingers crossed that I find another iJalpa sitting next to me.

Jesus

2008-05-05T20:35:00.001-04:00

The more I come across these weird fanatics, the more I think I should invest in.... an iPod.

I am sitting in the sauna, you know those ten minutes of peace after an hour of exercise, when this guy sits next to me.

He: Are you from India?
Me: (nods yes)
He: Can I tell you about Jesus?
Me: No, thank you. I know about Jesus.
He: Do you know Jesus bleeds for us?

And then he keeps going on and on about Jesus.

Now I am fine with all this. Sitting through four years of engineering has taught me how to stare into open space and completely shut off from the world (world = professor lecturing on electromagnetic force). And while Mr. Preacher goes on and on, I am slipping into blank mode where I even refuse to acknowledge him.

This, till he out of nowhere goes, "The Muslims, they have got it all wrong. Islam is..."

Before he can go on, I give him the thousand yard angry look and say, "I am Muslim", and look away.

What follows is silence for a few seconds. Then he says, "Even the Hindus, they have got it all wrong. They worship too many Gods"

I inwardly smile and seriously contemplate between a $200 iPod and a $250 hand gun.

Is It Just Me?

2008-05-01T23:30:00.001-04:00

You could listen to that one special song a million times on a CD, have that one CD play over and over for two months in your car till it becomes routine and it no longer makes you swing to its rhythm.

And one fine day when you switch on the radio and that very same song starts playing after a couple of minutes, it gets you all excited. "Hey, thats the song I have been listening to all this time", and again you are swaying to the tune and singing the words out loud.

Ever happen to you? Or is it just me?

Oh, How I Have Ignored Thee

2008-04-19T04:05:00.000-04:00

Its been a while. And I have a lot to blog, but nothing in particular. So this post might be random. It might make you say "Huh?" by the end of it (What? You say you already do for all my posts?)

Firstly, I survived a West Michigan winter. What it means is best explained by the photo below. Thats an icicle coming down all the way from my balcony. Mid-Jan to mid-Feb was insane in terms of snow. Now I know why people warned me against coming to Michigan.

Life can be funny. At least when it comes to financial aid and airlines. When you come to the USA for your masters, you are this poor Indian wannabe Grad, running to every professor in an attempt to land the much in-demand TA/RA/GA positions and you are turned down from everywhere. So you eventually graduate with a huge debt. Now when you pursue a part time degree, sponsored by your company, the professor asks if you would like to help in research!

The same goes with airlines. When you travel economy, you get a middle seat in the row with two fat 300 lbs men in the seats next to yours. By the time the flight lands, you feel like the patty in a burger. Only the buns are made of rock! I sure could do with a vacant seat next to mine when I fly economy. But fly first class and I would like a fellow-passenger in the adjacent seat. Oh, for all you know, it might be Adriana Lima flying for a photo-op, or Doug Sharon, who I would like to piss off with ethics of carrying client material to Morgan Stanley (ok, not really - I'll stick to Adriana), or simply a 300 lbs man, coz there is enough space!! You get the point. But nah, fly first class and you get an empty seat next to yours. Just when you dont need it.

Such is life!

I had a quick day trip to Chicago and the city always surprises me with its architecture. They build skyscrapers not coz they have to build skyscrapers. They build em coz they love building em! Each building has its uniqueness. And is an architectural delight. Thats where Chicago stands out from NYC. However, you dont find people on every street and corner of downtown Chicago, and thats where NYC scores over Chicago. Perhaps the only city whose downtown is buzzing 24X7 is NYC.

If you ever visit a company, or a school, or some particular program, many a time you get a name tag. Some people clip it onto their shirt pocket. Some over their belts. For men, I highly recommend the shirt pocket. For some weird reason, most desis will not come forward and introduce themselves and shake your hand and wait for you to introduce yourself. They walk to you, look at your name tag, and those who suffer from vision issues get really close to you and then go, "Oh, Apoorva. I am Sunita." Now imagine if you have the name tag on your belt. Every time a desi approaches you, either you feel like your fly is open, or the desi wants some!

For women, the tag position gets a little tricky. But I wont get into that here.

Have you ever been to Qdoba? They have something known as a "Naked Burrito" (all you Chipotle fanatics, its the equivalent of a Burrito Bol). Its a burrito without the tortilla, served in a bowl. Each time I am at Qdoba, I place my order in one of the following two ways:
"Its going to be a chicken burrito. Could I have it naked?"
OR
"Its going to be a chicken burrito. Could you make it naked?"

I started off with the former, however after I realized what I am saying, I have shifted to the later. In fact Qdoba has a really neat shirt - all black with "Get Naked" written on the back. I think they could start a new campaign which goes "Qdoba - We make out Burritos naked". If you do not see a sharp rise in the quarterly earnings, I'll actually go have a Burrito naked!

OK, I'll stop before people actually start imagining moi naked and killing themselves.

And that is how it looks when the snow melts and the sun is out.

Baap Ban Jaaye Campaign

2008-02-25T00:09:00.000-05:00

A quick note for readers who are not well versed in Hindi - read the note at the end of this post before you read it. Others, read on!

I was chatting with a friend when the conversation ended up in music and Ghulam Ali (I swear we have a life), and I casually mentioned, "As a kid I was in love with two songs. Chupke Chupke and Baap Ban Jaaye."

This is what followed:

She: Baap Ban Jaaye?
Me: Aap jaisa koi mere zindagii mein aaye, toh Baap Ban Jaaye (Translated: Someone like you enters my life, he'll become a Dad)
She: I love that song too, but its Baat Ban Jaaye, not BAAP
Me: What? No way!

Since the age of 5, I have been singing this song from Qurbaani and the lyrics in my book have always been Baap Ban Jaaye. I am sure somewhere in the past I must have walked into a house packed with guests with my Mom going, "Oh yeah, he has started singing lessons. Apoo, you wanna demo?"

"Sure Mom. One, Two, Three - Aap jaisa.... Baap Ban Jaaye"

No wonder my singing classes were abruptly canceled and they put me in drawing classes.

However, with my years of self taught lyrics shattered, I decided to do a postmortem. And eventually have come to the conclusion that the lyrics of the song should be changed from Baat to Baap. Firstly, check out the video. Now, which guy would prefer Zeenat saying "Baat Ban Jaaye" over "Baap Ban Jaaye". If any one of you guys raised your hand, I suggest a sex change operation or suicide.

I even compared it to the male version of Bryan Adams - Ever Loved a Woman. Apparently all women I know go all weak on the "See your unborn children in her eyes". I think "Baap Ban Jaaye" should be the male equivalent of that.

On a side note, I can see my Dad heave a sigh of relief with a "Finally he got the lyrics and I can stop being embarrassed in public" dialog.

So, should I start a facebook campaign for a change in lyrics?
Should I make an appeal to Biddu and Nazia Hassan?
Should I just shut up?

Note:
Baap Ban Jaaye - in Hindi means become a father
Baat Ban Jaaye - in Hindi is something to the tune of 'its a sweet deal'.

Haunted Naked

2008-02-01T00:27:00.000-05:00

Its 5 AM, Saturday morning. The temperature lingering in the early teens. I have my thick winter coat pulled over me as I walk across the empty parking lot of the University. Its one of those moments where you get up at 4 AM and feel the urge to hit the books and your bedroom does not provide the ideal setting. Somehow the study room at the University beckons.

I swing my bag over my shoulders and tuck my hands in the pockets of the winter coat as I cross the road. I can hear my footsteps, a faint slushing sound masked by the snow on the ground. Opening the door to the University building seems to create a sound which disturbs the perfect silence of the night. The hallways feel eerie. This is the same place that I walk in two days of the week and its bustling with students. Different colors, different people. Now, it feels like walking into an empty church. Silent, but full of energy. As I walk through the hallways, passing by many a classroom, I wonder the amount of knowledge these walls might have taken in. Every square is the alma mater of tomorrows Steve Jobs or an Indra Nooyi. But now, so silent.

I make my way into the study room and lay out the books. And I have soon forgotten about my surroundings and have my nose buried in some geeky literature. This is when a slight movement catches the corner of my eye. I look up and notice a human figure having walked past the door and turned into the hallway. My eyes follow her. And I notice she is wearing a loose pink top. And thats the only piece of clothing she has on. The light in the hallway throws out the outline of her body through the clothing. Brown hair, pink shirt and one of those perfect figures. Thats all I get to see as she sashays down the hallway, her back towards me. My eyes follow her all the way till she turns the corner and I go back to my books, ever so sure about my belief - weird is normal.

A minute passes by and she reappears, this time walking in the opposite direction. Down the hallway. I see her face. Somehow beautiful doesn't seem to do justice. I shouldn't stare, but I do. She must be 20, or 21, or older, I cant make out. She notices me as she gets closer and smiles. I smile back.

"Hitting the books on a Saturday morning? Those got to be tough times!", she says.

"Nah. Only a shirt and nothing else to wear in the middle of winter, those are tough times", I reply.

She laughs. Its the regular girly laugh. "You shouldn't be complaining", she says, and walks on.

I have seen weird things during college life. But nothing like this.

Perhaps the University is haunted. Or perhaps I missed a quickie. I wouldn't know. But I sure know where I'll be 5 AM this coming Saturday.

uPay, iSleep

2008-01-20T23:24:00.000-05:00

Was dining with a friend (lets call her Miss X) over some yummilicious ethic food. Another couple was seated on the table next to us. They were almost done and the guy asked for the check. The server comes up with the check and this is the conversation which follows as the girl starts taking out her card/cash.

"I got it", says the guy.

"No! Let me pay my share" says the girl. "No, its ok". "It is not ok. I want to pay my share", says the girl again.

This to and fro continues for a while, till the girl seems to get mighty pissed. However it seems the guy has eventually won the battle and calls the server over.

"Its not happening", she says, "I know why you are doing this. I am not going to sleep with you."

The server seems to keep a mighty straight face as he picks up the check and walks away. And also walks away the girl. And the poor guy is left in a confused state of whether to wait for his credit card and sign off, or pursue her. He does the former and then runs out with a "Can you believe that" kinda look.

Miss X and I are trying to keep a straight face and control bursting out into loud laughter amidst all this. I ask the server for our check and once it arrives she takes out her wallet.

"Ok, if thats what you want", I say. "You pay and I'll let you sleep with me."

The One Where I Slip Away

2007-11-24T02:40:00.000-05:00

Ah! Thanksgiving. Turkey Day. Eat, eat and eat some more. Get into your neighbours maternity pants and eat even more. And then drag your sleepy self to bed and either wake up late, or wake up real early for black Friday shopping. Well, not me! For those who dont know, I have moved to the state of Michigan and the company I work for does not have Friday off. So awake I was dragging my lazy butt to work on a Friday morning when the rest of the world was buying $1000 laptops for $500.

As luck would have it, I turn my key in the ignition and it starts snowing. Well, a few flurries seem alrite, and I start driving whilst talking to a friend on my cell phone, telling her how driving can get dangerous when it freezes but the initial snow is perfectly fine.

The roads I take to work are not Interstates. Most are internal roads where you could do a 45-55 mph at times. Michigan roads have a weird design and some idiot has the nerve to put up a "STOP" sign on a road where everyone is usually doing a 55. This happens to be the road I travel everyday to work and always spot the "STOP" sign rather late (fortunately never too late). Well, its 20 minutes into my drive and its still snowing and I am approaching the stop sign. So I hit the brakes with the intention of slowing down. However, my car has plans of its own. After a few seconds I have a funny feeling. A feeling of I am traveling in the same direction as I was before but the car is attempting to become perpendicular to its initial position. Now I had read this somewhere that when a vehicle skids, let go of the brakes and get back on the accelerator. My problem was if I hit the accelerator, I was surely going to skip the "STOP" sign. So I did the best thing.....

Pray.

And hit the accelerator with the hope whoever was at the STOP can see me come through. And I cruised through the STOP sign with a few confused looks from drivers. Cant blame them. A car with an Indian driver drifting at a 45 degree angle at the speed of 30 through a STOP sign on Black Friday in Michigan countryside. I would be confused! Well, at least amused.

And if you think that was the end of it, you got it so wrong. I drove to work at tortoise pace and finally reached the spot where I make a left into the company campus. with the idea of playing it all safe I got my car to a complete stop before hitting the left. But then again, my car had plans of its own. Once again, from a complete standstill it started sliding ahead and there I was waving bye-bye to the left turn as my car went on a path of its own and stopped after a few meters as per its own free will. Now either I could drive half a mile, make a U-turn (if my car so allowed me to) and come back, or the frustrated me could just reverse. I chose the later, however this time my car decided to skid back in reverse and once again miss the point of left turn. So there I was, moving back and forth over a 10 meter strip of land trying to position my vehicle to make the most important left turn of my life.

This is when an SUV makes its appreance from the opposite side of the road, decides to slide around and come to a stop right in front of the driveway I am trying to turn in. This is when with great effort I have finally got my car in the right position, ready to make the left. (Does this remind you of Dodge 'Em cars at Esselworld?) The lady driver is visibly shaken with the sliding around and decides to catch her breath parked in front of the driveway. At this instant my car feels an immense attraction towards her SUV and starts sliding in her direction. Well, the bright side - it was at least sliding in the right direction. Fortunately it does not slide all the way and the SUV scoots and I finally get to my parking spot.

And then the sun comes out, it rains and all the snow/ice washes off.

Someone have a Hummer I could borrow?

Ho'!

2007-10-29T22:20:00.000-04:00

The Panera Bread at Baltimore has a system where you get an order #, and once the food is ready, they call out your order #. On the west side of Michigan, or in Wilmington, Delaware, they make it more complicated. They ask for your name as you place the order and call out your name when the food is ready. And this is where the trouble starts.

As many might have noticed, my name is not the best for the 'Wild Wild' West. Its difficult to walk up in a bar... ok, its easy to walk up in a bar but its difficult to pull off a "How you doing? The name is Apoorva", compared to a "How you doing? The name is Clint". Not to say - My name is Apoorva - ever worked in India, but it never got me a "Huh?"

Anyhoo, back to Panera. I place my order and the pretty lady behind the counter asks for my first name. From experience I have learned to pass on my last name in such cases.

"Joshi"
"What?"
"J-O-S-H-I. Joshi"
(pretty lady types)
"Ok, no guarantees on that one", she says.

So I move to the section where they are making the paninis and soups and all that yummy food and another pretty lady is bringing out the food and calling out names.

"Tom, your order is ready"
"Jane, your order is ready"

Long pause, looks at the screen.

"Ho......."
Has trouble reading
"Ho....? Errr...."

"Yes, thats me"
"How do you say your name?"
"You dont wanna try. All I'll tell ya is its definitely not Ho'!"

And we laugh.

And then I walk away.

The new Ho' in town!

Guess?

2007-10-05T23:10:00.000-04:00

She: Hey! Nice jacket. Where did you get it from?
Me: Guess.
She: Ummm... Banana Republic?
Me: Errr... no, Guess!
She: Ok! Why dont you just tell me?
Me: I bought it from GUESS!
(silent moment)
She: Oh! Hehehe!

Why do brand names have to be weird?

Doritos Made Healthy

2007-10-01T23:42:00.000-04:00

I have mentioned it before. Right here. For a woman, nothing is sexier than a man who cooks.

I was wrong!!

I should have stayed up with the new age.

Nothing is sexier than a man who can cook healthy food. Or better, make junk food look healthy. And so the man improvises his game and stays up with the current trend!

Presenting - Misal Doritos, a la Doritos, made healthy!

Who has been to Bombay and had Misal Pav?

Soak 'em Moth Beans overnight and dry them. Leave them another 12 hours till they sprout a little.
Cook these with diced onions and tomatoes on a light flame till they are nice and soft. Add a little of Indian masalas if you like.
Bake potatoes till they are nice and soft.
Crush some Doritos into a bowl. I used the spicy buffalo flavor. Mix with above.
Add the tamarind chutney you get for bhel puri and mix throughly!

Its quick, its fast and its yummy.

Dont crush the Doritos, but lay them out with the mixture on them and you have Indian Nachos!

Ok, now who wants to marry me?

PS:
I shall entertain emails and phone calls for further inquiries on the recipe, provided you invite me over when the item is cooked and ready!
I shall cook for you if you rate me 11 on a scale of 10 (0 being least and 10 being max.) for the sexiest cook alive!
If you steal this recipe and make money out of it without sharing the booty.... screw you!

Never...

2007-09-26T22:17:00.000-04:00

.... ever go with your Mom to Bath and Body Works.

As I type this, I smell of:

Irresistible Apple
Black Raspberry
Fig
Cherry Blossom
Peach
Coconut Lime Verbena
Fresh Pineapple

All in all, like the fruit seller who resides at the Andheri signal.

Luray Caverns

2007-09-04T01:31:00.000-04:00

This long weekend, we decided to head down to Luray Caves. And no, I have not tied the knot or come across kids I never knew I had. The 'We' is Mom, Dad and I. Yeah, parents are visiting, and they have been here for over a month. Dad was rather keen to check out Luray Caverns in Virginia, I had never ever explored them, and so we set out.

The drive was a rather pleasant one, since it heads into the Shenandoah Valley. Lush green fields, horses running around, cows mooing. A clear sky. All in all, a perfect summer.

Now, when I say caves, if you are under the impression that you will be coming across a set of caves as your entry point, think again. The entry point to Luray caves is the building you see below. And after a $19 entry fee, you walk down a stairway, probably 3 levels and come upon your first glimpse of the caves.

The caves are essentially a wonder of Stalagmites and Stalactites. Formed by seeping mineral water, the structures are mighty wonderful.

What you see below is one of the most beautiful sections of the cave. The formations are on the top (stalactites), and what one gets to see below is their reflection in water. And yes, thats my Mom and Dad, and usually, they do smile.

What follows is called Saracens Tent. It appears as a smooth curtain folded by hand, a perfectly formed stone drapery structure. The translucent sheets appear to have been parted, tent-like, for an entranceway.

This was a random snap I took as we walked through the caverns. Yeah, they can get scary. I wonder if there are any snakes or lost civilizations in them?

Observations:

* There were at least 60% Indians. It felt like going to Jersey City, or walking on Oaktree Road in Edison. Minus the food.
* The cavern has a wishing well, which has so many quarters flipped in it, I could do free laundry for a lifetime if I could lay my hands on 'em.
* They have guides at certain points on the tour (the tour is rather like a walk through the caverns). The guides do not walk with you. They will talk about the significance of that particular area in the cave and then you walk on till you come across the next guide.
* If you are not fast enough to get to the next point of interest, you will miss out on what the guide there has to say. Even if you get there on time, but have a noisy kid with an even noisier kids Mom shouting at him to shut up, behind you, you will not be able to figure out what the guide has to say. Both these obstacles can be overcome by asking the Guide to repeat what s/he said :)
* Do not stand behind Indian lady wearing salwar-kameez with dupatta. She will swing the dupatta around her shoulders and it shall land on your head, causing everyone to break into uncontrollable laughter. Exceptions: Lady is a hot chick!
* Ladies, keep your pointy heel shoes back home. The terrain is such that it would take an amateur trekker to task. The temperature is maintained at 54 F, so dress easy. You anyways dont wanna end up looking too good, else some caveman could get desperate! Heh!
* They have a cafe as you enter the ticketing area, or when you get out of the caves, however, nothing in the caves (during the tour). So, if you get hungry, have some mineral formations. They are pretty yummy. Just make sure you are not licking the same one I licked!

And as you can see, my Mom does smile!

For The Love Of Chocolate

2007-08-16T01:13:00.000-04:00

I was walking the streets of NY a little more than a month ago with two childhood friends, AD and AA. Both of them very lovable characters. But AA, who is lovable, and a character. I have known these guys since 1st grade and AA has always been the entertainer. And he continues to do so.

As we were walking down Broadway, AA the chocolate Lover got hit by the urge to indulge in.... chocolate (no points for guessing that one). And despite strong protests from AD and myself, dragged us into Max Brennar.

AA: What are you guys having? (rubbing hands with glee)
Me: A fruit juice.
AD: Coffee.
AA: What? You have to have chocolate. Chocolate, chocolate, chocolate! Will you guys share a Chocolate mess with me?
AD & I: NOPE!
AA: I wonder if I can finish this by myself?
Me: Of course you can.
AA: I am not talking about the individual serving, I am talking about the whole thing.....
Me: Meant for 4-6 people?
AA: I have done it once before...
Me: You have?
AA: Yeah, my first date in the city. Dinner followed by Brennar!
Me: You were on a date and you had a chocolate mess meant for 4-6 people by yourself? Let me guess, you never heard back from her, right?
AA: Come to think of it.... yeah! How did you guess?
Me: I have one small advice for you. Its called 'Arranged Marriage'.
AA: OK, after I order my Chocolate Mess.

And I have been tagged by Anjali*-

BIRTHDAY TAG - 29 MARCH

The rules for this tag are simple:
(i) Go to Wikipedia and type in your birthday (month and day)
(ii) Write down 3 events, 2 births, 1 holiday, and tag 5 friends.

3 Events:
# 1857 - Sepoy Mangal Pandey of the 34th Regiment, Bengal Native
Infantry revolts against the British rule in India and inspires a long-drawn
War of Independence of 1857 also known as the Sepoy Mutiny.
# 1886 - Dr John Pemberton brews the first batch of Coca-Cola in a backyard in Atlanta, Georgia.
# 1999 - The Dow Jones Industrial Average closes at 10006.78 –
above the 10,000 mark for the first time ever.
(The way DOW is falling since a week, it wont be long before its back to the 10000 mark)

2 Births:
# 1976 - Jennifer Capriati, American tennis player
# 1939 - Terence Hill, Italian actor

1 Holiday:
# Youth Day in Taiwan
(perhaps the reason why I always look 18)

5 Tags:
Anyone. Do it if you feel like it.

Must Have Been Yellow

2007-07-31T20:24:00.000-04:00

I love this song. I am sure most of you reading this post do.

However there are a few people who have not heard of the phenomenon called Coldplay. One such person who I, with much reluctance, call my friend happened to be in my car as "Yellow" blared from the speakers.

Friend: Which song is this?
Me: Coldplay. Yellow. You havent heard it?
Friend: Nope.
Me: Come on man. Its like the best song ever. Whats funny about it is Chris Martin came up with the lyrics when his new-born peed on him.
Friend: What?
Me: Listen to em!

"And everything you do,
Yeah, they were all yellow"

"Oh what a thing to have done,
And it was all yellow"

"Oh what a thing to do.
Cos you were all yellow"

Friend: No way! Good try tho'!
Me: Would jaundice have worked better?

The more I think about this now, the more I think this song is related to pee.

Harry The Bloody Potter

2007-07-27T03:11:00.000-04:00

So I walked out of a bar and saw these two witches pass by me. I turned around, went in again, had a few more drinks to clear my head and walked out to find a block surrounded by wizards and witches. Close to midnight, all lined up, to get into Barnes and Noble. Always remember when a Harry Potter book releases.

Why do they have a midnight release? That too of a book which is a favorite amongst kids. I dont see the logic. Kids line up from 7 PM and waste 5 hours in a line dressed up as a witch after which they end up with a copy of the book which they take home and read all night and end up sleeping all day to wake up at night and continue reading. Bookstores remain open all night long, that too a few weeks after we pledged to save electricity and go green!

I say a book release should be at noon. This way, kids will wake up at 5 AM and line up by 7 AM. Read the book all day and sleep at night. No one cares about our next generation as much as I do! And when someone walks out of a bar at midnight is not shocked to see witches walking by.

I also suggest you should have your entire list of co-workers online in a multi-player environment of Unreal Tournament. So when someone screws up, which results in your entire team sitting 12 hours a day, 7 days a week in a 4X4 cubicle, you at least have the pleasure of killing the person in the virtual world.

My friend Sharma, sometime ago, came up with one of his brilliant moments of realization. "If San Jose is pronounced San Hoze, as a Joshi, are you Apoorva Hozhi?"

Drink the hot herbal green tea in a transparent glass (preferably the kinds they serve beer in) at work. Everyone thinks you are having beer. Once you make it clear to everyone that it is green tea, and they laugh off how stupid they could be, start having beer!

Bally's swimming pool in the White Marsh - Baltimore area has a weird rule. Lifegaurds need a break for 10 mins. every hour. So the pool is closed from 10:50-11:00, 11:50-12:00 and so on. If you happen to be swimming, you have to vacate the pool area and return after 10 mins. Am I surrounded by dumb people, or am I the dumb one?

I think I have put on a lil too much weight. When I walk into Chipotle and ask for a Burrito Bol, the guy behind the counter always asks, "Two?". Off late my friends are laying bets on this.

And lastly, I seriously think Lindsay Lohan and Britney Spears should be put in the same lock-up. And kept there. Forever.

Chocolate Balls (Your's Sister's Ball)

2007-07-12T02:51:00.000-04:00

Dhapoed from Flickr.

Nasty Delicious? Hmm!

Somebody explain. Please.

Difficult Choice

2007-07-04T23:35:00.000-04:00

Recently I was out at a bar/club, trying to shake muh butt. Which is when I realized.... (I'll have to flashback here).

[start flashback]

I used to be a pathetic dancer. Remember we used to play langdii as kids? (Langdii is a game where you hop around on one leg, chasing others running around on two legs). Yes, thats how I used to look when I danced. So eventually I gave up dancing and became, what one of my friend calls, wall-flower. Drink in hand, leaning against the wall, staring at other people dancing. Now, thanks to my orientation, I would stare more at some girl dancing really well (compared to some guy dancing really well). And then go home a happy man, with a mental picture of the girl doing her dance steps. And this went on for a long time. And then it all came to a grinding halt when I gave up drinking. End of clubbing, end of hanging out at bars. Just happy mental pictures of the girls doing their dance steps.

[end flashback]

Now, like I mentioned, I recently went to a bar/club. No drink in hand, I got bored of being a wallflower and decided to dance. What the hell if it looks like I was playing langdii, I would get some exercise. And so I hit the dance floor.

To my surprise, I was not doing the langdii anymore. Remember all those pretty dance steps I kept playing over and over in my mind. I think my body had become accustomed to those dance steps and there I was, one-hot-dancer-chick, trapped in Apoorva's body! I had to call it quits halfway through Shakira's "Hips Dont Lie" when few of the girls dancing next to me stopped, stared at me and started copying my dance moves. That was the all time low (or high, depending how you see it).

So, now I am stuck with a difficult decision to make.

I could start staring at guys who dance well. And hope their dance moves overwrite the womanly dance moves in my brain.

I could continue dancing like a woman and put Shakira to shame!

I could go back to alcohol and become a wall-flower.

I could spend Saturday nights at Barnes & Noble reading "My Experiments with Truth".

Iyerospace On Joshienizer: When Size Doesnt Matter

2007-06-19T01:35:00.000-04:00

I should have penned this at a much earlier date, but I refrained doing so due to safety concerns. Iyer was in Baltimore the long weekend of 27th May. OK, make that Baltimore, DC and NYC. And I thought I should wait till he leaves USA for good, such that there is no security threat to me after I hit publish.

For those of you who have never seen Iyer, above is a caricature of his, drawn by a street-side artist in NYC. And Iyer is funnier than this looks. On a side-note, it is strongly believed that the artist has fancied Iyer naked, with shoes, a bow-tie, handcuffs and a guitar covering the essentials.

Anyways, let me skip all the boring stuff and get to what you guys have been waiting for. The Iyeronics.

Walking in DC, near the White House, we come across a huge STOP sign at an entry gate. Under which is another sign - "Permit Holders Only."
Me: "Hmmm.... we cant go"
Iyer: "No re. See, its Stop: Permit holders only. We dont have a permit right? We can go"

.... and he walks through. And doesnt get arrested.

In NYC, walking on Wall St., Iyer comes across a few cops.

Iyer: "Hey hey hey. NYPD! Do you think I could ask them to take a photo with me?"
Me: "Yeah, sure"
Iyer: "I'll ask 'em to point a gun at my forehead. How cool will that be?"
Me: "Lets keep walking"

Day 1 at my place, Iyer takes out a battery charger which has no connector for the socket. "It didnt go into the USA system, so I cut it off and insert the wires straight in."

Day 2 at my place, 2 AM. I hear a "Bhoop" sound, and then there is darkness. The funny part is I was washing my face with soap at this moment, so when I closed my eyes, there was light, and when I opened them, there was none, which for a moment put me in panic "I have lost vision" state. Till Iyer said, "I screwed up".

Lesson learnt - Never allow Iyer to stick two random wires into an electrical socket. So we spent a night in darkness, romantic candle-light and stuff.

And for those of you who think size does matter.

It doesnt.

This little guy can blow up an entire apartments electricity.

NYC Love

2007-06-02T02:55:00.000-04:00

250 New Yorkers were bitten by rats
(And 1401 were bitten by humans)

This was photographed near Wall Street. I tell ya, all these finance guys!

And Seaport is always as interesting as ever.

I have always expressed my love for the city. Something or the other is always happening in NYC. Something which is not the norm for the tourists eye, however a Yankee would not even blink.

If I lived in NYC, I would prolly blog more often. If I lived in NYC, I would prolly never head to Times Square. If I lived in NYC, I would prolly sell my car. If I lived in NYC, I would prolly end up paying more tax than my salary. But I love this crazy city.

However, Baltimore is trying to catch up these days. For a change, there is always something or the other of interest when I head downtown. Like they have this new Trapeze school. Little kids, flipping themselves around. I considered enrolling, but my tummy got it the way. And they said the safety net wouldnt hold my weight.

And this ship pulled up in the harbor. Arrrh... Jack Sparrow could not be found ye mates! But there were plenty o' barrel o' rum!

Foot-In-Mouth Moments

2007-05-25T02:16:00.000-04:00

Team meetings. Indians, Chinese, Americans. Talk, talk, talk. Time for a break.

I turn to the Chinese Biostatistician sitting next to me. "So, do you know Kung-Fu?"

Team Lunch. Everyone is gulping Italian food. The conversation is about different countries and their culture. I turn to my Chinese friend. "So, do you know Kung-Fu?"

Then, sometime after this, I was with a friend of mine who was talking about how a Chinese friend of his came and asked him if elephants walk about on Indian roads, to which he asked if all of China knows Kung-Fu. And both smiled and went their respective ways.

"But, whats wrong with asking if he knows Kung-Fu?"
"Dude, its offensive. How would you feel if someone asked whether Indians roam around on flying carpets. Or if India is about cows and elephants?"

Ok, that explains why my year-end bonus was not what I expected it to be.

In a slightly off mood with a friend over not getting some stuff done right.

She: Ok, ok, lets forget it and get on with what we have at hand?
Me: No!
She: No?
Me: No! Coz everything you and I end up doing is not gonna last right for more than 2 minutes.
[Silence]
She: (grinning) 2 minutes eh cowboy?
Me: OK! Not EVERYTHING!!

My company had a lay-off sometime ago. Some of the people who got laid off, got a good 6 months of salary in severance, took 2 months of vacations and joined a sister company when they came back.

After hearing this, the great me goes public with the sentence, "I should have got laid!!"

Many more 'funny' moments coming up soon - coz Iyer will be in Baltimore over this weekend. Any ideas on how I should give him a warm welcome? Not turning up at the airport to receive him would be a good start, no?

NY to London

2007-04-25T23:26:00.000-04:00

Some bit of Google fun I found in my e-mail today.

1. go to www.google.com
2. click on "maps"
3. click on "get directions"
4. type "New York" in the first box (the "from" box)
5. type "London" in the second box (the "to" box)
6. hit get directions
7. scroll down to step #24

Yes, read the point #24 on directions - thats important.

If you are too lazy to do the above, click on this link, since I have done so for you. I respect your laziness.

Those guys at Mountain View have some sense of humor eh?

Interviewing Exposed

2007-04-19T00:54:00.000-04:00

We had a little relaxing moment at work where my group sat down and spoke about random stuff. And one such topic which came up was when each one of us had interviewed at the company. Since none of these guys were around when I had come in to interview, there were no fun stories about me that they knew of. So I thought of telling them this funny incident.

It was a few days before X-mas in 2004 when I drove to Baltimore to interview. It was a cold day and from the schedule, it seemed to be a long day, starting at 8 and ending by 4. The last interview being with my current boss and manager, who would make the final call. When I arrived, there was some scheduling problem and my to-be-boss would be my first interview. Not a good thing - I was being thrown into the ring without any warm-up. We made small conversation as we walked to his office and when we got in, my boss asks, "Hey, I forgot to ask, do you want some coffee?", which I politely refused.

"You sure? Coz I am getting some for me."
"Yes, I am OK"
"Fine, have a seat and I'll be right back", he pointed with his hands in a particular direction, to a chair and walked out.

The slightly-tense me walked in the direction he had pointed out and sat down. And looked around the office.

"Hmmm, nice office. Nice view, windows on 3 sides", I thought. "And this is a very comfortable chair. Very relaxing." And I looked around the office rotating the chair around its axis as I sat on it. A 90 degree rotation to the left and I was staring at a computer screen. "Very weird", I thought. He might ask me to program something on the PC perhaps. And then I looked across the desk and saw two chairs on the the other side, not-so-comfortable-looking as the one I was on.

"Hmmm. Comfortable chair, access to the PC. Something is fishy. Ahhh... I am sitting on his chair"

And I jumped out of it like a jack in the box, just as my boss entered the room. Fortunately he did not see me and I moved across and occupied one the chairs on the other side. Close one.

A funnier interview episode was when a friend of mine interviewed. I had told him about the opening and when he asked if I had any do's-dont's, all I told him was just stick to the point. Dont answer more than what is asked. He however, took this advice to a whole new dimension.

We had an initial phone screen with my boss, my friend and I in conference.

Boss: Hello
Friend: hello

Boss: So, can you tell us something about yourself?
Friend: Yes.

(long silence)

Boss: Hello, X?
Friend: Yes, hello.

Boss: Can you tell us something about yourself?
Friend: Yes.

(again, long silence - my boss looks at me and smiles)

Boss: Hello, X. Can you hear us?
Friend: Yes. I can hear you.

Boss: So can you tell us something about yourself?
Friend: Yes.

(silence - and my boss is making this 'whats going on' face)

Me: X, what we want is you go ahead and introduce yourself. Tell us about your past experience, what you are looking for blah blah.
Friend: Oh. OK, I am a certified..... (and it goes fine from then)

Yes, we did hire him. Eventually! And I remind him everytime of this incident and we laugh.

Like Son, Like Father

2007-04-14T00:11:00.000-04:00

Few days ago Dad mailed me a write-up (MS Word doc) about this small city in Gujarat called Mandvi. As a background, Mandvi is where Dad spent a good part of his childhood and teen years. My grandmom and grandad spent a good part of their life towards the build-up and progress of a school in Mandvi (called - Khimji Ramdas Kanya Vidyalaya).

I visited Mandvi once - in 1993 and loved the entire experience. Loved the city, the people and the general warmth of the place and its surroundings. For a while its been on my mind to write about Mandvi, or just that trip in particular but I dont do too well with travel-blogging.

Anyways, coming to the point, my Dad sent me this word doc which had a small article about Mandvi. I read it, found it to be nice and sweet. And then I read it again after few hours, and few days, and somehow felt I identify with some parts of this. And sent my Dad a reply, asking, "Did YOU write this?"

"Yes, who else could?", came the reply which was followed by another write-up, which could be a stand-alone but went well as a continuation to the first one. Excited as I was (perhaps since Dad was doing what I had wished to do since a long time - yes, we work differently in my family. As they grow up, usually kids fulfill their parents wishes, here its the other way round), I told Dad he needs to publish this somewhere.

"Who will want to read this?"
"If you dont, I will paste it on my blog"
"Who on your blog will want to read about what I did in Mandvi?"
"Then publish it where someone would want to read! Else I will post this on my blog!"

I guess that scared my Dad enough! And he sent the first article to Times Of India. And lo! What do we have today? Its up in print in India's leading newspaper!

Click here for the article.

Heres to hope - that they continue printing the follow-up articles.
And that someone does a movie on it and it gets famous like Harry Potter and Dad becomes a Billionaire which indirectly means I can realize my dream of retirement by the age of 30 and open a tomato farm.

Satisfaction

2007-04-10T19:48:00.000-04:00

You take up a job with the immediate benefit of compensation. The larger picture (in many cases) is to provide a certain service to millions around you. Sometimes you take up a job for the personal challenge it has to offer. And somewhere down the line, a certain level of frustration kicks in as the going gets rough. And you might wonder if this is what you actually set out to do. Is it really reaching out? Helping someone? Are my 12 hours a day, 7 days a week worth it?

And then your customer service will send in this email to your group (drug, personal and company names masked for obvious reasons).

(Quote)

Hello. I am a stage II breast cancer patient. For the first 4 weeks of my dose-density regiman, I was on a weekly treatment with XXXX and YYYY, along with the anti-nausea medication OTHERDRUG. I had a lot of difficulty with nausea, a little vomiting, but just generally like a constant state of morning sickness. I took OTHERDRUG at home, also. Last week, I was switched to OURDRUG to better manage my symptoms.

I just wanted to let you know that I had my chemo today. I also caught up on the laundry, did the dishes, and went out for dinner!!! I love OURDRUG! It's really making it possible for a very impatient woman to make her way through 24 weeks of treatment. I have N children and M+ grandchildren. I have lots to live for and cherish the opportunities to spend time with them. I sincerely thank you for your gift to the cancer care world of this wonderful medication!

PATNAME
Patient, XXX Cancer Care Alliance

(UnQuote)

I guess its worth it. Definitely, worth it!

Note: Those unaware of it, I work in Drug R&D and not Software or IT. And Drug R&D is not trying different forms of grass.

Indecision

2007-04-04T20:30:00.000-04:00

Life is full of contradictions! Us humans, we do and undo. We build and break. We have a wise saying for everything and a wise saying against that very thing.

Love like you've never been hurt.
Once bitten, twice shy!

Beat fire with fire.
An eye for an eye, makes the world blind.

Come to think of it, the human body is full of contradictions.
The brain.
The heart.

When life contradicts, what do you listen to?
The present, or the past?

I Should Update More Often

2007-04-03T00:28:00.000-04:00

OK, I know - I suck at blogging these days. Somedays I come very close to quitting. Its not like I dont have much to blog, but some things are so personal that I would rather go anonymous and blog with a I dont give a damn about the world, or I continue blogging here and try to be as diplomatic as possible.

Anyhoo - whats new, or rather whats routine is for the last one month I have been doing 12 hour days at work which include weekends (hence the lack of blogging). While at this, my boss is been very helpful in keeping us on a high calorie, high fat diet. However one incident made me realize the dramatic change which can be once you are married. For now, if my we feel - "We want this today", I'll sit till midnight and get it out. However over lunch this Saturday - it was with my entire team at Olive Garden, some had come with their significant other. My boss asked my colleagues wife (they got married few months ago), on how she is enjoying married life? "Enjoy? We are recently married and you keep my husband at work 12 hours a day. How am I supposed to enjoy? I still feel like I am single" Both my boss and my colleague were in shock!

Good I am not married. I would feel so guilty. About not working extra when required (what? you can get a new job with a salary hike - getting a new wife is very expensive).

On a different note, I turned 68 last Thursday. Its ok, you can wish me now. I had anyways forgotten. However, they ordered pizza at work, which was my birthday treat. On regular days we goto Olive Garden and Joes Crab Shack. On birthdays, we order pizza. I think my team does not like me.

I actually managed to look up at the way I have evolved. Working in statistics, looking at data and noticing a trend to predict future models is something I am breaking my head over. So I thought, lemme use moi as a test subject.

1979: The nuisance is born (and someone is fiddling with my private parts). The very happy age where you could pee on any and everyone without getting rapped for it. As a matter of fact, people used to get excited about you peeing on someone!

1981/2: I would have carried on, but I thought, lemme give Sachin a chance and gave up what would have been an illustrious career. The way India has blow its chances in the World Cup, I think I should have continued playing.

I remember starting off left handed, and Dad came and flipped me around. After a while, again I went to left handed and Mom laughed. "Oh, he seems to be left handed". And then I picked up a pencil and started writing my first few letters. And my great grand-mom took the pencil from my left hand and put it in my right hand.

After all that, I now bat left handed and write right handed. And people feel amused. I also play chess right-handed.

1990: My first medal and broken teeth. Picked up a bronze for boxing.

1997: Making my first ever extortion call.

2001: I have no clue why that pose! But the stomach seems to have expanded.

2007: What someone called as 'The Grudge Look'

2011: Lets not forget the main idea of this post - to take all data till now and model it to show how I would look into the future.

Just more bald than he looks!

Hope everyones having a good one!

Pushing Out Of The Comfort Zone

2007-03-22T22:18:00.000-04:00

A colleague working with me since some time says adios to her job tomorrow. Before she moved here in a consulting role, she worked with another company for 20 years. She, my boss and I happened to bump into each other at the coffee machine / water cooler few days ago. When asked by my boss where she was headed to, she replied with a "Nowhere". While working here, she started her own thing from home. And now, a few years from its conception the business is doing well and she is heading into it full time. The first question she got was - "Doesnt it scare you? To give up the security of a job and start something?"

"Till you dont push yourself out of your comfort zone you'll never know what you can achieve. For 20 years I stayed at the same job and didnt move, because of the security. The comfort. I finally decided to move here so I could be closer to home and give more time to my business. Now I wish I had done this 10 years ago. You have to get out of your comfort zone. Initially its hell, but in the end its worth it"

I couldnt agree more. Stronger muscles are built by tearing them down and pushing them to their limits and a little more. Its simple. You wont know if you can do it, unless you try it.

Theplas - An Entrepreneurial Idea

2007-03-12T02:06:00.001-04:00

Despite being in Baltimore for over 2 years, this was the first time I was flying into the city as my port of entry. BWI being a huge domestic hub, but a not so huge international hub, my hopes were high of getting past immigration and security in quick time. All was good till security. Immigrations was a breeze, getting my bag was even easier but as we approached security, the nightmare began.

On flight, I had become pretty pally with this Italian guy and Indian girl. And as we walked towards security any example of racial profiling became very evident. The officer pulls the Indian girl and me aside, asks us to go left. Mr. Italiano happily walks through and is scott-free. As I look around, I find myself in a queue which contains Nigerians, Chinese and Indians. All waiting for their bags to be scanned, opened up, examined. Not a single European/American in that queue. The algorithm was simple. Indian, Chinese, Middle-Eastern, African - go left. Others, go home.

And so I stand in the line, a little annoyed. However in such times I can count on my Gujju tribesmen to provide some relief. In front of me was a pure blood Gujarati, probably flying first time into USA and he was being grilled by the security officer. First, he was asked to open his bag and every item examined. Halfway through this examination, this is how the conversation went.

Security: What plant is this?
Gujju: Its a broom.

Security officer wears latex gloves and picks up what in India we call a broom, made of long wooden twigs most commonly used to clean up toilets. Its used to scrub away dirt with water and many a time used by the Assam guys working at roadside Chinese food stalls to clean their frying pans.

Security (holding broom upright, wearing latex gloves): This is a broom?
Gujju: Yes. Special broom.

The officer took the broom aside, sprayed it with something. Then he carried it into a room, came out after a while and put it back in the bag. While he was gone, the Gujju turns around and says to his clan, "Gaanda chhe baddha.", a mild interpretation of which would be - "All these guys are stupid"

And while Mr. Gujju was being examined, I got pulled into an aisle parallel to his by another officer who ripped open my bags, asked me how much money I was carrying and why the hell was I coming to Baltimore. When I return from India, usually I am in no mood to cook for a few weeks, so my Mom always packs some food for me. This time I was in no mood to cook for a month, so I went overboard and asked for a 100 theplas to be packed. So our cook toiled for a day and we had 100 theplas (recipe) all packed in my bag. So when the officer opens my bag, he finds theplas all over.

Officer: Whats this?
Me: Indian bread. (for those unaware of theplas, they do not look like bread in any manner whatsoever, but are an awesome gujju dish)
Officer: Indian bread?
Me: Well, its called theplas (at this moment the Gujju man turned around and bared all his teeth), its not bread, its more like.... ummm....
Officer: Whats it made of?
Me: (I had no idea) Potatoes and ummm.... lettuce(?)
Officer: Does it have any meat?
(Gujju man gave a look of shock, another Gaanda chhe baddha look)
Me: Nope. This is a traditional dish. Pure vegetarian.
Office: Why are you carrying so many?
Me: The doctor has asked me to stay on a high carb diet for a month.

Somehow he seemed to buy it and let me go with a "Thank You for your patience".

However, this guy has given me a new entrepreneurial idea. Chicken theplas. Shrimp theplas. Lamb Theplas. Scallop Theplas. Boston Clam Chowder Theplas. Why not? When we can have chicken dosas? All the convert gujjus (I mean, gujjus who converted to non-veg) would love it. So do I have someone ready to go in for a partnership? You have my email address.

On a slightly different note, anyone come across any sort of profiling at US airports? I've flown into this country five times and this is the first time I was given a hard time. Or was it because I was flying British Airways?

Trip To Amotherland

2007-03-04T23:38:00.000-05:00

- I had mentioned it last year, I'll repeat it again. Mumbai is growing vertically with absolutely no planning. 3 storey apartments are being broken down and built again into seven storey ones. This is fine since the population coming into the city seems to do so at an exponential rate, however the infrastructure has not been developed to accomodate all this. And the city planning in-charge either has no idea how to go about doing his/her job or doesnt have absolute power to make decisions. However, when you break down a small house on one of the most traffic congested roads and build a mall... it shows how well the city is being planned. But, I still have great respect for us Mumbaikars. Pack an equal number of Americans or Europeans into Mumbai and am sure we'll fare a thousand times better than them.

- Few things make you feel pretty awkward, specially after spending a good part of your 20's in the USA. I was at this lounge and after too much of liquid intake had to visit the restroom. As I went about doing my job, one of the staff comes and stands behind me. He runs to the wash-basin before I could and opens the water tap for me. Next, he hits his hands on the soap dispenser while I hold my hands underneath it. Then he rushes and gets me paper towels to wipe my hands off. Perhaps I was supposed to feel like a king, but I felt very disturbed. However, the exponential fashion in which India's population is growing, at least the guy was getting paid. He wouldnt listen to my "I am ok, you dont need to do it", so I let him go about his job.

- I like the way some people try to convince you on arranged marriages. You meet a girl at a bar, or u meet her through your Mom, how does it matter? In the bar, you do the hard work, here your Mom has all the details from height, weight, age to whether she is Manglik. I like that reasoning. It throws a whole new perspective. Instead of me buying her a Bloody Mary, she gets me chai! You can find this logic only in India.

- I am disgusted of all tabloids, news channels and gossip aunties carrying Aishwarya Rai and Abhishek Bachchan discussions. Going about on a temple tour and getting married to a Peepal tree all for Mr. Hairband wearing Abhishek, Ms. Rai could have had it simpler.

- My routine in USA for the last 6 months or so has been work 9-5 followed by book reading at Barnes and Nobles from 6-11. The only conversation I have is with the girl at Starbucks. After a few months even knew how I like my coffee so the little conversation I had was lost. I think my lifestyle has made me anti-social. Make that anti-conversant. I'll just sit amidst a group of people and listen to their conversation and nod. After a while I will keep nodding religiously while my mind will be in tristate. Reminds me of my undergrad lectures and most meetings at work. Anyways, I realized its high time I start getting back to social interaction and to the good old days when I could hold a conversation for hours.

- While in India, I managed to meet a few bloggers, which included Medha (who is a lot of fun to have around, has an awesome appetite and for someone who is not adept at travelling Mumbai roads did an Andheri to Kandivali alone - commendable!), Menagerie (who is another awesome person. She eats nothing and pays half the bill amount - worked fine for me!), Ideasmith (This kinda sums up the meet) with Sensorcaine (who footed my coffee bill). In the end I did myself proud by ending up looking like a cheapskate in front of all the women!

- I did my bit of travelling by the local trains, buses and autos. I decided to hop onto a train in the afternoon, hoping to beat the rush hour. However, it seems rush hour lasts 24X7.

- I am however shocked at Abhi (my neighbour, not Bachchan) making demands for Chocolate Cake at 2 AM (We were returning from a bar, which might explain it). That really is demanding. I was even more shocked when he found a place which served chocolate cake at 2 AM. Which is one of the reasons Mumbai rocks. Any time of the day or night, the place is happening.

Next post: Non-Veg Theplas!

DreamBoy

2007-02-24T00:15:00.000-05:00

Ummm, nope, I am not doing a male version of Beyonce's DreamGirls. I have just been tagged by Deepak to put down three of my weirdest dreams. While I am more than willing to do that, I shall add my own twist to it.

Ok, so back to dreaming.

Perhaps the weirdest dream I had was last weekend (Saturday night into Sunday morning). I dreamt a child was born to my uncle & aunt (my Mom laughed when I told her this) and the family was all happy. They had got the kid home from hospital when I walked in with my cousin bro (my uncles actual son). As we looked at the kid, we realized he has no eyes. No eyes meaning, he had eye-lids, but no eye-balls and the works underneath. Pull up the eye-lids and its all hollow. So I was pulling his eye-lids apart and looking in to see whats wrong (hey, its a weird dream, remember?). And my cousin bro was all panicky that there are no eyes. However, everyone around was very calm when they heard the news. And thats where it ends.

Explanation: I saw Eklavya on Saturday night where Amitabh plays an old guard with dying eyesight. There is a lot of focus on his eyes etc. in the movie and perhaps this was playing on my mind when I went to sleep.

However, what I wonder is why had nobody noticed the kid had no eyes till my cousin and I walked in?

I get this recurring dream. Its my engineering or my 12th grade examination the next day and I have completely forgetten about it. And there are these massive books, crazy diagrams, paper notes and I know it is impossible to seek in this information in a days time. Basically, I am flunking. Which is when I wake up. I must have had this dream about 3-5 times.

Conclusion: I should not have given my 12th or engineering exams!

I am getting married (there had to be one dream on this!!). However, I have no idea who the bride is. Even funnier, the marriage is on my building terrace (what we call T-Top), which is all lighted up and decorated and I am dressed up in a dhoti while all the people around me are dressed up in the typical Karan Johar movie-wedding sequence clothes. Both the sides family's are on T-Top but the girl is missing. Then someone says she is on her way from UK. The flight was delayed. Meantime my friends start calling to join them on the water tank and drink away. The girl arrives but I cant see her. All I can see is she is dressed in white and people escort her away. Suddenly there is music. Sounds like trance. Everyone starts dancing while I stand and stare. More people join in. The crowd gets intense, like a packed B.E.S.T. bus. People are clinging onto anything they see. Pipes, poles. The music plays on. T-top is packed beyond capacity with people dressed in traditional clothes dancing to trance. Suddenly the marriage has turned into a Frathouse party! Till one person falls off. And then people start jumping off T-top (which is an eight storey drop). And this is when I wake up.

Explanation: Marriage - just read my previous post. It was playing on my mind. In Mumbai, we sit on T-top every night and get drunk. I had a 13 hour stop-over in London, which might explain the UK connection. Bird keeps talking about crowded BEST buses all the time.
However jumping off the terrace and girl dressed in white? *Scratches head*

Conclusion: My marriage is gonna be one hell of a rave party!

They say one can interpret most dreams. I wont tag anyone (however, anyone who has not blogged in a while could try their hand at this), but would definitely like to hear how you interpret these dreams. Thats my twist to the tag and your homework for the day!

Apoorva Marries Movie Star.... NOT!

2007-02-10T04:02:00.000-05:00

The last post was about Iyers marriage. Now lets talk about mine!

For ye ignorants, I am back to the land of the Gujjus - USA. However, this trip to India has been a lot of fun to say the least. First up, 10 days after I landed in India, I landed up in a hospital. IV drip (I asked the doc to plug it into a Bacardi but he wouldnt agree) and the works. After a weeks stay at the hospital wherein the doctor successfully performed liposuction, butt implants and a lil botox I was sitting home recovering for a couple of more weeks. These few weeks turned out to be the perfect time for my Mom to brainwash me on getting married. And despite being highly drugged, I refused. When Mom used to say, "Lets check out some girls", I was so sure I am hearing things as an after-effect of 'em antibiotics. However I insisted I was too drugged to talk straight with a girl (which I never do, but served as a good excuse this time) and Mom went silent. For a while.

She waited calmly for a few weeks till I started club hopping with Abhi and gang. And then insisted I "check out some girls" since I was back to my normal self. One thing you should know about my Mom. She wont take a flat NO as an answer. However if you give her a No with some good reasoning to support it, she'll accept. However, she will make you regret it. Hence, this is the conversation which followed.

Me: I dont think in 14 days I can zero down on a girl I would like to get married to. Even if I found someone interesting (read - rich and hot), there is no way that in 14 days I am gonna get to know her so well to say she is the one. And once I leave for USA, I am not "getting to know her better via e-mail, chat or phone" (this by the way is an outright lie. If you are a rich hot chick reading this, I will chat, email and call you up like there is no tomorrow. Actually, lets get married tomorrow!)

Mom: True. Perhaps you are right. Its too late this time. Perhaps your next trip. (looks at Dad) You should tell the ZEE TV person Apoorva is not interested this time.

Me: ZEE TV?

Mom: Oh, I forget the familys name. Their only daughter is an actress. Stars in this show on ZEE, every Monday to Thursday, X:XX PM. They seemed to be interested.

Me: Oh.... accha? Really?

Mom: Yeah, her name is (held back for obvious reasons) and the character she plays is called (held back for obvious reasons)

So come Monday, X:XX PM, I creep into my room and tune into ZEE TV. And my Miss(ed) Opportunity is all over the boob tube. The sequence being shown is that she has been dumped by her fiancee, is standing on her house terrace shedding tears when it starts pouring. She continues standing there, getting all wet in the rain (called, get wet in the rain sequence). At the same time, my Mom enters the room.

Mom: Thats her! Thats her!

Me: (Depressed) Yeah.

Mom: She is so good looking no?

Me: (Depressed) Yeah.

Mom: But you are right. 10 days is too less to get to know someone. During our times it was different. Arranged marriages. They used to work out well.

And Mom walks out the door while Miss(ed) Opportunity gets drenched in the rain.

Now, wo has a gun I could borrow?

Iyer Goes To Marriage Hall

2007-01-25T14:44:00.000-05:00

And so do we.... the only difference is we come back single! So its official. Good ol' Iyer is married. Now if you are looking out for photos of Mr. & Mrs. Iyer, I'll leave the man himself to release an official snap of the two. However what I plan to go about doing is describe the awesome time we had at the wedding and reception.

The wedding took place at a temple in Matunga (Mumbai). Getting there was an interesting experience where we saw a biker being tossed off his bike, Abhi screeching his car at every turn and a hilarious discussion with a friend over whether an island exists amid the Dharavi slums. However, reaching the temple was a completely different experience. First off, I had no idea such a temple could exist in the heart of Mumabai. Called the Kochu Aiyyvaru (I am sure I got the spelling wrong), my belief that such magnificent architecture exists only down south was shattered.

Some things to know at South Indian weddings:

- You get to eat on banana leaves (well, it also happens at Maharastrian weddings), but the south side is a different experience.
- There are no forks, knives or spoons. Use your hands, which is fine if you have been born and bought up in India.
- Never miss out on the Paayasam. Its the most awesome thing which could happen to mankind. Iyers wedding had two types, what we called the white paayasam and dark paayasam (due to its color - and more so to draw comparison with white rum and dark rum). As a matter of fact we also did 30 ml payasam shots which Abhi found out (after 24 hours) does not get you drunk but disturbs your tummy.
- Never mention any non-vegetarian food. I figured this out the wrong way. As we entered the hall, I asked aloud - "Do they have chicken for lunch?"
- Call people by their first name. Since we always call Iyer as Iyer and not by his first name, entering the hall and shouting "Iyer" resulted in 100 people staring at us. All Iyer's.
- When rice is served, let the person know when to stop. Dont talk to Abhi as rice is served. Else your banana leaf is all covered with rice.
- Also, make a hole in the middle of the mound of rice. Thats where the sambhar (gravy) to have the rice with goes. If you dont do that, the gravy flows all over your banana leaf.
- Once the gravy and rice is mixed, you make rice balls out of small portions and toss 'em in your mouth. This requires a high level of practice and as I found out, you usually miss your mouth and hit every other part of your face.
- Its difficult getting to the bride and bridegroom. They are swamped by relatives 24X7, however we did manage to get to Iyer and made him click a snap in his famous Sanjeev Kumar pose.

I came upon these musicians playing a few instruments. The lead apparently got pissed off at me pointing the camera at him and stopped playing.

However, my friend was more than happy to exhibit his dance moves.

Iyer, wishing the two of you an awesome married life, lotsa love and loads of paayasam!

DUMBINO Effect

2007-01-21T05:07:00.000-05:00

Day: Saturday
Time: 11:30 PM
Place: Alaps house
Props: Cell Phone

Alap: Ah, Domino's. Finally you guys answered the phone!
Domino Guy (DG): Yes Sire.
Alap: Ok, Can you tell me what veggie options you guys have?
DG: Garden Veggie, Farm blah and blah blah blah.
Alap: Thats a long list, tell me something which has cheese, onion and mushrooms.
Abhi: (drunk on Southern Comfort) A cheese onion mushroom pizza.
Alap: Ok, farm fresh veggie it is. And something with spicy chicken?
DG: (gives options).
Alap: Cool, the veggie can come in a 8" thin crust right?
DG: Nope, 10" for thin crust.
Alap: OK, make it thin crust 10", one farm fresh veggie and two spicy chicken.

DG: Sorry sir, we are closed for the day.
Alap: Huh? You are closed? If you are closed why are you talking to me then?
DG: Sir, you were asking questions, so I was answering.

I personally think Alap has met his match. Soul-mate. Check-mate!

So How Is Your Sex Life?

2007-01-10T16:23:00.000-05:00

Getting down to Mumbai and walking the by-lanes is always fun. More fun is when you meet people you know, but not know so well, expect a hello-how-are-you but end up getting a libido quiz.

It so happens I am walking from the local vegetable seller around the corner carrying a bag of potatoes, when I bump into this girl I have known for years. Known to the extent of each time we cross paths, she smiles, I smile, both say hello and go our separate ways. And so I expect the same this time. Hence I say Hello and smile, and to my surprise she plunges into conversation.

She: Oh, back from USA?
Me: Yup (smiling)
She: So howz it there?
Me: Good (still smiling)
She: So how is your sex life?
Me: (no smile)

This goes into a catch-22 situation. When you leave for USA, half the Indian population thinks the air-hostess gives you a lap-dance and you are greeted by strippers when you land. So telling her - "Bad, very bad" would make me look like a loser. In reality, that is fine, I am used to the loser tag, but the fear at this moment was if she said, "Oh, how sad, I could help you improve it" (yes, I know my life is too sad for even that to happen, but I couldnt risk it).

However saying something like, "Oh, its nice, its very nice" would feed the rumour mills of Nandanvan with a "Apoorva acts in C-grade Hollywood movies".

Hence, as the wise may have figured out by now, I was faced with one of the most difficult questions of my life. How is my sex life? And what did I opt to do? I dropped the bag of potatoes I was carrying, which thankfully worked well since both of us went running after the potatoes. After putting them back in my bag, she smiled, I smiled and like old times, went our separate ways.

Bloody Mary

2006-12-28T12:03:00.000-05:00

Dad and me were standing on SV Road as Mom got some vegetables from the local vegetable seller. This kid, shabbily dressed, ruffled hair, street-worn out kinda look, definitely a teenager walks up to my dad.

Kid: Saab, joota polish karoo? (Sir, can I polish your shoes?)
Dad: (Shakes his head to a no)
Kid: Saab, karne do, bahut bhook laga hai (Sir, let me polish them, I am very hungry)

Dad looked around and saw the only conveniently accessible food spot was the vegetable seller.

Dad: Tamatar khayegaa? (Will you eat tomatoes?)
Kid: (Nodded a painful yes)

Dad picked up two tomatoes and gave them to the kid. My eyes followed him till they could, wondering if he would sell these tomatoes off for a beedi, or if he would eat them. When I saw him take a bite off the first tomato, I was glad, and sad.

Dad paid the seller two rupees for the tomatoes and we moved on. But my mind kept flashing back to the 180 bucks cranberry juice I had at a lounge I visited few days ago and the sad yes nodded by the kid for two tomatoes.

Definitely one needs to be thankful for what one has, and an incident like this would have surely made me feel thankful for all thats been given to me so far. But this time round it just made me feel that more than anything its people like us who can make a small difference and snowball it into a big one. Two tomatoes could feed one mouth. Could stop a crime, could hold back a tear.

When you are done partying on the first day of 2007, try not to throw away your left overs. You have no idea the number of mouths it could feed.

Everyone have a fun filled safe 2007.

Chalo Bombay

2006-12-06T02:58:00.000-05:00

Did I ever mention to you that I'll be flying out of Baltimore on 25th December for good ol' Bombay? Did I? If I did, I would like you to forget it. And remember this - I'll be flying out 10th Dec. Talk about sudden change of plans, which gives me more than a good month in Bombay.

However, before I land in Mumbai there are a few worries.

- I have to spend a good 13 hours in London between flights. And I am too lazy to drive down to NYC and get a UK Visa so I could get out and tour the city. Hence the the biggest question of my life is how do I entertain myself at the airport. No, I cant get drunk (dont ask, I have given up drinking alcohol). A good option is to walk up the entire airport repeatedly for 13 hours and get all the exercise my body has missed out on in the last 5 years. I will be carrying this book, "The Monk Who Sold His Ferrari" to keep me entertained.

- Altho I am not flying Air India this time, I am hoping I wont come across another iJalpa. Oh well, if I do, it'll be entertainment for you guys.

- Since I am leaving in a rather unexpected manner, I have been burdened with this workload which almost makes me feel like postponing my trip. I however, shall survive (if my boss is reading this, it translates to I shall finish my assigned tasks).

Talking about entertainment, there are a few things which I am thinking on.

- Freak out the Brits! Brush my teeth at the airport restroom and splash toothpaste all over the mirror when some well mannered Britisher stands next to me.

- Sit cross legged on the floor, spread a cloth and lay out food on it. Eat with my bare hands (south Indian style, lick the rassam from my elbow to the wrist)

- Eat tons of onions and garlic and bug the guy next to me about the functionality of the iPod.

- Ask every person I come across if the Big Ben actually speaks Gujarati.

- Act like Borat. "Hello, my name is Apoorva. In my country we make the babies in airport. Is good in UK?"

Once in Mumbai, we should have a blogger meet! I already have a few people lined up on my radar. Anyone else who wants to swing by, lemme know. We could meet over coffee (send me an email if you are up for it and whether you will pay for my coffee - the later will the the decider).

See y'all in a weeks time!

PS: Bird, go into hiding!

Random Conversations & Observations

2006-11-28T13:41:00.000-05:00

I walk into Old Navy and pick up a pair of pants I like. Walk into the fitting room and as the girl at the entrance opens the door for me, she says, "Let me know if I can be of any help"

- Sure, like you are gonna come in with me and help me put on the pants -
- Or did she think I was too fat to get into a 30? -

I am randomly walking around GAP and checking out this shirt which I have been checking out since 3 months (I am a loser, I wait till the $68 price gets slashed to $6). One of the staff approaches me (while I try to act like I am genuinely interested) and says, "Is there a size I can help you find"

"Nay! But there is a price you could help me find"

(Yeah, she gave me the loser look)

Now I never figured whats with the staff at Armani showrooms. Ok, I'll give them credit that they dress up funky, living to the latest trends, but they act like they were the Great Armani in person. Either half of them are looking at you and placing bets that you will never buy what you are browsing through or the other half just acts like you didnt exist. Armani makes great clothes (the good side), makes em expensive (the bad side - the scale is evenly balanced here), but the staff makes you feel like no one is supposed to wear these clothes (and the scale crashes heavily on the bad side).

Walking through a shoe store:
Me: I am looking for a size 11 in this one (in case any of you are wondering, I am not size 11)
She: Do you see it up there?
Me: No.
She: Then its not there.

I am sure she'll give sales a whole new dimension. Someday. In her next life.

Hope everyone had a nice Thanksgiving and managed to grab some killer deals.

Unforgiven (My Version)

2006-11-13T22:32:00.000-05:00

You did the wrong
To put Her mistake right

You made the loved one hate you
Such so She does not hate herself for loving you

You welcomed a lifetime of guilt
Such that Her conscience would remain pure

You closed that half-open door
Knowing only then would She open another one for sure...

[But aware this one wouldnt be for you...]

Thrust a dagger through your soul to put Her at peace,
Such peace that She believed you always lived your life

You fell in your own eyes
Just so that She could look herself in the mirror

You forgive Her for what was done
But in Her own eyes, you are the Unforgiven.

Note to Hetfield: Looking to add new talent to your band?

Tear Me This

2006-11-05T01:53:00.000-05:00

Birds latest entry has a part where he goes on about a childhood snap of his. And how it brought tears in his eyes. To quote him - "...its just that I was too reckless with my childhood than I should’ve been & too observant of my post teens. I should have been more observant & accepted my childhood than my adulthood, like taking childhood seriously & spend adulthood as a child..."

This made me dig out some old snaps which I had scanned on my trip to India. The fact that Bird would cry if I found some more kid snaps of his was motivation enough. Also Abhi posting some of his kiddie snaps (and Hooters snaps!) was sentimental reason enough.

The first one that came up see-sawed me between the past and present. What we were, and what we have become. Never ever at that stage would I have thought this is where we would be.

From L-R (I'm using complete names in case one of them ever Googles himself)
Ashish Duggar, Amit Sthalekar, Ganesh V (sharing the same chair), Aditya Bakshi, Neelotpal Kundu, Moi, Dont know who, Priyadarshan Nadkarni (Bird), Siddharth Anbalahan and Kedar Bhide.

Random Note:
Who would believe Amit would end up being a DJ. Ganesh would end up in acting/modelling (read here) and that Kedar would fight the Kargil war. The rest of us in that snap are useless.

Same time, same place.

Random Note:
The idea of Brokeback Mountain started with Farro and Sthalu in the same chair. And Baywatch swimsuits were designed after looking at my shorts (Girls stop trying to zoom in).

L-R: Phani, Me and Siddharth Maskeri.
This is by far one of my favorite snaps.

Random Note:
The phrase 'thunder thighs' was coined after looking at my.... thighs!

The above is from a stage play.
The man on the left, with the stick and white/black hair is Me! The woman with the stick is Smita Rao. I think she played my wife. Miss Red Pants is Mekhala Samsi but the guy right in front, white shirt and blue jeans, flapping his hands to imitate the Backstreet Boys, is well, you guessed it - Bird!

And thats Mekhala Samsi (Mekhala, if you ever Google yourself - Big Hello to ya!) and Me, standing up on the apartment complex's electrical box. It had a huge sign which said - "DANGER - 240 V". Mom always told me not to go anywhere near it as a kid. This is proof that I did and when I head to India this December - I'll get smacked for it! Sorry Ma!

Good snaps! Good memories.

Inernet Cable Connection - $19.95/month
Coffee while typing this post - $3.15
To make Bird cry - Priceless!!

Start crying Bird, start crying!

Now Hiring...

2006-10-29T04:15:00.000-05:00

Seaport, NYC.

Ani: I'll stay here till my H1 runs out and head back to India.
Me: Yeah, me too!
Ani: Really? Will go back and start some business.
Me: I want to start a school.
Ani: School? Are you nuts? School?
Me: Yeah. "Apoo Jo's Girls High School"
Ani: Mark my words, someday you are going to jail.

Telephone, Baltimore - Hyderabad.

Nishchal: I am bored of Infy. Its like school. Some new thing needs to be learnt everyday and then they give you a test on it.
Me: If you are bored, go back to Mumbai. Start your own venture.
Nishchal: Hmmmmm.... good idea. Lets start something of our own.
Me: I want to start a school.
Nishchal: School? Huh? School? Are you nuts?
Me: No man. Seriously. "Apoo Jo's Girls High School"
Nishchal: I will be teacher!

Telephone, Baltimore - Mumbai.

He: Man, come back. We'll get piss drunk!
Me: I can do that here!
He: Hmmm... no man, forget USA. Come here, loadsa opportunities here. Know what, we could start something....
Me: I have been wanting to start a school.
He: School?
Me: "Apoo Jo's Girls High School"
He: OK! I will take care of the publicity/marketing.
Me: Cool.... how?
He: I'll have an affair with one of the students. Once the media comes to know, we are famous.

Baltimore, MD.

She: Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! You want to start a school. Noble thought Apoo. But why?
Me: Coz I feel everyone has the right to a basic education, but there is something beyond that which needs to be taught as well and...
She: No, why Girls High School?
Me: Coz women in rural parts of India have difficulty getting a basic education. And once I start a Girls School, a Boys school will crop up next to it. Trust me!
She: OK! I shall teach dance.
Me: Very cool.
She: Salsa!
Me: I am not sure if Salsa would be appreciated in rural parts....
She: Why not? Salsa is Salsa. Everyone loves Salsa. I could teach my pug to Salsa.
Me: OK....
She: But if we need partners, I am gonna have to pull boys over from the neighboring school. And then I can imagine you swatting them with your cane as they flirt with the girls.
Me: Miss, I am not gonna be carrying any cane.
She: Oh you are. Striped pants, white shirt, suspenders, specs, cane and a wig.

Sigh....

I need sane people. "Apoo Jo's Girls High School" is now hiring. Any volunteers? Benefits include Life, Dental, Vision AD&D. Other perks like free stationary, bus rides, milk and 3 months summer vacation.

Student admission is simple. "Apoo Jo's Girls High School" doesnt believe in attracting the best talent. It believes in producing the best talent.

Classes begin in 2020.

4 A.M.

2006-10-20T04:30:00.000-04:00

Its Diwali, its 4 A.M.

And I am wide awake.

Ask me why?

Coz it seems my neighbor is vacationing in some exotic place, but has conveniently forgotten to switch his alarm clock off. So guess who has woken up by the noise?

The fireworks back home have been replaced by alarm clocks in USA.

Have a Happy and Safe Diwali everyone!

How I Love Pot Lucks

2006-10-17T00:09:00.000-04:00

".....it would be awesome if she married John Doe"

Pot Lucks are always fun. I think the first pot luck I experienced was when as a kid we all gathered in my building playground and shared some food. Of course, the food was cooked by our Moms, and hence, edible.

In USA pot-lucks keep happening at the same rate Chase sends me credit card offers. The only difference between the two being I very much enjoy the potlucks, simply coz every pot luck I visit has a story and comes at 0% APR. Like there was one which I went for when I had no clue how to cook. So I made rice, mixed it with some salsa kinda sauce, added vegetables to it and it smelt awesome. Only, the rice was half cooked and I realized it when it was too late. So I named it "Half Baked Mexican Tequila Rice". Half Baked provided an excuse for the raw taste. Mexican provided an excuse for the use of Salsa. Tequila gave everyone a false hope that it had alcohol and Rice probably might be the only truth in that statement. Everyone ate the rice to the last remains. They might have shat bricks the next day, but they did finish it off.

The iPod might not have sold as much had they named it Apple Player and the rice would not have been eaten had it not been named "Half Baked Mexican Tequila Rice". This, by the way, is the closest I would ever get to emulating Steve Jobs.

Then there was another Pot-Luck where a guy got drunk and insisted he wanted to strip naked before everyone. When he was asked not to, he went abusing the host, picked a fight with everyone twice his size and eventually got tossed out.

Have I said this before - Pot-Lucks are always fun.

Last weekend a senior from my undergrad who also happens to be in Baltimore called me for a pot luck. Apart from awesome food, I came across awesome people. Most were PhD students from John Hopkins and from different nationalities. German, Irish, Chinese, Swedish, Indian, American etc. and by 1 AM I thought I had my share of an intellectual overdose (not really, we had fun!). There seemed to be a lot of interest in the Indian culture and there was a point when the discussion went to Indian names.

"If you want the best Indian names, you need to visit Mallus. Specially Mallu Christians."

"Why?"

"Oh, I know a family whose daughters are named Liby, Ciby and Diby. No meaning to it, just coz it rhymes."

"One of my colleagues daughters name is Algebra."

"Coming back to this Liby, it would be awesome if she married John Doe"

- Apoorva rolls over with laughter. -

There was a point where the dicussion was on ships and then on women and then on a ship loaded with women, to which one one pointed out, "That would give the phrase - Pirates in search of booty - a whole new meaning."

The Irish lady went home convinced that 'Spicy Chicken' is dessert in India.

How I love pot-lucks! Anyone have weird pot-luck stories?

Two

2006-10-14T13:08:00.000-04:00

There are few things which kinda spook you out. On a silent dark night, no moon in the sky, when you lie on your bed with all lights shut absorbing in the darkness, and someone knocks on your door. It makes your heart skip a beat! And then a very thin voice, like one which would struggle to find its fit into a masculine or a feminine says, "Apoo, you still awake Apoo?", it spooks you out!

So you walk upto the door, heart pounding and look through the peephole. And go, "What the #$@%$" and open the door wide for Michael Jackson to enter your living room.

"Whats up Michael, whats brings you at this hour?"

You dont get an answer. He just walks into your bedroom, then into your bathroom, in the kitchen, searching for something.

"Lose something Michael?"

Then he stops still and looks at you. That pale skin, deep eyes, ~~false nose~~, straight nose. "Two", he says.

"What TWO Michael? I dont know what you are talking about, and I am sleepy, so could you come to the point?"

"I heard you have a two year old in this house?"

"I think you are mistaken"

"NO", he screams. "I am not. Whats his name? Bob? Yeah, I heard people say - Apoo's Bob turns two today. So where is this Bob? Two is such a ripe age. I dont know if you are being able to take proper care of Bob, so I thought I could help. You know, I love children."

............................................................

Oh well, I have sent Michael to the nearest Clinic to get his hearing checked up. And yes, this BLOG is officially two years old. I know I have been a little lazy and not so routine at posting this year. In Michael's words, "I am not taking proper care of Bob". What can I say - I realized I have a life!

So go ahead, celebrate! Buy some cake, have a few drinks and send me the check. After that, wait for me to sign up on Google Adsense and then click on all the advertisements till you cough up enough revenue for me to pay you back!

Gujju Attacks And The Acid Test

2006-10-07T00:55:00.000-04:00

After like a zillion years and realizing I have been making free monthly donations to my gym, I decided to make use of that multistoried complex where you get live-walking-talking examples of what obese would be and what well toned would be.

And like most of my gym stories, this one has to start in the locked room. As like most of my stories, it has to involve a slightly fat Gujju Uncle trying to hitch me up with his daughter.

So when I entered the locker room, I found myself face to face with this man who would be in his late 40's or early 50's. His English was somewhere between - I learnt it at the age of 40 - to - I learnt it yesterday. Yet his effort at speaking the language was recommendable. Altho at first he started off with the usual Gujju pair of words.

"Kem Chho?" (How are you?), with a smile so wide that it might have exposed all of his 32 teeth. At this time, I would like to remind everyone of a new policy incorporated by yours truly. He who shall assume I am Gujju will not get a word of Gujju out of me.

"Good. Yourself?", I said. The man was smart enough to get the hint and started conversing in English. We made small talk and as I was heading for my treadmill, he goes, "The good and healthy Indian in US, is good to see always."

I smiled, and walked away. As I was done with the treadmill, he walked up to me again, giving me the impression he had been spying on me and waiting for me to stop. "University you go to?" After letting him know what I work here and finished my schooling, with a slight hint of a frown, he says, "My daughter go to good university here" and after a pause says, "But you teach me how the dumbell do?"

From experience, the moment Gujju men start talking about their daughter(s), a huge alarm rings in my head. Its like my sixth sense pounding my eardrums warning me of an unseen danger.

"I cant lift weights for a while, so you'll have to excuse me."

"You have the problem? I help when you in need. My daughter goto good medical school. All medicine you come to me. She help. After all, the good and healthy Indian in US, is good to see always"

And so my first and last day (for a while) at the gym was as such.... (On a sidenote, I have been reading Gregory Roberts - Shantaram, and somehow this guy reminded me of Prabhaker the Guide)

On a different note, my ex-roomie did get married to his European Girlfriend. The wedding took place in Europe and then the bride stayed back for a month and joined him here. What she got with her was a dog. A miniature pinscher. I jokingly call the mutt as dowry. But apparently he is named 'Waffle' and is probably thrice the size of my palm. In all honesty, my neighbour has a cat which is bigger than him.

For reasons best known to everyone, I was avoiding Waffle, till one day the owner and the dog decide to visit my apartment.

"He wont do anything to you..."

"How do you know?", said I, as Waffle slowly walked up to me.

"Oh, he'll smell you and thats about it", and the mutt, a little taller than my ankles, did walk up and smell my toes, licked them and walked away.

Finally, I thought, there exists a dog who is crazy enough not to run after me. And in all happiness, I called out to him, "Waffle, Waffle, Waffle". And he turns around, growls, the growl turns into a bark and starts running at me. The look in his eyes said it all. "I am 1/50 th your size, but I'll rip you apart"

Fortunately for him, he was on a leash.

Thats Waffle, and the cutest part about him is his ears are too big for his body. And one ear is always uptight and the other is slack, resting down.

Also, going to a Pet Shop makes me realize dogs live a carefree life. They have these teeny weeny shirts made for them which says, "Wanna be my bitch?". I so wanted something like that since I was five, but had to think a thousand times if I had to wear it.

Know. Know More...

2006-09-23T11:25:00.000-04:00

Knowledge Is Strength Supreme. So you should always know. Know more. And more. And more... about me! =)

In a way I am catering to Couch's tag of listing down 'weird things' about oneself. But I'll just put it down as things about myself. Am sure most of you will find them weird anyways. And yes, 13 is a lucky number.

1. "Like". I use this word a little too often. "I mean, its like...", "Like, you know...". As a matter of fact "You know" and "like" go hand in hand. But I have consciously got rid of the habit of saying "You Know", simply coz once I was interviewing a candidate and he kept saying, "You Know" while answering most questions. I mean, of course I know!! Or would I be asking you these questions? Which is when I realize I might end up looking the same way when I interview.

2. "Actually". Thats the next on my list. Used too often. I knew some people who fancied calling me "Actually". Now I consciously try to limit myself.

3. "Really". Thats my latest. I picked this one up from my boss. When I tell him any surprising news, he'll go - "Realleeeee???"
"I am going on one months vacation" - "Realleeee?"
"Maybe its a little late in the development cycle, but I found a glaring bug" - "Realleee?"
So now, even I go "Reallyyy?" when some surprising news comes by. Sometimes I'll say - "You's kidding me"

4. As a kid - 6th grade perhaps, I used to have these bright red colored pants which I used to love. And then I used to fancy wearing a particular shirt on it. One which had thick horizontal stripes of yellow, green, blue, violet, red, orange. Finally I used to look like a "Rainbow On The Move". I feel glad I outgrew those pants!! Altho right now my cooks son is running around in red pants with a horizontal striped multi-colored shirt.

5. Lightning amazes me and freaks me out. From a distance, I love to see it streak across the sky. But when its happening right over my head, I always feel its gonna hit me causing me to panic. The rumble of thunder does not scare me in any which way. The Gauls feared the sky shall fall on their heads and I fear I shall be hit by lightning (those who read Asterix will know what I am talking about).

6. I love dogs. But there are very few dogs who love me. If you ever see a dog running - look closer. I will be running in front of the dog. I however plan to have a dog one day. As a pet. As a matter of fact, when I was a kid, I picked up this street pup and got him home. My Mom said she could only handle one at a time, hence I was kicked out.

7. I can shop for hours, or just browse but at select places. For one, I could spend good time at IKEA, simply coz I love the way they style things up. The bedroom ideas, dining creations, etc which they model on display are absolutely brilliant and something to learn from. And it feels nice when after all that walking you finally reach their cafeteria. However I cannot roam around a mall without any purpose for more than an hour (besides the free Chinese food samplers being passes around). With, or without company. If I know what I have to buy, or what the person accompanying me has to buy, I'll spend time to come to a conscious decision. But once thats done, pay the cashier swing by a few stores and get outta there!

8. If I ever enter a mall in the US of A, I need to have an Aunt Annies Pretzel. Jalpeno, sour cream and onion or on a rare occasion, cinnamon and sugar.

9. I never have coffee or tea at work. Even when off work, I'll sometimes indulge in the Cafe Mocha at Starbucks or on a rare occasion Hazelnut at Dunkin. I will however soak in loads of water. All day long. Exceptions are you could probably find me having coffee many a time at Mocha or Barista/CCD when in Mumbai.

10. The first impression I convey many a time is that of an arrogant, rude, brat of a kid. At least thats how most of my close friends have described their first impression of me. And then admitted they were wrong. You just have to wait till you go out with me. Once I have conned you in to pay for the food, movies and ride back home, the opinion changes to "cheap, conniving, ass of a kid!"

11. I love problem solving. At work, home, anywhere. Some people crib when disaster strikes. I like to believe the inevitable has happened and figure out whats the best solution out of it. I love puzzles (not crosswords), more so the lateral thinking kinds. I need to feel challenged/mystified, or you wont get the best results from me.

12. As a kid, I wanted to be a bus conductor. My Mom wanted me to be a doctor. Now I work with doctors all day and take the bus to work as a compromise between my childhood ambition and my Moms dream.

13. I am going bald.

Gandhigiri....

2006-09-15T23:27:00.000-04:00

You sit with your buddy at work and are in midst of some serious code review. As you are stepping through the code and come across a loophole...

Me: "Abbe, vaat lag gaya"
He: "No, No!"
Me: "No?" (surprised but happy that this might not be as bad as it looks)
He: "Not Vaat Lag Gaya. Duurgati ho gaya. Duurgati!" (huge smile)

- after a few seconds of no change in my rather grim expression -

Me: "If I slap you HARD across your face, will you give me the other cheek?"
He: (sheepishly) "Ok, lets fix that bug."

Weird Things Do Happen

2006-09-08T01:35:00.000-04:00

All one needs to do is travel to NYC.

I have always been in love with the people of the city and more so, with the city itself. Insanity is the norm.

We spent the long weekend roaming the streets of NY and came upon some interesting findings. In the concrete mess shown above thrives a huge Desi population which commands the authority to take out a Ganesh procession, block traffic and do things - Desi Style.

Also, amongst this lot, lives a lady who should not be allowed anywhere close to the microphone (seriously, she is a hearing hazard)

Click this Link for Google Video on the lady.

I was pleasantly surprised to see a Ganesh procession walk through the streets of the city last Sunday. Got back many memories of the celebrations we had back in Nandanvan as kids (and adults).

- The most distinct memory being returning from school and heading straight into the buildings prayer room where they kept the idol for 5 days. Taking off your shoes, pulling up a few chairs (usually it was Bakshi and myself) and gobble down all the prasad.

- Climbing on top of the truck which came by for Visarjan and as it made its way thru crowded streets, shouting slogans. This used to be a collective effort which used to gain further momentum when a group of girls were spotted on the side streets. "Ganpati Bappa, Moriyaa..." used to tranform into "Babe, babe, babe, babe..." and we nudged each other in the direction of the feminine species - all unaware our parents were watching from behind.

- One fine year, when the truck driver dropped all of us at the beach, and happily drove off with our footwear.

- The society organized games. As a kid I remember losing the lemon in a spoon race. Also I remember winning the Table Tennis Tournament for a cash prize of ten bucks; which I proudly showed to my Grandmom; which she doubled to twenty and was quickly spent gulping down four bottles of Thumbs Up.

- Playing Housie. I used to love calling out the numbers. 88 was a personal favorite. I would stare at the fattest ladies in the crowd and go something like - "And next is the two famous fat ladies, hand in hand, 8 and 8, eighty eight". Lame, I agree!

- Decorating the prayer room. This was great fun coz I used to be the only guy turning up with some 50 women. Call it my tribute to Lord Krishna. The decorative paper used to originate from the ceiling fan and terminate on the side walls till some smart Aunty (or many a time Umm - Umm if you are reading this, we still remember), used to switch on the fan to see everything crash down.

Ganesh Chaturthi was surely a happening event around Nandanvan and the recent trip to NYC sure got back those memories.

But coming back to the city and its weirdness, did you guys hear about the Giraffe which escaped the zoo and made its way to Central Park? We happened to bump into him and he turned out to be quite a friendly animal looking for food.

Of course I am kidding. Thats a pic taken at Animal Kingdom by my friends. But many people would believe this could happen in the city.

Lage Raho, Munna Bhai....

2006-09-02T21:45:00.000-04:00

The last long weekend of summer and pretty much a kickoff for Fall and I find myself in NY/NJ. Its been raining since the last 48 hours. Driving up in traffic has not been a pleasure. And this rain is making my every-ready-to-party friends all sleepy. Barbeque plans have been scrapped and its left me with not much to do but spend time updating my blog whilst others get a shut eye.

The awesome part so far has been watching "Lage Raho Munnabhai". Somehow I had hugh expectations from this movie and it pretty much went way beyond expectations. An amazing follow-up to the first part, altho the two dont have too much of a link, so if you havent seen Part 1, it doesnt stop you from watching this one. I am not going to go about talking much about the story, but its definitely worth a see.

I think Sanjay Dutt can play this goon kinda role to perfection. And he puts up a brilliant show in this comedy. His sense of comic timing, dialogue delivery and expressions are just perfect.

Vidya Balan never looked better. If you thought Gracy Singh was a fresh draft of air, this girls taken it to a higher level. I'll usually drool over Dia Mirza (who also happens to play a part in this story), but this time, Balan took the droolotrophy.

And just like the prequel, Warsi is the underdog who ends up with the best lines in this movie. Hats off to this guy. I dont think anyone would ever fit Circuits shoes more than Warsi.

Apart from being a laugh riot, this movie carries an awesome social message. And its put across very well. It'll make you laugh, it'll get you emotional and it'll make you ponder upon the present state of things.

A must see! Karan Johar, please take some clues!

Another plus point of coming to NJ is the desi food available in abundance. Since setting foot in US of A, I have always been keen with the idea of setting up a Merwans (the one close to Andheri Stn - West) kinda joint. Hot Breads is the American answer to Merwans. Ah! Chicken Tikka Puff. I could keep eating that! Dabeli, Vada-Pau, and Black Forest Pastry. It happens only in... NJ! Of course, I have had my fair share of Gujju Uncles acting weird with me by now....

Hopefully the rain is gonna slow down tomorrow and I can head into the city. The city is always happening so I should have some interesting stories unfolding over here. Keep checking back...

And now I am off to do another desi thingy.... play carrom.

How Women Without Oreos Can Be Dangerous To Health

2006-08-31T03:38:00.000-04:00

Over many centuries, man has tried to arouse em women in different ways. Tempt them. Like keeping a lioness hungry and then giving her a small taste of blood. That'll make her desperate for more and drive her to a certain level of insanity.

I figured out something which works to the same effect. Perhaps better.

Its been a long day at work. Its approaching 6 PM (which by my company standards is an hour or more beyond closing time) and a group of people are still at work. Yours truly is included in that group.

Just a few days ago I picked up a pack of Mint Oreos (dont ask why) and for reasons unknown to me, carried them to work. At 6 PM I went about distributing them to anyone staying up late. Many of the males politely refused (as expected) and all the women pounced on it. In the end I could account for one cookie a person, and the stock I had carried to work was over in no time.

After having my much wanted break, I was back in my office space when I hear footsteps. Many footsteps. Like an army approaching. And millions of bodies pop into my room. All smiling (but a little tense) women.

"Do you have any more of those mint Oreos?"
Me: "Uhhh.... No"
"Man, we need those. You gave us one and now you have us going"
"I love mint", said one.
"I love chocolate", said the other.
"I love chocolate with mint", said the third one.
"Mint Oreos have chocolate with mint", said all of them!
.............
.............
.............
.............
"Help", said I.

Then one of em moves threateningly close. "You get us the Oreo Mints now Mister. Go buy them. We need em! NOW!!"

Ha! I think the Axe Effect is crap! They need to get out something in terms of "The Mint Oreo Effect".

Of course, on my way to work tomorrow I need to pick up a super-duper pack of the above, else this could very well be my last blog entry.

For A Change

2006-08-23T00:31:00.000-04:00

When I look back at certain events or people 10 years ago to what they are now, I am shocked on how my guess went so wrong! In 10th grade, when you are the all famous brat making all the front benchers tremble at your sight and when you spot this little wouldnt harm a fly kinda silent guy staring at you with an expression that he is gonna piss in fear if you take another step closer, at that very moment you know that this guy is gonna grow up to be a doctor, get married by the age of 25 to the girl his parents choose, oil his hair all his life and have kids when his parents say its the right time!

I recently made up a profile on Orkut and have had people popping by in tons, people I had no clue had even survived their 12th grade are working as financial wizards up on Wall St. And its done my ego no harm to realize someone actually does a search on my name and says hello! And when I look back on my self-imposed opinion about most of these people, I think I been so wrong!

A friend 'scrapped' me about a month ago, saying he saw my profile and was in Baltimore. We were soon having dinner together. The last I spoke to him was in 1995-96. We were together in Jamnabai. Played cricket together. He always got me run out! He was the most silent chap I had ever known. South Indian, shy, perfectionist at Maths, thick specs, oiled hair. I could never recollect him speaking to the opposite sex.

But the guy I met at Baltimore - the hair oil had given way to hair gel. The specs were replaced by contact lens. The waitress who attended our table, he found her to be beautiful and he made it a point that she knew his opinion about her. He was getting married in a month to a Punjabi girl he had met whilst pursuing his graduate degree. He is probably married as I type this. The only thing which remained the same was we (also) spoke about Mathematics and Statistics.

No doubt. I was surprised.

I met Nipun during my engineering days. I remember him being someone who could very well end up being in his own world. Slightly long hair, hoarse voice, he loved playing the guitar and composing his own songs. Every year at the college festival, he would walk up on stage with his guitar and sing a song no one had ever heard. Simply coz he wrote the song himself. And irrespective of whether the crowd booed him or cheered him, he would walk off with a simple thank you.

It was the age my parents had strictly warned me about the hazards of alcohol. When they would keep an eye on me to make sure I had not taken up smoking. It was the same age when Nipun would be more than happy to be drunk as and when required. I dont recollect if he burnt tobacco to ash, coz I usually stay away from cigarette smoke, but am sure he did. When I graduated, I expected Nipun to end up as a rock-n-roll kinda guy, having kids he didnt know about.

But then, he scrapped me on Orkut. And I saw his photograph. All dressed up in formals. Hair cut, all short and trim. He works as a Business Analyst in Atlanta. And the biggest shock of all. A book written by Nipun selling on Amazon! Hindu Histories - the Beginnings. If it said - "How to get drunk without a hangover" I would still not have been too surprised (nd expected a best-seller). But Hindu Histories - by Nipun? I have not read the book to comment about it but its definitely on my to-do list now.

Some changes are so unexpected. Its like Paris Hilton becoming a nun!

Some things come across so unexpected. Many people who have got in touch with me over orkut have changed so very much. Most, for the better. It was Anita who sent me a mail to join up on Orkut. And its been worth creating that account. Anita, if you are ever in Baltimore, dinners on me!

Dual Identity

2006-08-20T23:37:00.000-04:00

I had asked Bakshi to take this picture with the sunrise as a backdrop. As a matter of fact, I wanted the sun to be blocked by my face (an Apoorvaclipse if you would like to coin a name for that).

I thought - "It would look like there is light coming out of my head. Something like an enlightened one!"

And the picture came out to be just the way I ordered it.

Now the more I stare at the enlightened one, it looks like I am taking a leak in the Grand Canyon.

Damn my imagination!!!

I Have A Moustache

2006-08-16T22:39:00.000-04:00

I never believed there were too many fanatic Indians in Maryland. I was proved wrong.

I thought Gujjus didnt exist in Maryland. Once again, I was wrong.

When in India, I would never stand in line to book tickets for a movie (Mom, can you get them on your way back from work?, or more recently - dial Adlabs and have them deliver it home). But in USA, where Hindi movie theatres should be running half full (I am an optimist), I stand in line for a good 30 minutes to watch the crap of a sob drama - Kabhi Alvida Naa Kehna. And there were some fanatics who stood for 90 minutes (suckers!).

Yeah, thats the huge line for watching the above mentioned sob queen, as seen from my camera phone. Also, you can bet your life every person you see in the queue is a Gujju. "Shahrukh, lai saras"

Gujju girls also 'saras', till they open their mouth. Next time, I carry noise cancellation headphones.

Watching the movie makes me go insane. It makes me wanna do weird things. It makes me wanna grow a moustache.

Do not watch Kabhi Alvida Na Kehnaa, unless you want to grow a moustache. Frankly, the movie can be described as "awesome body with no soul". Abhishek rocked tho!

Note: The moustache lasted only for a couple of hours. So stop laughing your ass off and get back to doing something productive.

Grand Canyon: The Sunset

2006-07-30T21:27:00.000-04:00

Sunset Time!

Anjali* recently had put up a few (aweosme) pictures of sunset at the 12 apostles. Sunset at the grand canyon I think is America's reply to sunset at the 12 apostles. Of course, you need Pals to make it the perfect sunset ever.

Like I had mentioned earlier, Pals is a Rain-God. Where he goes, rain clouds follow. All day, we had clear sunshine with cloud cover when it got too hot. Perfect. But as we lined up for sunset at Hopi point, dark clouds appeared at the horizon. This would mean the sun getting blocked as it tips over the horizon and we lose the perfect sunset.

The first snap, with the clouds and rain at a distance.

At this point I was beginning to get stressed out about missing a Grand Canyon sunset and about to toss Pals into the Canyon. But it seems the clouds sensed Pals presence and started moving towards us. This created a very unique phenomenon. There were clouds over us, but they had slowly moved off from the horizon. Thus the sun started to reappear again. You can see the rain fall on the left, and sun rays making their way out on the right.

And then, the unique phenomenon I was talking about. The sun rays actually reflected off the inside of the clouds and fell into the canyon, lighting it up like there were a zillion slabs of gold in the canyon. Pure heavenly sight. Cant be described, since no words would do it justice. Can just be felt. It was raining all over us, but the canyon was lighted up.

I didnt need to buy postcards. Who would have ever thought the rain would make the sunset so beautiful!

Grand... Is Not The Word

2006-07-28T01:25:00.000-04:00

7th to 10th July, 2006, the NRI-Nanguys met half-way across the country. In my journey as a kiddo to adulthood, I have made many friends. Some have really stuck with me through thick and thin. Nanguys come into that category.

So here I was, with the NRI branch. Adit, Pals and me. And since you all know, Pals is known as the Rain-God. Where he goes, it rains.

This time was no different. We landed in Las Vegas by 10 PM, hopped into a rather uncomfortable coupe and drove out of Sin-City. After an all night drive, we reached the outskirts of the Canyon by 7 AM. A very spectacular drive from Vegas to Tusayan. Not a soul to be found on the freeway. I mean, not so much as a rest-area for miles. But as we got closer to Tusayan and the sun started to peek out, the sight was breathtaking. Also, a huge Elk greeted us outside our hotel and I knew I was in for a ball of a time.

My first view of the Canyon from Mather Point. This thing is really Grand. You have to be there to see it (or click the photo to enlarge) and feel the 'grandness'

Awesome snap of Bakshi... it almost looks unreal. Like a movie set. I glad he didnt keep walking. Heh!

The Colorado river flowing through the Canyon and me, awaiting the sunrise.

Not to make this a extrahumungouslylong post, I have decided to cut it into three parts. So more coming up soon....

Go On... Stop!

2006-07-13T23:27:00.000-04:00

Yup. Stop.

I am tired of hearing this. The City never stops. The City goes on. The Spirit of The City. Salaam Mumbai.

We dont Stop. And this is what higher administration feeds off.

Bomb Blasts. The next day, the city is back to normal.

Water Flooding. Next day the city is back to normal.

Come what may, the city is always back to normal. And hence, whatever may happen, it just passes by as normal.

Develope a better infrastructure from the taxes we pay, or eat up the money. The city will always function as normal.

Develope better Emergency Medical Services and Crime Response Teams from the taxes we pay, or eat up the money. The city will always function as normal.

Its become normal to function as normal.

Hence, Stop. For a city which lost 200 lives in a matter of few minutes, how can you go back to normal? Look at the families of those 200 dead. You think they are back to normal?

Nothings going to change if things go back to normal.

IndyGo

2006-07-12T23:15:00.000-04:00

Long post with one too many snaps ahead. Author takes no resposibility of readers who fall off to sleep on the keyboard.

Ah! What a killer the first weekend of July was. Probably one of the best weekends I might have spent ever since I moved to US of A. It was in my to-do list for many a year. Now I can finally check it off and move it into my to-do-once-a-year list. The following is my formulalog and tips for others who might want to travel to the "racing capital of the world" in the future, split mostly into pictures and videos.

For those who are still guessing what this is, its my experience of the USGP (or more widely known as Formula 1 Racing at Indianapolis to the rest of the world).

The shops, lined up outside the speedway. Very colorful. And some vintage cars (aint they grand? - I'd love driving around in one of those!)

And my dream machine. The McLaren MP4-21. The brief contact I had with it.... Heavenly!

Flavio BriatoreWiki. He did act a little pricey and refused to sign any autographs. Well, after taking Renault from 'zero to hero', I guess you can act pricey. And a little spice with the F-1 babes! Followed by cars in the Hall of Fame museum and me by The Pagoda.

The electric atmosphere in the stadium; me with the Red Bull Racing; another shot of me overlooking the circuit, dressed in my McLaren-Kimi gear and a Ferrari on the road (not all the action was restricted to the tracks)

And from the photos, you might have figured I am a big McLaren & Kimi fan. And I take special pleasure in boo-ing Ferrari fans... but I was so outnumbered that my only hope was McLaren pulling past the Ferrari's. But that was not to be. As the following pictures might depict.

The cars moving into turn 1.

Kimi and Montoya (both drivers for McLaren) decided to take the outer line. Before the race started I had joked how Massa was capable of taking off Schumacher on Turn 1 and having both the Ferrari's retire.

And as fate would have it, there was a huge pile up at Turn 1. Which sent Nick Heidfield into a tumble.

And Montoya did what Massa should have. Yup, took out his team-mate. Off goes Kimi and Montoya, ending up facing each other. 10 seconds into the race and the team/driver I support were out of contention.

I wont speak much about the race. I spent the most of it with Finnish ladies consoling them on Kimi's early retirement. But Ferrari took a 1-2. And all the folks in Red went berserk.

The McLaren MP4-21 which did not get to rise to its potential on 2nd July.... up close, as close as it gets, on Video!

McLaren Mercedes MP4-21 on Vimeo

On the whole, it was an awesome experience. Getting seats at the first turn, to watch Kimi and Montoya with others crash in front of my eyes, to get a decent view of the pits as the cars came out, I'm ready for 2007 already.

Ok, and here are tips for hard-core fans. Others, dont blame me if you go "Huh? Why do I care?"

1. If you have time at hand, I would personally suggest you fly/drive into Indy a week before the USGP. Simply coz one week before the GP, you can actually drive your car around the circuit and have some photographs clicked with the F-1 babes.

2. You really cant do much in Indianapolis for a week, but Chicago is not too far, and spending a few days there would be a good way to kill time and explore another city. But getting back to Indianapolis by Thursday is a must if you want to catch the practice, pit lane walk-about and Qualifying on Saturday.

3. The track is dead close to the airport. About a 10-15 minute drive. Advisable to rent a car. Cheap stay is available in Plainfield, which is about 10-15 miles from the airport and track. About a 20 minute drive. Its possible to land on raceday, take a shuttle from the airport to the track and back if you dont wanna spend time around the city or rent a car.

4. If you want to rub shoulders with the F1 stars, put up in downtown. The entire Bridestone team seemed to have put up at the Hilton while celebs such as Flavio Briatore were at Conrads. Of course this comes with a price tag of $200 a nite.

5. After the Saturday qualifyings, head to downtown to monument circle Wiki. Parking is free on weekends. This place is all decked up with vintage cars and displays from current models. If you are lucky, there might be a few F1's on display. I happened to come across the Red Bull Racing machine. Also, parked outside Conrads was the McLaren MP4-21. There are plenty of places to eat around here so that is not a problem. If you want to get a view of all the action happening outside conrads, you could either hang out at Rock Bottom or Champps which happens to be opposite to Conrads.

6. I would advise you to be at the racetrack early on raceday. Between 9-10 sounds like a decent time (tho I was there by 8:30). The advantage of that being you can walk around the entire brickyard, visit the Hall of Fame Museum and understand the entire layout (I am assuming you are a F1 fan when I say all this). Also, the first 'N' cars get free parking inside the speedway, after which you need a parking permit. There are many other lots outside the speedway. Some are free and some charge you $20 (loot you would be the right word). If you plan to rent a RV, there are camping places for you.

7. You will find roadside shops outside the speedway. I would suggest to take a walk around and absorb the liveliness. Good place to pick up some souvenirs. A basic Ferrari T-Shirt will cost you $30/- and can stretch to $145/- I didnt see much of McLaren gear. Ferrari, Renault, BMW and Scott Speed was all around.

8. If you have a 3 day pass, you can get in and out of the speedway multiple times. If you have a raceday pass, once you are in, you are in for good. The Hall Of Fame museum costs $3/- for entry. Dont expect any F1 cars there. Personally I could pass this one. But since you are there, might as well see it. Doesnt take more than 20 minutes to take a walk around. The pass is valid all day, and altho they dont mention this, it can be transferred.

9. You will find plenty of beer, hot dogs and lemonade stands all over the speedway. Keep yourself well hydrated. The prices are not a killer. Hot dogs for $3, a bottle of coke for $3. On the expensive side, but not a killer.

10. Before the USGP starts, they have a few other races happening. It might interest you, and if it does be at your stand by 10 AM or so. Free face painting is available. But make sure you are at your seat by 1130. Thats when the drivers parade starts, followed by the warm-up at 12:15 (dont miss the warm up, its a pleasant surprise to suddenly see the cars zipping out of the pits).

11. Seating. I personally prefer the first corner seats, which is Stands H and J. Try to get seats which are section 20 or beyond on Stand H. Or seats which are Section 10 or less on J. This puts you right on the first corner where all the action happens. I was in section 1 of Stand H, which gave me a decent view of turn 1 and also of the pit lane exit. The problem with these stands is they have no overhead cover, while the paddock, Stand C etc have ample of overhead cover which blocks the sun. From the Paddocks, you get a view of the start and pits, but you miss out on corner 1. Some of us might feel comfortale having ear-plugs. Dont get a seat too close to the track (since its at the bottom). Being at a reasonable height gives you a good view. I would suggest between rows L and V to be a good spot.

12. Traffic can be a little backed up after the GP. Hence if you plan to fly out the same day, give yourself at least 4 hours between the end of the GP to your flight time.

And a snap of me as I said (a little sad) bye-bye to the Speedway!

Demi Goes Chinese

2006-07-04T13:02:00.000-04:00

Few months off blogging and some people change. In an extreme way!

Our good old Demi Godezz goes Chinese

Good lesson. Delete your posts if you must. But keep the URL active. I think once a blog is deleted, blogger should not allow the URL to be taken up for 3-6 months. I could have taken up that URL, posed as Demi and posted something nastea and vindictive. Why didnt I? Damn!

Its been a while since I updated. Thats obviously coz I have been busy doing something I love.

Here is a hint

All about that, coming up in the next 48 hours.

A Click In Time...

2006-06-20T00:34:00.000-04:00

.....would not result in this post.

Time: Roughly a year ago.
Occasion: Abhi visits USA.

Characters:

Tourist: Abhi
Guide: Me
Stooges: Sharma (Amit) & Pals.

The plan was to give Abbs the touristy outlook of NYC. And have Pals and Sharma repeatedly say whatever I am doing sucks! After hours of walking around we reach Times Square in the early hours of the evening. And at first Abhi gets all hyper and like a true blood tourist clicks anything which blinks. But after a while we are all bored. Which is when our eyes fall on this fantabulously beautiful girl. The dreamy kinda female. The one you could wrap up and keep with you forever. So the evil minds with nothing to do, Abhi and me decide we need to photograph Gods work of art.

Attempt No. 1

All I got was Abhi. The girl (yes, the beautiful blonde damsel in blue - hidden the bottom left corner) turned around at the right time!!

Me: "Damn! I need to get a better shot man"
Abhi: "No no, dont make it so obvious. Lets act like tourists. Here, gimme the camera and let me click the NASDAQ sign."

Touristy Snap No. 1

I dont need to descibe this snap, do I?

Attempt No. 2

This was the best snap. Till her brother decides to get in the way. Oh well, Abhi says it was her boyfriend. I like to believe it was her brother. I didnt see him stick his tongue down her throat. So its her brother! FullStop.

Since Abhi wanted to make this look as original as possible in case the NYPD decide to nab us and flip through his digital camera, we had to take....

Touristy Snap No. 2

Its Pals, making a demons face. Sharma, making a normal face. Me, thinking I have it all figured out on how to get her snap. And the NYPD car, which almost got Abbs running for cover. And, the NASDAQ sign.

And then came the last and final....

Attempt No. 3

This one was a smart move. I waited. Waited long. And then finally came the moment when the Goddess of Beauty posed for a snap for someone else. Seizing this opportunity, I took one myself (and almost got caught).

Only, the snap came out to be shaky/hazy. And she didnt end up looking the Goddess she was. Sigh!

Anyone wanna pose for my 2007 calendar?

How The Net Won Me Over (Again)

2006-06-14T00:29:00.000-04:00

I had once pledged of staying away from the net. And was very successful at it. And as time went by, the late nights were gone. No more sitting in a leather chair staring at pixels all over the screen. It was to bed by 9 PM, up by 0430 hrs. Hit the gym, work, head back home, catch up on some reading, cooking and lights off.

Brilliant! The halo around my head was back.

Till disaster struck.

I decided to take my outdoor-si-ness and fat burning measures to a different level and decided to wash my car, inside out in the summer heat. That too without a cap. For a good 3 hours. After which for a whole week I ended up with a high body temperature (ok, I am hot, but this was different) and a splitting headache which wouldnt stop. So much that I had to take a few days off work and stay home. No TV, no internet. I was driven crazy by the end of this week.

Then today as I was home, someone knocks on my door. Its the cable guy.

He: "Are you Mr. Trinidad?"
Me: "Nope. But I think he lived here before me."
He: "Oh, so he left and didnt disconnect his cable. You have been enjoying free cable and internet for 4 months?"
Me: "Huh... you mean all this time, I had cable, no wait, FREE cable, and I didnt use it?"
He: "Well, I am here to disconnect it. But before I do, I wanna ask you if you want the connection since its already there...."

So now I am back on the WWW. There are some signs which I shouldn't ignore. Falling ill, cable guy showing up without me asking him.... God wants me to have access to the web! And He wants you guys to suffer reading my blog.

Nasty, Evil, Vindictive Apoorva

2006-06-06T18:10:00.000-04:00

This chap I know. Irritating to the core. And the worst part, he wont know he is being irritating. To sum it up, he has got the perfect 'country bumpkin' brain and tries to show he is some 'big city' guy. In the end he looks like a Maserati running on a Kinetic Honda engine. He'll go on and on over lunch about how some nuclear explosion can create enegry to propel you to the moon in a nanosecond to how the earthquake in Japan caused no damage due to the unique structural design of their apartments. The catch here is, you just saw an episode last nite on Discovery, higlighting the same incidents. The worst part, you saw the episode with him! And dont ever think of making a logical argument with him. The conclusions he draws are on such a tangent that you forget the very purpose of the conversation. I mean, stuff like, "If Google can claim a 10% stake in AOL, Microsoft can buy out Google" makes you wonder how you can make this man listen to reason! But to everything, there is always a saving grace (if I may but call it that). His Girlfriend. She'll dominate him like Hitler. basically, shut up his ever blabbering mouth. "Pick me at 7", "Drop me at 8", "Lift my handbag", "No, you cant go for this movie without me", "No clubbing, take me to TGIF!" "You should open the car door for a lady". The list could go on. And the poor soul (I cant believe I called him that!!) complies. He will drive one hour to pick her up and drop her someplace which she can walk in 10 minutes. Slavery. Thats how I define it! I am ready to bet my lifetimes savings that if she asks him to wear a bow-tie on his private parts and walk around in public, he'll do it. He redefines the term, "Love is Blind". But have a one on one with him, and he is frustratingly irritating. So much that if its my last and only wish, I'll make him realize how irritating he can be and then kill him! No, torture him to death. Anyways, the story takes an important twist, coz his girlfriend is ready to marry him. I controlled my laughter at the thought of the guy on all fours, tongue out, on a leash, walking in the mall, controlled by his girlfriend. But one day he walked up to me and asked, "Should I marry her?"
I thought for a moment about the all fours-tongue out-leash-mall sight. I felt bad and thought I should make him see some reason. Then I saw his face. That irritating face. I thought about the earthquake resistant houses in Japan. About the nuclear explosion sending one to the moon. And I said, "Of course man, she is the best thing that could happen to you. You'll make a great pair. Dont let go of this opportunity."

So they are getting married.

When I was a kid (talk about being 7 years old), we had a weird kinda 'war' going on in Nandanvan. Ok, we had many weird things going on there, but this was the extreme. We had groups. Three groups to be precise. Call them Group X, Group Y and Group 'Umm'. Group Umm, coz there was only one person in this group, who we nicknamed Umm. These 3 groups lived together in harmony. Harmony when we were face to face. But deep down we indulged in Guerilla warcraft. You hide, and you swing mud bombs at each other. After a while it got a little cumbersome to make mud bombs and toss them on the go. So, each group met in secrecy, and made mud bombs which they hid at different locations. When you spot someone from the opposite group, you run to the closest mud bomb location and hide, waiting for him/her to turn up. And then - bombard! The funny part was, I belonged to Group X, and knew where they hid all their artillery. I also belonged to Group Y, and knew where they hid their mud bombs. After a while I also knew where Group 'Umm' hid his mud balls (no pun here). One fine day, I gathered every groups mud bombs, put them in a plastic bag and hid them in my balcony. Then I stood in my balcony and watched the confusion unfurl. And smiled.

"A hot Music Channel VJ (I wont disclose the name but she danced with Shahrukh Khan on top of a train) is coming to Shoppers Stop and You have won a chance to go shopping with her. For an hour, you shop. You shop till you drop. And she pays. Get this voucher, dress up in formals and stand outside XXX Mall when she arrives at 5 PM."
Thats what the letter read. Thats what the letter Abhi, Bakshi and myself drafted, read! Yes, Abhi and Bakshi are evil too, but that could be a topic of discussion for another post. For now, a good friend of ours, got this voucher, all printed with with a bar code and all, on glossy paper (Thanks Abhi and his ex-workplaces laser printer). The poor guy, skipped his tuitions and dressed up in a tie and stood outside XXX Mall with his entire family. Us, strategically placed, clicked photos.
And he stands there for a good hour, and returns home. Says he will contact mid-day and tell them about the scam. And we tell him..... "I think this was MTV Bakraa." So for the next 8 weeks, he does not miss a day of MTV Bakraa.
Proud to be a part of a group which plotted this.
Wanna make matters worse? I dont think he knows we were behind this. Yet.

When we play EA Sports Formula 1 online, the glitch in the multiplayer game is when a new users logs in, the screen freezes up for a few seconds. So if you are driving and a new user logs in, your screen just freezes but in the back end, your car is still moving. So after a few seconds you find yourself pretty much off track. Now Abhi, Tak and myself play (used to) this online few times. And when Tak used to be on his qualifying lap, I used to log out of the game and log back in. What did this do? It freezes up Taks screen and after a while he finds his car like a cow on grass. Abhi meantime will sit next to me and laugh, call me "Hulkaat" but not stop me! Yeah, he is evil too. But like I said before, that could be an entire post. Tak meantime will message us saying, "Damn, I think my PC is too slow!"

Once, while in school, during summer break, I created an ID of a girl with a really hot name and mailed on my university yahoogroups asking for "new admission, lodging required". I must have got some 100 personal replies (99% guys) saying they were ready to help in 'whatever' way possible. Some, even went into great detail (of stuff which only their mirror would know). As a matter of fact one of my roomies kept going, "She seems to be hot! She seems to be hot!" untill I told her it was me. Yeah, I got beaten up. But everytime some guy who had replied to her in a seductive manner walked around campus acting like a saint, it made me roll over!

The same person in Case I above has a unique knack of selectively replacing 'E's with 'A's. What do I mean by that?
Method = Mathod
Menagerie = Managarie
Viginity = Virganity (you will crack up when you hear him say this!)
So one fine day I hear his voicemail, which goes like - "Hi. This is X. I cannot take your call but if you leave your name and number I will get back to you". I convince him that this is too long a message. The message should be short, to save money. you know, the people who might call him from international locations?
So soon, we have a new voicemail.
"Hi this is X. Please leave a massage."

During my masters, I insisted on having insaurance. Some of my friends felt they were fine without it. So one day I mention to one of them. "Dude, you should have insaurance. You never know what might happen tomorrow"
Come tomorrow, 'dude' is in an ambulance on way to the hospital, undergoing various tests working up a bill of a few thousand. In the end, the conclusion was, he is passing stone, so nothing to worry about. Except the bills!

Sometimes, I am unaware of my powers.

Madame Desi was one day eating my brains over a non-issue. And then I said to her, "Shhhh... or they'll transfer you to Texas!" After a week, she was asked to leave. I swear on the Lord I had no hand in this. But I think its just the evil me!

Evil? Check.

Nasty? Check.

Vindictive? Check.

Special thanks to this one girl in Syracuse (name witheld) who made me realize these traits. When asked, "What do you think of Apoorva?", to quote her, "Oh, he is so Naystea and Vindictive!"

Joshienizer - Hermitized

2006-05-01T00:01:00.000-04:00

Have you ever wondered what would happen if there was no Television? No computers? No alcohol? No Internet? (not necessarily in that order). Something to the tune of being cut off from the world?

I think todays society is dependent on many things. Some necessary. Some, not so necessary. Its fine to indulge in both, but the ones which are 'not so necessary' take over a big chunk of your life and by the time you realize that, its too late. Like lately I realized I have become nothing more than a chair-potato (if something like that exists). I sit at work on a comfortable leather chair, and am brooding over a computer screen for 8 hours. I drive back home to find myself sitting on a leather chair, brooding over my laptop. I sleep, I wake up and the cycle continues.

The 8 hours at office is necessary. The other time, its an addiction. And now I feel I am getting dependent on the world wide web. If I want to know how much is 46373137/73, I wont attempt to do it mentally or use a calculator. I will goto Google and type the same. Not a bad thing to do, but its aggravated by the fact that I then surf random sites for hours and end up forgetting why I was there in the first place.

Be it software, or life. I hate dependencies. Specially the ones which are not a must. And I so realize I am getting dependent to the net. So starting tonite, I say bye-bye to the internet. Weird as it may sound, but my connection snaps off. And I pledge not to bite onto my neighbours wireless signal. Its going to be an experiment for a month. No Internet at home. And this in turn means, no blogging (many of you might be aware I dont blog at work - If you didnt, now you do). And why am I typing this all up? (I am sure Bird was dying to ask this question). Simply saving you the trouble of typing up this link in your browser and being greeted by the same page everyday (I know you guys love me and check this blog some 17 times a day!).

Kallu was over for the day and I happened to mention to him about my plans of disconnecting with my daily dose of bandwidth. "You gave up television, then you gave up alcohol and now the net. You wanna become a hermit eh? One day you'll tell me I am giving up wearing clothes for one month!" Heh!

So dont be surprised not to see a post here for a while. Dont be surprised if you dont find me lurking around your blog. ~~Dont be surprised if you cant comment on this post.~~ And dont be surprised if I take up pen, paper and write you a snail mail. And just to prove I am not going crazy, I shall continue wearing clothes!

Embarassments, Dallas and No Lady Luck

2006-04-26T11:50:00.000-04:00

** Dallas for one, is a cool city. Specially when you view it from far off. The downtown looks inviting. When you get there, you realize there aint much more than a couple of museums and eateries. Last weekend I was up in Dallas till about 48 hours ago, presenting at a conference, wearing my cowboy hat n boots and going "Hee-Haw".

** Its particularly nice when your company decides to fly you first class. Its nice to also realize your boss's boss is flying the same flight to the conference. So as you chat with him in the wait area, and When they ask all first class passengers to board and he does not move, its NOT very nice.

** Its even worse when you are seated in your seat and he walks past you, smiles and carries on to economy. Gets worse when he tells the entire crowd at the hotel and they make you pay for drinks (I know, its no reason to pay for drinks, but you just cant say - NO. Its a different thing you can bill it to the corporate account!! Heh!)

** Its nice that they fly you to Dallas, put you up in a cool hotel room in one of the 'happening' localities. Its NOT NICE that you have no time to visit places like the Galleria mall and are all tied up with work. I have said this before. Hold conferences in weird places like Idaho or Oklahoma, where you have nothing to do and dont feel bad about not being able to get out. Or rather, dont feel bad others got out and you are wrestling with powerpoint.

** The Hilton tho' had this bar called 'The Cricketers'. And it actually happened to be based upon the sport which originates from the motherland (England!!). Altho I still had to draw comparisions with baseball to make it easier to understand for the crowd around me. "Yes, you can actually hit the ball with your bat and not run!! And you can hit a home run and still stay on field."

** Sometimes I feel I am just not meant for hot chicks. I am meant for Fat men (no, dont get me in the wrong way). But when the entire flight has 2 seats vacant, one besides you and one in front of you, and the two people entering are 'hot chick' and 'fat man', the 'fat man' has to get the seat next to me. Come on, the law of averages has to catch up. Someday!!

** Did manage to meet up with two of my close buds from Syracuse, Mandar & Minu, who have bought an awesome house and who fed me some awesome home-made desi food (read, Ghee with Pooranpoli, Kolhapuri chicken and the works!). God bless em!

Thats a weekend, well spent!

Homecoming

2006-04-23T03:13:00.000-04:00

Why have I not been posting?
Well, it took me a lot of time, bargaining (and money) to finally get clearance to post what I have to, from Abhi

Anyways, heres hoping the wait was worth it.

Shopping for India - $1000
Cab to Newark Airport - $35
An Air India Ticket - $1350

"Beta, you are 26. You are not growing any younger. (long pause) And you are not married. Oh, and you are losing hair."
To hear your Mom say that as you come out of the airport - PRICELESS!

Frankly, I could sum up my India trip in three words. "Sleep and Eat". But that would actually beat my 55 words post. And how can I spare you guys the agony of reading it? So let me talk a little about the fun I managed to squeeze in between the sleep and eat.

What did I notice about Mumbai? The city seems to be building upon itself rather than expanding. I think this is how they develope the city. Two guys with a lot of money walk down a crowded street. One of them says, "Oh, lot of crowd. Good business. Lets build a mall in the middle of the road." Then the govt. says, "Oh mall, how nice. My wife can go shop there. But please dont build it in the middle of the road. Here, demolish so and so building and build a mall." And so, we have a mall and more traffic jams and a rather unplanned city. But, I love Mumbai.

My very first morning in Mumbai, and my very first religious experience, when my neighbours door opens and out walks Satya Sai baba.... or well, at least someone who resembles the same. The man started talking about getting spiritual right from the word go.... and when I realized that Spiritual equates to indulging in Spirits (alcohol), I knew its good old Abhi!

Meeting Iyer

Now, meeting Iyer, was gonna be fun. I mean, from the blog he writes, the comments he makes, the songs he remixes, I was wondering if I would even get a chance to speak a word. So Abhi drags me into this room, which has a small little fella with a 3 week unshaven look, playing (of all the games) Serious Sam.

Me: Ah-ha, finally, Iyerospace.
He: Hey.
Me: Whats up man?!
He: Nothing. U?
Me: Uhhh... not much.

- silence -

Me: What u playing?
He: Serious Sam.

Me: (thinking) I communicate with this guy more through my blog and comments, than in person.

People, Iyer is not the funny guy he potrays himself to be.... he is fooling us all. No, on a serious note, we did hit it off (only he had to get drunk for it).

Meeting Ideasmith

She: You are neither as good as you look, nor as funny as you seem on your blog.
Me: OK. Where is your tattoo?
She: Can you show me how to use my phone's camera?
Me: OK. Can I click ya tattoo?
She: I am not a feminist.
Me: Can I pay for the coffee?
She: Sure.

And yes, Satya Sai Baba look-alike sure rocks when he gets drunk.

More to follow.... (just dont know when)

Daylight Savings. Axe Effect.

2006-04-09T04:18:00.000-04:00

Sunday night, the clock moves ahead by an hour. Which means, more daylight. Yes, when I get off work, I dont drive around in darkness, but drive around in sun light. I dont need to switch my headlights on. I like it. But this also means, my body clock, which is programmed to be up by 8, now has to be up by 7 (well, its 8, but remember, everythings gone ahead by an hour). And so as things shoud be, I dont get up by 8, but by 9, and I dont reach work by 9, but by 10. And my boss gives me a you ought to be fired look.

Why, cant we have things the way I see them to be.

Last week of October, when we turn our clocks back by an hour at some odd hour on Sunday - why not turn our clocks back by 25 hours at the same odd hour on a Sunday? So what does this mean? We get an extra day off. 2 Saturdays in a row. And the body gets an extra day to adjust to an effective one hour shift back in time (apart from the fact that everyone gets another Saturday night to get drunk).

Now you all are asking me, "How the hell do you account for this extra day Apoorva? How? Will a year have 366 days now?"

No. Peace. Behold.

Come first week of April, instead of turning your clocks ahead by an hour, you turn them ahead by 25 hours. But, this you do on a Thursday nite. So you see whats happening? You entirely skip your Friday at work and end up on Friday night. So you party Friday night and Saturday night and get used to the one hour shift in time.

Viola. Aint I brilliant?

Axe - Recovery. Yes, this very shower gel. Dont try it, unless you like electral. Yup. Remember Electral? That powdered packet we used to get in our childhood, which you mix with water and drink (was it usually after u have gone about puking all over the place?) Axe recovery smells just like Electral. And I made the mistake of buying it (without testing it), so everyday I head to office smelling of Electral.

Anyways, to negate this smell, I use Axe - Unlimited deo. (Tried and tested - and approved). And now I know how Axe makes all its money!!

And those who havent figured it out, daylight saving and the axe effect are not linked.

Apoo Does A Naked Chef

2006-03-29T02:35:00.000-05:00

FYI: The title maybe a little misleading. There is no nudity involved.

Mom: "And for dinner, you want....?"
Me: "Pani-Puri"

2 hours later, Dad returns from grocery shopping. Yes, my family is ice-age. Women sit at home while the menfolk go out hunting for food.

Me: "Only one packet? Thats like 50 puri's"
Mom: "So, how many do you want?"
Me: "I'll eat that myself" (leaves home in hunt of more puri's)

Mom: (Looking towards Dad) "Is he serious about having this for dinner?"
Dad: "What say we add a high dose of Black Label to the 'pani' [water]? It might knock him off after 20."
Mom: "And U'll have 50 then!!"

I dont know if they added Scotch to the pani, or they added something else, but it sure made me star in the this family video.

Presenting: How to Make Pani-Puri in under 1 minute.

View this clip on Vimeo

Comments from a friend after viewing this video:
"You look like an escaped convict devoid of pani-puri for a lifetime"

The Joshi family has a tradition of "What the child does, the father has to do better" (I so cant wait to kick my kids ass!!)

Presenting: How to react after eating pani-puri

View this clip on Vimeo

Note: Anyone who calls me over for lunch/dinner/breakfast/tea, make sure you have Pani-puri (or gol-guppas or puchkas, or whatever u call it). I love em!!

Bird had a very entrepreneurial idea of selling Tequila shots off a hand cart outside railway stations. Bird, I say you also try pani-puri with Black Label as the water. Or Tequila shots in puri's - 'Tequila Puri'.

"My Life"

2006-03-21T19:08:00.000-05:00

You get up, all grumpy. Like a computer, you execute your commands. Brush, breakfast, leave for work, the same road, the same potholes, the same work, the same people. Leave for home, the same roads, the same potholes, the same chinese lady behind the food counter.... you get the drift.

Till suddenly, one fine day, like today, you get to work, check mail and find a mail from your best buddy. Yeah, out of the blue, a mail from Nishchal with the subject line, "My Life". Now usually if I get a mail from him (which is once in a blue moon - so much for being best pals!!), it'll have the subject line, "Hi" or "Songs". The body of the mail, tho, will be the same. Something like, "I have 5 women in my life. I dont know who to go steady with, so I am giving them all a chance. But its been five months now and they had enough of a chance, so I'm thinking of dumping them all. By the way, do you have this song - "Fixing a Broken Heart". If you do, please send it over. My Mom says Hi and Dad says you should get married. Oh, hope you are doing fine."

So, today when I found a mail from him, with the subject line, saying, "My Life", I was amused. Nevertheless, here is the copy-paste of the email body:

(quote)

Hey Apoo,
As my luck would have it! About a year back , my dad's school friend had called up asking him if it was possible for his daughter to stay at our place. She was coming down for some fashion show. However my dad had to turn it down , cos my parents were going to Nasik that week and I was busy too.

Guess who that girl has turned out to be ??? The new Femina Miss India , Neha Kapoor. :((

Amen !
Nishchal.

(unquote)

I have digested this news in the most calm and mature manner possible. Why you ask? Simply coz I trust Nishchal. To goof up. Now, had she stayed over at his place, the guy would surely have done something to turn her off and I, like a good friend, would be standing right there to catch her off the first bounce. Now the fact that this did not happen (thanks to someone being busy), means I have lost my chance of being Mr. India (no, not the invisible man - I am in no mood for PJ's at this time).

Ok, Nishchal, I know you dont read my blog (coz you are busy!!) but I have a question for ya!

- When someone asks if their daughter who is a model could stay over at your place and your parents are going to Nashik, why the hell would you say you were busy? -

Model.
Fashion show.
Daughter.
Parents not home.
So you and her alone.

And you are busy??

And models have friends in the modelling industry. Who have a high probability of being hot. So if you dont like her, she opens the doors to greener fields. Say this mantra everyday!

In the future if your Dad has any other school friends, whose daughter(s) are potential Miss India's, I AM NEVER BUSY!

And as I take ya leave, I shall leave you with a portrait of what you missed out on.

Note: One good part of my India trip was I got Nishchal to blog. Unfortunately the only thing he writes about is his school life (read: MBA), and clicks photos of him and all the women he proposed to in between lectures. Nevertheless, I'll do him a favour by linking to him. :P

On a serious note, I feel your pain bro. I am always with ya.... guiding you to another Neha Kapur (so I could catch her off the first bounce!!)

P.S: Could you ask your Dad to call up Mr. Kapur and let him know you guys are back from Nashik and Neha could come and stay over anytime?

Love & Hate Collide

2006-03-14T22:55:00.000-05:00

Love them or hate them;
They can cause the same disturbance in your life

They say the CLOSEST emotion to love;
Is that of Hate

Both, have a stark resemblance.

So when you said you couldnt love me;
You cant blame me for making you hate me

At least I have the satisfaction;
I got the CLOSEST I could.

"The easiest kind of relationship for me is with ten thousand people. The hardest is with one."
- Joan Baez

Presenting That Special Someone....

2006-03-09T21:35:00.000-05:00

I had promised that post on someone special. Here goes:

Note: Excuse the length of this post.

Q) Your first memory?
From what I remember, entering into the Joshi family when I was about 10 days old (and Mom saying I am smarter than Apoorva - which frankly is not saying much). I used to get big time pampered when I was spoon fed by Mom. Only the food was yuck. Some weird mix of crushed 'chana' and water. Lady, just bring on the Bacardi n Chilis!!

Q) Your biggest trauma?
Oh, dont ask, everyone was under the false impression I was male. Its even better than the Michael Jackson saga. Yeah, us Joshis are funny. I thought if I get friendly with the mankind and attack the womankind, they would guess I am female. So I ended up being best buddies with Apoorva and bit Mom all the time. But still, they named me Sunny, not Shonali. It took them two years to figure out I am female. Sheesh! Look! No pee-pee! Its that simple!

Q) But you still carried on with the name Sunny?
Yes. Many people do that. Heard of Karan Johar, Manish Malhotra? You think they are male?

Q) Whats the corniest thing you have done?
When I was a kid and relatively friendly, Apoorva used to walk up and kiss me a couple of times in the day... and make those disgusting kissing sounds. (No, no, this is just like how a Bro would lovingly kiss his sis, but to imagine Apoorva kissing anyone is disgusting. If his girlfriend/wife ever reads this - dear, I feel your trauma). Being the talking parrot that I am, I learnt those kissing sounds and now repeat them when anyone enters home. Sometimes, some of Apoorvas girlfriends get freaked out when they hear, "Muah baby, Muah Muah. Gimme a kiss baby, Muah! Muaaahhh" and some say "Howww Cutttteeee" and come close enough for me to draw blood. He he he! I am evil.

Madame, one quick photo please. Will you pose?

- Click -

~ Sunny gives his (umm, her) "I am on the bed" seductive pose. ~

Q) The person you admire the most? And why?
Dad. It used to be Apoorva till he broke my heart by leaving for USA and having an affair without my knowledge. Also, as I grew up, I realised its Dad who earns enough to make the bread and butter. Apoorva still borrows money from Dad. And since I know Dad reads this blog, I have to say Dad. Right now, I am in a default mode of bite everyone but Dad. Oh well, after all he is a handsome man! I just cuddle up to him and let him pet me.

View this clip on Vimeo
Dad Petting Sunny

Q) How can one get in your good books?
Well, one thing I love is food. And drinks. Runs in the Joshi family.

Q) And to pamper you one must....
Always add ghee to the dal-rice. Else I will not eat it. Dont give me stale chapatis. The coffee must have sugar. Feed me the coffee, dont just leave it in my tray. Any kind of dry fruits are welcome. Dont make noise when I sleep. And yeah, Champagne is good. But only Apoorva gives me that.... and its supposed to be a secret between him n me. So Shhhh....

Q) The most evil thing you have done?
Oh! How can I name one? Lets see.... bit all of Apoorva's girlfriends. Ok, I am the jealous kinds. The poor guy used to think something is wrong with him. That everytime he got a girl into his room, she dumped him. Little did he know that when he visited the loo, I scared the bitch away. Its simple. Act all cute, and take advantage of the fact I am a talking parrot. Say silly stuff to her like, "Cutie, both of us like chilis, dont we?" (pun intended) and while she goes, "Oh, you naughty, naughty boy" and dreams of raising Apoorvas kids.... bite her fingers and shatter her dreams. He he he! Then lets see.....

- Uh, we dont have that much time so I would move onto the next....

Shut Up, u freaking jackass. I dont need no questions. Now stick your thumb up your mouth and listen to me.

Being a talking parrot, I am aware you guys wanna know what I can say. Here goes:

Apoorva (thats the first word I learnt and for a long time I thought it was my name. I was so happy when I realized its not.)
Apoorva good boy (I can lie sometimes)
Apoorva, wake up! (yeah, the lazy bum)
Mom, stop freaking out! (Apoorva taught me that)
Dad, where is the coffee? (I need my morning dose of coffee)
Uncle, where is Aunty?
Hey Grandmom, good morning!
Ganpatibappa, Moriyaa (I am religious... actually they say that so many times in the festival, I had to pick it up!)
Hello Auntie. (Translates to - do u know any hot parrots?)
Stop shouting! Why the hell are you shouting? (they used to say the same to me.... I just picked it up and now say it back to them)
Gimme a kiss (followed by kissing noises)
What happened? Why are you shouting?
Sunny is the sweetest (I am a Narcissist - gives Madame Mahima a stare)
Mithoo Mithoo Popat.

Other random things that I do:
If you cough, I will imitate your coughing.
If you sneeze, I will imitate your sneezing.
If you laugh, I will imitate your laughter.
If you come too close, I will poop on you.
If you come even closer, I will bite you.
I can turn my head by almost 360 degrees.

I cant fly for nuts. Its like one of those cartoons. I can take off, but dont know when to stop. so I go straight into a wall and fall down. Thats my style for landing.

Once a dog chased me. I made so much noise that he got scared and ran away.

Once Bird mentioned I could be mascot for Nanguys (since I am a noise producing machine). I would gladly take on that honor for a lifetime supply of chillis. (And the Nanguys should stop harassing Bird, I think he is nice feathered friend - Bird, next time they harass you, poop on them or bite em fella!)

Many a time I have substituted for Apoo's alarm clock. Only, I dont come with a snooze button!

And thats enough, now I return to the cage for my night nap. I will be back in the morning if you guys have any questions in the form of comments. I shall answer them honestly but please dont ask stuff like if I have ever seen Apoo naked!

View this clip on Vimeo

*** Comments from the Author ***

Since 1988 this chap is been around like a bro (or sis, or wateva). Every engineering exam when I am burning the midnight oil, this feathered pal is around, looking at me, wondering why I am going insane. His look almost says, "Leave the books alone and come pet me!" After a while he got fed up of my late nights and started squawking away at 1 AM if I dont shut off the lights.

An interesting incident of note was when we kept his favorite food in one corner, and I held my finger out (in the bite my finger stance) in the other corner. Sunny looked at both corners a few times, gave a confused look. Thought for a while and then charged towards me to draw blood! With him around, I dont miss having a younger sister!

Once he ran under the cupboard and came out engulfed in dirt, looking all confused. The maid was horrified that her dust hiding spot had been revealed. We had a new maid very soon, an once again Mom said, "Sunny has more brains than Apoorva"

Sunny turns 18 today (10th March). Apart from looking for corrupt RTO officials who can give him a license to chauffeur my Dad around (I think he could drive a car), we are looking for a suitable match. So if you know any eligible parrots, with loads of chillis and gauvas in dowry, direct them Sunny's way. If you know any eligible females, direct them the authors way.

Tears

2006-03-05T23:16:00.000-05:00

In bed, cuddled up, crying silently,
Just coz the one you love left you?

Thoughts from the past, like a blizzard,
storming your brain, your eyes, tearing,
Just coz it didnt work out?

Love, over used, over abused,
till you finally have to let go,
and take solace in those tears?

Cry if you must, but let your tears cleanse those emotions,
Its not worth it.
Take life with a pinch of salt.
Have you ever tasted your tears?
Even they are salty!

Persist In Insanity

2006-03-04T02:05:00.000-05:00

"Persist in insanity long enough and it becomes normal...."

From one of Michael Hunter's blog post.

Altho his blog might not be of great interest to most of you, unless you are into software testing (or development, come on, admit it, you guys fear us testers, but love to read what we write!!), but some of his thoughts are.

Got me wondering how many times have I dwelled in insanity and come out of it feeling things are normal. Once again, it underlines what I have believed in. Take your fears head on. Thats the only way you might overcome them. Believe in your dreams, however insane they may seem. Dwell in them, live them, day n night Only then will you achieve them.

On a slightly different note, if you guys are tired of tracking your comments - welcome Cocomment. Never used it, but seems to have a good feedback.

Its been a lazy week and seems to be a lazy weekend ahead. I am somehow bored of the cold and need some good Spring weather...... soon. Come on, its March. Time to move from the Jack Daniels and Hennesseys to more colorful stuff. Last year a friend of mine did a trip to Manasarover. I think the pictures are a beauty (tho the site takes ages to open up - if you are on dial up, I wouldnt recommend this to you at all). Here is the link.

And till then, the next time someone says you are insane.... you know what to do!

Time To Shop For Clothes?

2006-02-26T22:00:00.000-05:00

Over the weekend I happened to bump into a High School friend of mine. We had not seen each other for years and it was good fun catching up. Over the course of our conversation, she mentioned on how I hardly seem to have changed (apart from the lack of hair). At one stage she went down to the level of saying that my dressing sense was just the same as it was since she first knew me.

"Here, this shirt. Look at this shirt. I can so tell you would buy this shirt. The shirt you are wearing. I remember seeing you in a similiar shirt the first time I met you. I remember seeing you in a similiar shirt everytime I have seen you."

I, was just silent.

Then she looks at me with the "Something is wrong. Whats he hiding from me?" expression.

"No. Cant be. YOU NEED TO GO SHOPPING!! Isn't this the same shirt you have had since 11th grade?"

Guilty.

So I went home, shuffled through my clothing wear and finally came to the conlusion. I need to overcome my fear of the mall and go shopping!

Proof of the same.

Above snap happens to be taken during my 10th grade (1994-95). I am the one on the extreme left, followed by Ganguly (who looks like he flunked a couple of years) and Athan.

Now comes the shocker. The snap below, July 3rd, 2004, taken at Baltimore Inner Harbour. Top to bottom - Me, Bakshi and Pals

Notice the shirt I am wearing in both the snaps. I think someone gifted me that shirt in 1992-93.

Yes. Guilty.

In the end, what does this prove?

Since 1992, I have not put on any weight!!!! Screw you all who say I have grown fatter!

Today, I am a Happy Man. Einstein would have been proud!

How To Get Fired

2006-02-20T23:02:00.000-05:00

#356237

Like once in a blue moon, after a comeplete organization restructuring, some hot shot hob-nob guy will walk up, pull up a power point chart with millions of round circles, with each circle having a name in them and arrows moving towards or away from that circle to other circles.

Today was such a day at work. Head honcho walks in and due to the recent hires and fires pulls up a PPT presentation showing names of people I know (and dont know), in a heirarchical manner. Programmer, reporting to Lead Programmer, reporting to Manager, who reports to Director who reports to VP. Humm, you know the triangle.

Well, the perfect triangle. Till I came into the picture. Looming out of nowhere, far away from this perfect triangle stood this circle with moi's name in it. And from the circle came out like a million arrows heading to every other circle (well, almost every other circle). Director, manager, office assistant, IT, facilities. You name it.

"He he! Apoorva, your role has become so undefined that this turned out to be ideal."

"Thats fine Bill. But all these arrows... it mean I report to all these people or all these people report to me?"

Blogger Burn-Out

2006-02-15T02:15:00.000-05:00

I thought the day would never come, but I actually feel like I am out of ideas. Like there is nothing worth blogging about. I have about 7 posts drafted, but as I read them, none make me wanna hit the publish button.

I am feeling the same about work. Fortunately I dont feel the same about life.

I need to re-invent.

Random thoughts.

Define your goals. Write them down. And ask yourself periodically what you have been doing to achieve them. This is what Dad said once to me. I nodded but I didnt do the mentioned. I wish I had. Fortunately its not too late. The problem is someone said, its never too late. So I keep postponing.
If you really want to enjoy it, you have to give yourself a 110% to it. That really makes it enjoyable. But the fear creeps in that if it doesnt work out, something which you gave 110% to, could easily scar you for life. So you could be sensible and do a 50-50. Balance your emotions. Your brain with your heart. But then, you dont enjoy it so much. If your heart is not 100% in it, I call it being mechanical.

I hate being Mechanical. Just walking through the steps. At work, at home, in life. When I say I am in this, then I am 110% dedicated to it. So when I say I'll meet a deadline, I will. When I say I love you, I do. When I say I could help, I will. When I say you are fat, you are!

Yes, I have thought of taking a break from blogging. But then, I think I'll just re-invent.

Sometimes I feel like I need to give it all up. Just quit and go to a remote village in India and start a school. Or work for an Old Age home. Or to help the victims of a natural calamity. Or to stand up and fight corruption. Change the system. I just dont find myself bold enough to take that step. For now.

I, many a time believe in "Once Bitten Twice Shy". But I also believe sometimes it worth being bold enough into taking a risk of heading into the same mistake twice, where if things turn out to be your way, it would be much worth it.

Most of us lead happy lives. Party, make merry, get expensive university degrees, make money, build a house, have a family, talk about world politics and how things could be improved and feel content by the end of the day. Very few actually sacrifice all of the aforementioned to make the world a better place.

All of us waste time. Only few dont waste time regretting having wasted time.

Not all my posts make sense. This counts in one of those which doesnt.

Since I have spoken so much about having goals, here are my short term blog goals. Hopefully if I put them down here, I will be forced to implement them.

A post on my India visit. A rather big post. You have been warned.
A post on someone very special to me.
A post on travelling the Mumbai local trains.
A post on food. Come on, remember, I am the man who loves to cook!