Sunday, September 07, 2008

Fanaa: Attack Of The Gujju Ladies

I was reading the many posts I had in draft and came across this one I wrote way back in June 2006. Since its been a while that I have blogged about being hounded by Gujju aunties, here goes, a blast from the past!

Note: The post is as was typed in June 2006.


26th May, Vin and myself decide to head out to the desiplex cinemaplex at Laurel and watch the 9 PM Fanaa show. Irrespective of what people had to say, I couldnt miss an Aamir-Kajol starrer. As is the norm when one goes with me for a movie, we reached a good one hour early. I always like to be a lil early and get the 'better' seats.

"We will start entry by 8:30 or so", said the lady who handed me the tickets. Half an hour passes by and I jump into the cinema hall and go grab one of the 'better' seats. Vin walks in a few minutes later, amused at my antics. And then, one by one, all the Patel, Shah and Mehta families start walking in. The row in front of me gets loaded by aunties who should be charged double for admission, and the row behind me by a family who prolly needed 3 vans to get them to the theatre. And then the row in front and the row behind me realize they know each other and start yapping across in the most fluent Gujju.

Row behind me: "Aitla aagad kem, aiyaa paachad aavo"
Row in front of me: "Aitloo paachad thee majja naa aave, aagad thee saras"

(Translated, "Why so in front, come here behind" - "Its no fun from behind, front is good").

Vin does not understand Gujarati and I really didnt wanna translate this. Couple of minutes pass by and soon the entire theatre is getting jam packed with Gujjus. Worse. They happen to know everyone around! And the scene soon resembled one of a Mumbai fish market, minus the smell. And in all this a friend of mine (also a Patel) calls up.

"Where are you?"
"In the theatre, for Fanaa"
"Ok, even I am coming, can u buy tickets for me?"
"5 tickets. I have my finacee, bro in law, mom in law and dad in law. So buy 5 tickets and hold 5 places."

So I walk out and get 5 tickets, and Vin n me are now strategically seated. Me on an aisle seat, and Vin, on the other side, leaving 5 seats between us. And this is when all the fun starts.

The cinema hall soon gets all packed up. And Gujju aunties keep walking up to me.

"Are those seats taken?"

Thats how the conversation went most of the time. With a few exceptions.

One Gujju Auntie walks up and starts going past me, assuming the people on the first row were all blind and missed these five spots in the back-row.

"Sorry, someone is coming here"
"Oh, I just want one seat"
"Yes, but there are 7 of us, so we need all these seats"
"You cant give me one seat?"
"I am sorry....."

Then walk in two hot super-hot ABCD chicks.

"Are these seats taken?"
What followed was the biggest trauma of my life. Do I say yes and ask them to move on, and live the rest of my life with the Patel family, or, do I say no, and live the rest of my life with super-hot ABCD chicks. Happily.
"Yeah, I am sorry. But you can sit on my lap"
"All of them? We just need twooooo seats", says one of the super hot chick, all pouting, as she runs her fingers through her hair.
"Yup, all of them. I have some folks coming in soon"

So while I sit there all frustrated, Mr. Patel calls, saying he is outside. Vin says there is no way he can handle the Gujju clan while I am gone, so he happily volunteers to go out and get the Patels, while now I have to man both sides of the fort. Vin = sissy!

And this is when two Gujju ladies with a little kid who apparently looked more clever than the ladies start walking past me.

"Ma'am, these are all taken"
"All??? I just need two!!"
, said Gujju lady 1, staring at me, with wide eyes. Trust me, scary sight.
"Sorry, I have someone coming here."
, she screams at me in the most rude fashion, almost making me jump in my seat.

And her rudeness suddenly makes me snap.

"They are in the restroom. If you wait for a couple of minutes, you could meet them. But if you are really anxious, you can go to the restroom"

Gujju Lady 2: "Whats he saying?"
Gujju Lady 1: "He says we can wait for few minutes and if no one shows up we can sit"
Gujju Lady 2: "That is so stupid. Hull-o? You cant say that. We want to sit."
Me: "Ma'am, I didnt say that. These seats are taken", and I repeat what I had said, minus the meeting them in the restroom part.

Gujju Lady 1: "This is not correct. You cant reserve seats like this. I am going in."
Me: "Ma'am if you are so the believer of the right and the wrong, and what is correct and what is not, then it is only virtuous that all the people who asked me if they could sit here before you did should get the option of sitting here, rather than the front row they are sitting in now. So let me go get those people first and if they decline my offer of a better seat to what they are seated in for now, you could sit here. Dont you think that is 'correct'?"

And I have never seen such confused faces. And then I heard the words I was so expecting to hear.

Gujju Lady 1: "I am calling the manager"
Me: "Sure, I know you need someone to translate my last few words of wisdom If I were you, I wouldnt waste my time. Coz by the time you get the manager, my folks would be here, happily seated, and you would not be able to prove anything. More so, by standing and making a senseless argument here, you are losing some of the available seats and might end up on the front row"

Mentally, I was wondering what the hell is taking Vin so long. And also, when is she gonna slap me.

Fortunately Vin appeared with the Patel clan, and Gujju Ladies gave me the 'I would kill you if I could' look and moved on.

Vin: "Whats up with those ladies man? I am scared of this place. I have never seen so many Gujjus in Bangalore. And this is freaking Maryland, USA! I am never coming here again"

Me? I am going for the next big release for sure. And holding up seats. I have never had so much fun. And I have never seen this side of me before. The arrogant-screw-you side!

The two Gujju ladies, I thank y'all for awakening the devil in me!

**Disclaimer (to any Gujju reading this, or anyone who found any content offensive):
I love Gujjus. Many of my close friends/family are Gujjus. Please take this post in the same humour as its written. I also know its wrong to hold seats, but all the Gujjus should forgive me since I was holding them for five Patels!

.... 37 days to go!

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Blogger Soham Shah said...

Ha ha ha .. Nice one ..

I know Gujju aunties as I m a gujju too .. They dont hv any patience nor any decency .. Exceptions are there but still they need to learn some basics of civic sense..

Nice entertaining post though ..

September 08, 2008 1:10 AM  
Anonymous memphis said...

This story, my friend, is soo fresh..'kahani mein twist'..while reading i was hoping you would put hankies to block the seats ...

i think u sud sell this story to david dhavan..

September 08, 2008 10:39 AM  
Blogger Solitaire said...

This post is funny. Sorry to say that a comment in here is not.

September 08, 2008 7:07 PM  
Blogger Neeku said...

@ Solitaire: I agree cent percent !

September 08, 2008 9:11 PM  
Anonymous IdeaSmith said...

Silly man, admit it! You're a gujju-magnet because you are a secret wannabe gujju yourself!! Tane samjh paedi ke?

September 11, 2008 1:59 AM  
Blogger rantravereflect/ jane said...

bwuhahaaahaahaaaa. i can't believe you actually let those two hot chicks pass..
the patel family must give you their daughter for thta, or if she's taken, some hot cousin of hers at least :)

September 12, 2008 7:56 AM  

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