How To Lose Your Friends And Alienate Yourself

Its Friday night. Well, effectively, Saturday morning. And the temperature on the east of Lake Michigan has dropped to a good 39 F. With the sudden chill thats spread over, RC and I decide to make this a Blockbuster night. FYI - Blockbuster night means renting DVD's from Blockbuster!

Now RC has never seen Eternal Sunshine of a Spotless Mind. And ages ago I had mentioned how I happened to find this movie so.... different! Well, different in a nice way. So despite many a protest, RC decides to rent Eternal Sunshine.

So there we are, sitting in front of the TV, munching pop-corn and watching the movie. I have made several attempts to sneak away and log onto the computer but RC insists I should keep her company. "If you so highly recommend a movie, you should watch it as well", are the the exact words.

Its an hour into the movie and I am so totally out of my mind. I love this movie, but tonite is so not an eternal sunshine night. Its more like an Incredible Hulk night (speaking of which, I was thinking of a remake of the Incredible Hulk which would star yours truly and would be called the Incredible HUNK. The first person I bounced this idea off almost died of laughter and hence I changed plans. But now I think it might make a good comedy. Anyways, I digress). Now those of you who might have seen the movie would know the Korgis - Everybody's Gotta Learn sometime is part of the soundtrack. And those who know me, know that I cant sing to save my soul.

As Kate Winslet walks onto the screen.

Me: (singing) Change your heaaaaaart, Look arounddddd you...
(I get a stare from RC, who has probably heard me sing for the first time)

Me: (singing) Change your heaaaaaart, it will astoooooound you

RC: OK, stop!

Me: (singing) I neeeeed your lovingggggg....

RC: I missed out on what they were saying. Shut up or I am going to beat you up! (waves remote at me)

Me: (sings) Like the sunshiiiiiiine
-whack- -whack- -whack-

Me: Oh yeah! I like that! Hit me more!

RC: (rolls eyes and goes back to watching the movie)

Me: (sings) Like the sunshine....

RC: Why dont you surf the net?



What can I say? Everybody's Gotta Learn Sometimes!!

The world is against me. I was typing this post at 1 AM and the net went off. I had no option but to return to Eternal Sunshine....

... 10 days to go!

Fanaa: Attack Of The Gujju Ladies

I was reading the many posts I had in draft and came across this one I wrote way back in June 2006. Since its been a while that I have blogged about being hounded by Gujju aunties, here goes, a blast from the past!

Note: The post is as was typed in June 2006.

--------------------------------------------------------

26th May, Vin and myself decide to head out to the desiplex cinemaplex at Laurel and watch the 9 PM Fanaa show. Irrespective of what people had to say, I couldnt miss an Aamir-Kajol starrer. As is the norm when one goes with me for a movie, we reached a good one hour early. I always like to be a lil early and get the 'better' seats.

"We will start entry by 8:30 or so", said the lady who handed me the tickets. Half an hour passes by and I jump into the cinema hall and go grab one of the 'better' seats. Vin walks in a few minutes later, amused at my antics. And then, one by one, all the Patel, Shah and Mehta families start walking in. The row in front of me gets loaded by aunties who should be charged double for admission, and the row behind me by a family who prolly needed 3 vans to get them to the theatre. And then the row in front and the row behind me realize they know each other and start yapping across in the most fluent Gujju.

Row behind me: "Aitla aagad kem, aiyaa paachad aavo"
Row in front of me: "Aitloo paachad thee majja naa aave, aagad thee saras"

(Translated, "Why so in front, come here behind" - "Its no fun from behind, front is good").

Vin does not understand Gujarati and I really didnt wanna translate this. Couple of minutes pass by and soon the entire theatre is getting jam packed with Gujjus. Worse. They happen to know everyone around! And the scene soon resembled one of a Mumbai fish market, minus the smell. And in all this a friend of mine (also a Patel) calls up.

"Where are you?"
"In the theatre, for Fanaa"
"Ok, even I am coming, can u buy tickets for me?"
"Ok..."
"5 tickets. I have my finacee, bro in law, mom in law and dad in law. So buy 5 tickets and hold 5 places."
"Ok..."

So I walk out and get 5 tickets, and Vin n me are now strategically seated. Me on an aisle seat, and Vin, on the other side, leaving 5 seats between us. And this is when all the fun starts.

The cinema hall soon gets all packed up. And Gujju aunties keep walking up to me.

"Are those seats taken?"
"yes"

Thats how the conversation went most of the time. With a few exceptions.

One Gujju Auntie walks up and starts going past me, assuming the people on the first row were all blind and missed these five spots in the back-row.

"Sorry, someone is coming here"
"Oh, I just want one seat"
"Yes, but there are 7 of us, so we need all these seats"
"You cant give me one seat?"
"I am sorry....."


Then walk in two hot super-hot ABCD chicks.

"Are these seats taken?"
What followed was the biggest trauma of my life. Do I say yes and ask them to move on, and live the rest of my life with the Patel family, or, do I say no, and live the rest of my life with super-hot ABCD chicks. Happily.
"Yeah, I am sorry. But you can sit on my lap"
"All of them? We just need twooooo seats", says one of the super hot chick, all pouting, as she runs her fingers through her hair.
"Yup, all of them. I have some folks coming in soon"
-Sigh-

So while I sit there all frustrated, Mr. Patel calls, saying he is outside. Vin says there is no way he can handle the Gujju clan while I am gone, so he happily volunteers to go out and get the Patels, while now I have to man both sides of the fort. Vin = sissy!

And this is when two Gujju ladies with a little kid who apparently looked more clever than the ladies start walking past me.

"Ma'am, these are all taken"
"All??? I just need two!!", said Gujju lady 1, staring at me, with wide eyes. Trust me, scary sight.
"Sorry, I have someone coming here."
"REALLY? WHERE ARE THEY?", she screams at me in the most rude fashion, almost making me jump in my seat.

And her rudeness suddenly makes me snap.

"They are in the restroom. If you wait for a couple of minutes, you could meet them. But if you are really anxious, you can go to the restroom"

Gujju Lady 2: "Whats he saying?"
Gujju Lady 1: "He says we can wait for few minutes and if no one shows up we can sit"
Gujju Lady 2: "That is so stupid. Hull-o? You cant say that. We want to sit."
Me: "Ma'am, I didnt say that. These seats are taken", and I repeat what I had said, minus the meeting them in the restroom part.

Gujju Lady 1: "This is not correct. You cant reserve seats like this. I am going in."
Me: "Ma'am if you are so the believer of the right and the wrong, and what is correct and what is not, then it is only virtuous that all the people who asked me if they could sit here before you did should get the option of sitting here, rather than the front row they are sitting in now. So let me go get those people first and if they decline my offer of a better seat to what they are seated in for now, you could sit here. Dont you think that is 'correct'?"

And I have never seen such confused faces. And then I heard the words I was so expecting to hear.

Gujju Lady 1: "I am calling the manager"
Me: "Sure, I know you need someone to translate my last few words of wisdom If I were you, I wouldnt waste my time. Coz by the time you get the manager, my folks would be here, happily seated, and you would not be able to prove anything. More so, by standing and making a senseless argument here, you are losing some of the available seats and might end up on the front row"

Mentally, I was wondering what the hell is taking Vin so long. And also, when is she gonna slap me.

Fortunately Vin appeared with the Patel clan, and Gujju Ladies gave me the 'I would kill you if I could' look and moved on.

Vin: "Whats up with those ladies man? I am scared of this place. I have never seen so many Gujjus in Bangalore. And this is freaking Maryland, USA! I am never coming here again"


Me? I am going for the next big release for sure. And holding up seats. I have never had so much fun. And I have never seen this side of me before. The arrogant-screw-you side!

The two Gujju ladies, I thank y'all for awakening the devil in me!


**Disclaimer (to any Gujju reading this, or anyone who found any content offensive):
I love Gujjus. Many of my close friends/family are Gujjus. Please take this post in the same humour as its written. I also know its wrong to hold seats, but all the Gujjus should forgive me since I was holding them for five Patels!

.... 37 days to go!

Baap Ban Jaaye Campaign

A quick note for readers who are not well versed in Hindi - read the note at the end of this post before you read it. Others, read on!

I was chatting with a friend when the conversation ended up in music and Ghulam Ali (I swear we have a life), and I casually mentioned, "As a kid I was in love with two songs. Chupke Chupke and Baap Ban Jaaye."

This is what followed:

She: Baap Ban Jaaye?
Me: Aap jaisa koi mere zindagii mein aaye, toh Baap Ban Jaaye (Translated: Someone like you enters my life, he'll become a Dad)
She: I love that song too, but its Baat Ban Jaaye, not BAAP
Me: What? No way!

Since the age of 5, I have been singing this song from Qurbaani and the lyrics in my book have always been Baap Ban Jaaye. I am sure somewhere in the past I must have walked into a house packed with guests with my Mom going, "Oh yeah, he has started singing lessons. Apoo, you wanna demo?"

"Sure Mom. One, Two, Three - Aap jaisa.... Baap Ban Jaaye"

No wonder my singing classes were abruptly canceled and they put me in drawing classes.

However, with my years of self taught lyrics shattered, I decided to do a postmortem. And eventually have come to the conclusion that the lyrics of the song should be changed from Baat to Baap. Firstly, check out the video. Now, which guy would prefer Zeenat saying "Baat Ban Jaaye" over "Baap Ban Jaaye". If any one of you guys raised your hand, I suggest a sex change operation or suicide.

I even compared it to the male version of Bryan Adams - Ever Loved a Woman. Apparently all women I know go all weak on the "See your unborn children in her eyes". I think "Baap Ban Jaaye" should be the male equivalent of that.

On a side note, I can see my Dad heave a sigh of relief with a "Finally he got the lyrics and I can stop being embarrassed in public" dialog.

So, should I start a facebook campaign for a change in lyrics?
Should I make an appeal to Biddu and Nazia Hassan?
Should I just shut up?


Note:
Baap Ban Jaaye - in Hindi means become a father
Baat Ban Jaaye - in Hindi is something to the tune of 'its a sweet deal'.