Monday, December 19, 2005

Will The Stiletto Ladies Please Sit Down?

BAH!

And BAH!

Also... Ouch!



Remember those laws of motion? Apoorva at rest will continue to be in a state of rest, till forced into motion.

So while this soul was at peace with himself, slouched on his couch ready to watch the Giants pick on the Eagles, swing by the peace-breakers.

"Lets go out"

"No"

"Ok, we never go out. Lets go out."

"Thats what what you always say and we end up going out."

"Come on man Apoo, get a life."

"No"

45 mins pass and I find myself at this weird-ass place. It was some cafe. But the last thing it resembled was..... a cafe! It was over-crowded with people from the age of 20 to 60. Expensive (damn!) booze. Loud music. Smoke. Hot. And enough space to stand on your toes. The perfect blend to piss me off and remind me of the Virar Fast!

So while everyone decided to stand in the crowd (and call it dancing), I decided to stand in what I call the perfect spot. Next to the bar in front of a Television Screen. Perfect spot till the (drunk) lady next to me figures out I am Indian and tries to explain a touchdown.

Lady, I know, but you are drunk, so you wouldnt know that I know!

At this moment a pretty brunette decides to get a drink and walk through the non-existing space between me and drunk lady.
*Crunch*
And I cringe in pain!

"Oh, I am sorry", says pretty brunette.
"Ouch, ouch & ouch", said my grimaced face as I jump around on one foot.

Damn those stilettos!

All this has no effect on the drunk lady, who is still trying to figure out the meaning of a touchdown.

Apparently, pretty brunette has got her drink and decides to retrace her path. And retrace to perfection.
*Crunch*
"Oh my Gawd, I am so sorry"
, says Pretty brunette as she watches me kick off my shoes and crash on the floor, examining my toe.

"Thats a touchdown", yells drunk lady.

"Do you want a doctor?", says dumb pretty brunette.

For the next few hours, I was so sure my toe was a gonner. Wearing shoes is painful. I have been attending meetings wearing chappals. Its too cold to walk out in floaters so I have to wear shoes till I get into the car and heat it up. Then change into floaters. The only consolation. No broken bones.

Ladies, if you are short, God has made you short for a reason. Accept it. And if you are amazonian, you dont need those stiletto heels. So leave those stilettos at home! Please. You gurls are trying to balance yaselves anyways with those stilettoes on. And even if you do plan to wear them, make sure I am not within stamping distance!

36 Comments:

Blogger Medha.. said...

Ahhh, so this is the broken toe incident???

Serves you right Apoorva Joshi!!

Hope more stilleto-wearing-women stamp on ur foot left, right and centre! :p

Okok, dont wanna sound mean! :p

But hey, stilletos do look hot!

December 19, 2005 2:09 AM  
Anonymous Brad said...

Apoo: Ouch! Now, I am not sure whether I'll be able to do 'all' those things that I used to do with that toe, damn it!

Dumb Pretty Brunette: Aaawwh...Give me a chance to make it up to you!

Did the events take this turn?

December 19, 2005 2:31 AM  
Blogger Bird said...

hmm...i dont know whether i'd enjoy ladies stamping on your left and/or right foot, but yeah, i'd enjoy watching girls kick you in the "center".

December 19, 2005 2:53 AM  
Anonymous paras said...

bird: loser .. update ur post rather en just entertaining urself looking at imaginary things happening around u..

December 19, 2005 4:14 AM  
Blogger Madame Mahima said...

ok i KNOW that amazonian thing was aimed at me coz u just called me that a while back.

apoo dahlink, i dont care, when we get married ill carry on wearing my heels...i just have to (and u did tell me u found heels sexy, remember?)
i'll gladly step on your toes ;)

(yes ideasmithy...the weddings back on)

December 19, 2005 10:47 AM  
Blogger Menagerie said...

hehehehehe, hehehehe, poor apoo :)

December 19, 2005 3:56 PM  
Blogger Demi Goddezz said...

Apoo:now i know what to wear if i get to see u here ...LOL!

December 19, 2005 5:38 PM  
Blogger APOO said...

#Medha: Serves me right? What wrong have I done to you, that you shoudl wish such evil upon me?

#Brad: I wish my brain was even half as functional as it normally is (which is not speaking a lot) to come up with such lines.

#Bird: Stop thinking about my crotch and listen to Paro

#Paro: U took the words outta my mouth.

#Mahi: For heavens sake, there are like a thousand amazonians I know... and I repeat, U r outta my mind once I read ya blog.
And sorry, I dont approve of the marriage. I can never marry someone who threw my porn stash outta the window!
(Smithy, the marriage is not on!)

#Menagerie: Yes, A-poor-va.

#Demi: Now I know I should run away if you ever see me here!

December 19, 2005 10:41 PM  
Blogger Arpi said...

Apoo..... u rejected Mahi?
Ok.... who is the gurl?

December 19, 2005 11:14 PM  
Blogger iyer education said...

you were meant to be crushed upon by kolhapuri chappals... getting crushed under stilletoes (thanks for the foto or else i wudnt have understood what a stilleto is) is just not fun...

come down to india, get into virar fast, prolly ladies compartment and get crushed under kohlapuri chappals... it is a much better experience and carrying booze in virar fast is not very expensive...

another thing, i wud suggest you select the "wedding card template" and leave the lady's name blank... you can print it later when you finalise it... or better, surprise the invitees with a final minute change in the bride... that shud be novel and great

oaky enuff pakaoing...

December 19, 2005 11:17 PM  
Blogger APOO said...

Iyer, I have had my experience with Kolhapuri Chappals. I would like to forget it. And its been in Kolhapur, to give it that added touch. And the effect was not on my feet, but on other parts of the body for trying to steal fruits from someones backyard.

Here is my analysis. Klhapuri chappals cover a large area, cause reddening hurt for a while but cure fast.

Stilettos are much more concentrated. Its like multiple stabs with a sharp needle. Deep damage... which lasts...

I think I might prefer the chappals.

December 19, 2005 11:27 PM  
Blogger abhi said...

hahaaahahaaaaaa ... fundooooooo

not laughing at you .. but with you .. great post bhai

December 19, 2005 11:41 PM  
Blogger Arpi said...

Was I just ignored?

December 19, 2005 11:43 PM  
Blogger Lord of all Things said...

Sigh!! now who will marry u ? with all the limbs intact u had problems with the ladies....

now without toes!! sigh!! apooo!! now itz only u and me!! i accept u ... even with those cripples.. compassionate being that i am!

December 19, 2005 11:50 PM  
Blogger IdeaSmith said...

Yipppeee..finally the male brain sees the light!! Apoo, if getting stamped with those was so painful, imagine actually WEARING a knife blade under your heel!

Mahi: You can have him with all my blessings!!

December 20, 2005 12:03 AM  
Blogger APOO said...

All you women who are fantasizing about the saat pheras with me in the lead.... seriosuly... have u'll asked ya Mom?

#Arpi: Nahi yaar... I just got excited by Iyers comment and forgot about you. BTW, I thought we had a guessing game going on?

#LOAT: I have seen you flirt on Iyers blog. I dont trust you!

Smithy: Just when I mastered the art of Chocolate curd rice and also thair sadam.... heartbreaking!

December 20, 2005 12:49 AM  
Blogger APOO said...

#Abhi: Bhai... I knew I could count on ya!

December 20, 2005 12:50 AM  
Blogger IdeaSmith said...

Apoo: Thair sadam and chocolate are the minimum requirements. Not flirting with other women is another!

December 20, 2005 3:12 AM  
Blogger Madame Mahima said...

i hate you apoo..

i practically just asked for your hand in marriage (i had to. men these days are soooo useless!)
and u flat out said no.

thats it..ull remember this day as the day u turned down the most brilliant woman you've ever known.
bah!


its that office lady isnt it. i could sense the lustful vibes beneath all that dissing.
we used to have that apee.
what happened to us?

*sniff*

December 20, 2005 4:38 AM  
Blogger couchpotato said...

:lol: Can't help laughing my head off whenever you and Mahi talk about that great on and off marriage! ;)

And yeah, stilettos should only be worn by moviestars; lethal when real women wear them! ;)

December 20, 2005 6:30 AM  
Blogger APOO said...

#Smithy: Come on! It was just healthy exchange of words.

#Mahi: This is what you get for dumping me and more importantly throwing out my porn stash. Donno if I will remember this day... but am sure you will.... Average Joe rejects Airhead Bimbo!! :P
You got a small part right. It is an office lady. Which lady, and which office.... u need to find out!

#Couchie: I know! Mahi is so weird right?
I think stilettos should be worn by housemaids in Mumbai!

December 20, 2005 7:54 PM  
Blogger Madame Mahima said...

:O i am NOT AN AIRHEAD BIMBO!
how dare you
HOW DARE YOU!!!!!
-flips hair-

AND PUHLEESE
dont insult all those average joes out there
you're just a Despy Apee.

who's the office lady?!
does her name have 5 letters and start with an M,
like M - - - A?
coz if it does..then i think i know who it is
:P

December 20, 2005 9:52 PM  
Blogger APOO said...

Ooooh... Mahi. U r so smart!

Now that you know, and that you live in the same locality, can u be a pal and do me a huge favor? Deliver a heart shaped strawberry cake to M---A's place on my behalf?

Thanks yaar!

December 20, 2005 11:15 PM  
Blogger anjali* said...

Ok, will take off those stilettos of mine and sit down, quietly. :)

December 20, 2005 11:23 PM  
Blogger iyer education said...

okay what is the funda behind housemaids wearing stilletoes? i really cant help thinking about my housemaid wearing stilletoes and sweeping the floor... every morning it will sound like someone is tap dancing at my place...

or are you trying to call the ladies here, who are for stilletoes as housemaids? ;) what is the purpose? i am sorry ladies but i dont like apoo passing derogatory remarks on any of you... so i am here just to help you guys :P

December 20, 2005 11:24 PM  
Blogger Arpi said...

Mahi... I second your assumption!

December 20, 2005 11:34 PM  
Blogger KJ said...

Apoo

u ok or are u still limping around?

:-))

December 21, 2005 2:20 AM  
Blogger APOO said...

#Anjali*: Now thats the kinda girl I like!
Mahi - learn!!

#Iyer: I am just trying to make Mumbai the most fashionable city... where housemaids wear stilettos. Please remove any other thoughts from your devil of a mind.

#Arpi: Why dont u take some cake too?

#KJ: Thenkew ma'am. U r the sweetest. The first one to ask me this. :)
Yup, all good. Ready to run a marathon!

December 21, 2005 2:33 AM  
Blogger Madame Mahima said...

why the hell should i learn when you've already given the heart shaped cake away

-mahi picks up the pieces of her broken heart and leaves-

December 21, 2005 4:55 AM  
Blogger iyer education said...

sorry brother... mujhe maaf karo...
others: mumbai rocks... come here... if not anything else come take a look at our baais

December 21, 2005 5:46 AM  
Blogger Menagerie said...

Haha, come and look at our bais? I am wondering how anyone would ever refuse that tantalizing invitation?

Oh apoo - Never, and I repeat, never turn down a woman's proposal. It is one the rarest commodities. You lost out on a good one :)

December 21, 2005 2:14 PM  
Blogger APOO said...

#Mahi: Learn, in the sense of future candidates. I dont want you making the same mistakes again.... specially the throwing out of porn part!

#Iyer: Bhaaai.... hota hai. Wait n watch, very soon Bird & Baangd will also wear stilettos.

#Menagerie: Oh, u dont know about Mahi & my past. It was so on now off now that I felt like a light bulb.
Its ok... I have moved on....

December 21, 2005 6:08 PM  
Blogger Nicole said...

Cutie, stilettos are sexy.
Never tell a lady not to wear stilettos. U tried to mess around with the brunette, didnt ya? Lightening never stikes twice... unless u mess around baby!

Any holiday plans?

December 21, 2005 10:26 PM  
Blogger Madame Mahima said...

who needs porn when u can have breakfast in bed??

think about it.

December 22, 2005 9:12 AM  
Blogger APOO said...

#Nicole: I no mess with no one... but u might be an exception.
No plans dear... u got any?

#Mahi: You are trying to tempt me arent you? No. Sorry, I am loyal to the office lady. The marriage is still off!

December 22, 2005 9:10 PM  
Blogger memphis said...

m i reading soft porn?

December 23, 2005 12:22 AM  

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