Fanaa: Attack Of The Gujju Ladies

I was reading the many posts I had in draft and came across this one I wrote way back in June 2006. Since its been a while that I have blogged about being hounded by Gujju aunties, here goes, a blast from the past!

Note: The post is as was typed in June 2006.

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26th May, Vin and myself decide to head out to the desiplex cinemaplex at Laurel and watch the 9 PM Fanaa show. Irrespective of what people had to say, I couldnt miss an Aamir-Kajol starrer. As is the norm when one goes with me for a movie, we reached a good one hour early. I always like to be a lil early and get the 'better' seats.

"We will start entry by 8:30 or so", said the lady who handed me the tickets. Half an hour passes by and I jump into the cinema hall and go grab one of the 'better' seats. Vin walks in a few minutes later, amused at my antics. And then, one by one, all the Patel, Shah and Mehta families start walking in. The row in front of me gets loaded by aunties who should be charged double for admission, and the row behind me by a family who prolly needed 3 vans to get them to the theatre. And then the row in front and the row behind me realize they know each other and start yapping across in the most fluent Gujju.

Row behind me: "Aitla aagad kem, aiyaa paachad aavo"
Row in front of me: "Aitloo paachad thee majja naa aave, aagad thee saras"

(Translated, "Why so in front, come here behind" - "Its no fun from behind, front is good").

Vin does not understand Gujarati and I really didnt wanna translate this. Couple of minutes pass by and soon the entire theatre is getting jam packed with Gujjus. Worse. They happen to know everyone around! And the scene soon resembled one of a Mumbai fish market, minus the smell. And in all this a friend of mine (also a Patel) calls up.

"Where are you?"
"In the theatre, for Fanaa"
"Ok, even I am coming, can u buy tickets for me?"
"Ok..."
"5 tickets. I have my finacee, bro in law, mom in law and dad in law. So buy 5 tickets and hold 5 places."
"Ok..."

So I walk out and get 5 tickets, and Vin n me are now strategically seated. Me on an aisle seat, and Vin, on the other side, leaving 5 seats between us. And this is when all the fun starts.

The cinema hall soon gets all packed up. And Gujju aunties keep walking up to me.

"Are those seats taken?"
"yes"

Thats how the conversation went most of the time. With a few exceptions.

One Gujju Auntie walks up and starts going past me, assuming the people on the first row were all blind and missed these five spots in the back-row.

"Sorry, someone is coming here"
"Oh, I just want one seat"
"Yes, but there are 7 of us, so we need all these seats"
"You cant give me one seat?"
"I am sorry....."


Then walk in two hot super-hot ABCD chicks.

"Are these seats taken?"
What followed was the biggest trauma of my life. Do I say yes and ask them to move on, and live the rest of my life with the Patel family, or, do I say no, and live the rest of my life with super-hot ABCD chicks. Happily.
"Yeah, I am sorry. But you can sit on my lap"
"All of them? We just need twooooo seats", says one of the super hot chick, all pouting, as she runs her fingers through her hair.
"Yup, all of them. I have some folks coming in soon"
-Sigh-

So while I sit there all frustrated, Mr. Patel calls, saying he is outside. Vin says there is no way he can handle the Gujju clan while I am gone, so he happily volunteers to go out and get the Patels, while now I have to man both sides of the fort. Vin = sissy!

And this is when two Gujju ladies with a little kid who apparently looked more clever than the ladies start walking past me.

"Ma'am, these are all taken"
"All??? I just need two!!", said Gujju lady 1, staring at me, with wide eyes. Trust me, scary sight.
"Sorry, I have someone coming here."
"REALLY? WHERE ARE THEY?", she screams at me in the most rude fashion, almost making me jump in my seat.

And her rudeness suddenly makes me snap.

"They are in the restroom. If you wait for a couple of minutes, you could meet them. But if you are really anxious, you can go to the restroom"

Gujju Lady 2: "Whats he saying?"
Gujju Lady 1: "He says we can wait for few minutes and if no one shows up we can sit"
Gujju Lady 2: "That is so stupid. Hull-o? You cant say that. We want to sit."
Me: "Ma'am, I didnt say that. These seats are taken", and I repeat what I had said, minus the meeting them in the restroom part.

Gujju Lady 1: "This is not correct. You cant reserve seats like this. I am going in."
Me: "Ma'am if you are so the believer of the right and the wrong, and what is correct and what is not, then it is only virtuous that all the people who asked me if they could sit here before you did should get the option of sitting here, rather than the front row they are sitting in now. So let me go get those people first and if they decline my offer of a better seat to what they are seated in for now, you could sit here. Dont you think that is 'correct'?"

And I have never seen such confused faces. And then I heard the words I was so expecting to hear.

Gujju Lady 1: "I am calling the manager"
Me: "Sure, I know you need someone to translate my last few words of wisdom If I were you, I wouldnt waste my time. Coz by the time you get the manager, my folks would be here, happily seated, and you would not be able to prove anything. More so, by standing and making a senseless argument here, you are losing some of the available seats and might end up on the front row"

Mentally, I was wondering what the hell is taking Vin so long. And also, when is she gonna slap me.

Fortunately Vin appeared with the Patel clan, and Gujju Ladies gave me the 'I would kill you if I could' look and moved on.

Vin: "Whats up with those ladies man? I am scared of this place. I have never seen so many Gujjus in Bangalore. And this is freaking Maryland, USA! I am never coming here again"


Me? I am going for the next big release for sure. And holding up seats. I have never had so much fun. And I have never seen this side of me before. The arrogant-screw-you side!

The two Gujju ladies, I thank y'all for awakening the devil in me!


**Disclaimer (to any Gujju reading this, or anyone who found any content offensive):
I love Gujjus. Many of my close friends/family are Gujjus. Please take this post in the same humour as its written. I also know its wrong to hold seats, but all the Gujjus should forgive me since I was holding them for five Patels!

.... 37 days to go!

Harry The Bloody Potter

So I walked out of a bar and saw these two witches pass by me. I turned around, went in again, had a few more drinks to clear my head and walked out to find a block surrounded by wizards and witches. Close to midnight, all lined up, to get into Barnes and Noble. Always remember when a Harry Potter book releases.

Why do they have a midnight release? That too of a book which is a favorite amongst kids. I dont see the logic. Kids line up from 7 PM and waste 5 hours in a line dressed up as a witch after which they end up with a copy of the book which they take home and read all night and end up sleeping all day to wake up at night and continue reading. Bookstores remain open all night long, that too a few weeks after we pledged to save electricity and go green!

I say a book release should be at noon. This way, kids will wake up at 5 AM and line up by 7 AM. Read the book all day and sleep at night. No one cares about our next generation as much as I do! And when someone walks out of a bar at midnight is not shocked to see witches walking by.

I also suggest you should have your entire list of co-workers online in a multi-player environment of Unreal Tournament. So when someone screws up, which results in your entire team sitting 12 hours a day, 7 days a week in a 4X4 cubicle, you at least have the pleasure of killing the person in the virtual world.

My friend Sharma, sometime ago, came up with one of his brilliant moments of realization. "If San Jose is pronounced San Hoze, as a Joshi, are you Apoorva Hozhi?"

Drink the hot herbal green tea in a transparent glass (preferably the kinds they serve beer in) at work. Everyone thinks you are having beer. Once you make it clear to everyone that it is green tea, and they laugh off how stupid they could be, start having beer!

Bally's swimming pool in the White Marsh - Baltimore area has a weird rule. Lifegaurds need a break for 10 mins. every hour. So the pool is closed from 10:50-11:00, 11:50-12:00 and so on. If you happen to be swimming, you have to vacate the pool area and return after 10 mins. Am I surrounded by dumb people, or am I the dumb one?

I think I have put on a lil too much weight. When I walk into Chipotle and ask for a Burrito Bol, the guy behind the counter always asks, "Two?". Off late my friends are laying bets on this.

And lastly, I seriously think Lindsay Lohan and Britney Spears should be put in the same lock-up. And kept there. Forever.

Iyerospace On Joshienizer: When Size Doesnt Matter

I should have penned this at a much earlier date, but I refrained doing so due to safety concerns. Iyer was in Baltimore the long weekend of 27th May. OK, make that Baltimore, DC and NYC. And I thought I should wait till he leaves USA for good, such that there is no security threat to me after I hit publish.



For those of you who have never seen Iyer, above is a caricature of his, drawn by a street-side artist in NYC. And Iyer is funnier than this looks. On a side-note, it is strongly believed that the artist has fancied Iyer naked, with shoes, a bow-tie, handcuffs and a guitar covering the essentials.

Anyways, let me skip all the boring stuff and get to what you guys have been waiting for. The Iyeronics.

Walking in DC, near the White House, we come across a huge STOP sign at an entry gate. Under which is another sign - "Permit Holders Only."
Me: "Hmmm.... we cant go"
Iyer: "No re. See, its Stop: Permit holders only. We dont have a permit right? We can go"

.... and he walks through. And doesnt get arrested.


In NYC, walking on Wall St., Iyer comes across a few cops.

Iyer: "Hey hey hey. NYPD! Do you think I could ask them to take a photo with me?"
Me: "Yeah, sure"
Iyer: "I'll ask 'em to point a gun at my forehead. How cool will that be?"
Me: "Lets keep walking"


Day 1 at my place, Iyer takes out a battery charger which has no connector for the socket. "It didnt go into the USA system, so I cut it off and insert the wires straight in."

Day 2 at my place, 2 AM. I hear a "Bhoop" sound, and then there is darkness. The funny part is I was washing my face with soap at this moment, so when I closed my eyes, there was light, and when I opened them, there was none, which for a moment put me in panic "I have lost vision" state. Till Iyer said, "I screwed up".

Lesson learnt - Never allow Iyer to stick two random wires into an electrical socket. So we spent a night in darkness, romantic candle-light and stuff.

And for those of you who think size does matter.



It doesnt.

This little guy can blow up an entire apartments electricity.

NYC Love

250 New Yorkers were bitten by rats
(And 1401 were bitten by humans)

This was photographed near Wall Street. I tell ya, all these finance guys!





And Seaport is always as interesting as ever.

I have always expressed my love for the city. Something or the other is always happening in NYC. Something which is not the norm for the tourists eye, however a Yankee would not even blink.

If I lived in NYC, I would prolly blog more often. If I lived in NYC, I would prolly never head to Times Square. If I lived in NYC, I would prolly sell my car. If I lived in NYC, I would prolly end up paying more tax than my salary. But I love this crazy city.

However, Baltimore is trying to catch up these days. For a change, there is always something or the other of interest when I head downtown. Like they have this new Trapeze school. Little kids, flipping themselves around. I considered enrolling, but my tummy got it the way. And they said the safety net wouldnt hold my weight.

And this ship pulled up in the harbor. Arrrh... Jack Sparrow could not be found ye mates! But there were plenty o' barrel o' rum!