Tuesday, June 06, 2006

Nasty, Evil, Vindictive Apoorva

This chap I know. Irritating to the core. And the worst part, he wont know he is being irritating. To sum it up, he has got the perfect 'country bumpkin' brain and tries to show he is some 'big city' guy. In the end he looks like a Maserati running on a Kinetic Honda engine. He'll go on and on over lunch about how some nuclear explosion can create enegry to propel you to the moon in a nanosecond to how the earthquake in Japan caused no damage due to the unique structural design of their apartments. The catch here is, you just saw an episode last nite on Discovery, higlighting the same incidents. The worst part, you saw the episode with him! And dont ever think of making a logical argument with him. The conclusions he draws are on such a tangent that you forget the very purpose of the conversation. I mean, stuff like, "If Google can claim a 10% stake in AOL, Microsoft can buy out Google" makes you wonder how you can make this man listen to reason! But to everything, there is always a saving grace (if I may but call it that). His Girlfriend. She'll dominate him like Hitler. basically, shut up his ever blabbering mouth. "Pick me at 7", "Drop me at 8", "Lift my handbag", "No, you cant go for this movie without me", "No clubbing, take me to TGIF!" "You should open the car door for a lady". The list could go on. And the poor soul (I cant believe I called him that!!) complies. He will drive one hour to pick her up and drop her someplace which she can walk in 10 minutes. Slavery. Thats how I define it! I am ready to bet my lifetimes savings that if she asks him to wear a bow-tie on his private parts and walk around in public, he'll do it. He redefines the term, "Love is Blind". But have a one on one with him, and he is frustratingly irritating. So much that if its my last and only wish, I'll make him realize how irritating he can be and then kill him! No, torture him to death. Anyways, the story takes an important twist, coz his girlfriend is ready to marry him. I controlled my laughter at the thought of the guy on all fours, tongue out, on a leash, walking in the mall, controlled by his girlfriend. But one day he walked up to me and asked, "Should I marry her?"
I thought for a moment about the all fours-tongue out-leash-mall sight. I felt bad and thought I should make him see some reason. Then I saw his face. That irritating face. I thought about the earthquake resistant houses in Japan. About the nuclear explosion sending one to the moon. And I said, "Of course man, she is the best thing that could happen to you. You'll make a great pair. Dont let go of this opportunity."

So they are getting married.

When I was a kid (talk about being 7 years old), we had a weird kinda 'war' going on in Nandanvan. Ok, we had many weird things going on there, but this was the extreme. We had groups. Three groups to be precise. Call them Group X, Group Y and Group 'Umm'. Group Umm, coz there was only one person in this group, who we nicknamed Umm. These 3 groups lived together in harmony. Harmony when we were face to face. But deep down we indulged in Guerilla warcraft. You hide, and you swing mud bombs at each other. After a while it got a little cumbersome to make mud bombs and toss them on the go. So, each group met in secrecy, and made mud bombs which they hid at different locations. When you spot someone from the opposite group, you run to the closest mud bomb location and hide, waiting for him/her to turn up. And then - bombard! The funny part was, I belonged to Group X, and knew where they hid all their artillery. I also belonged to Group Y, and knew where they hid their mud bombs. After a while I also knew where Group 'Umm' hid his mud balls (no pun here). One fine day, I gathered every groups mud bombs, put them in a plastic bag and hid them in my balcony. Then I stood in my balcony and watched the confusion unfurl. And smiled.

"A hot Music Channel VJ (I wont disclose the name but she danced with Shahrukh Khan on top of a train) is coming to Shoppers Stop and You have won a chance to go shopping with her. For an hour, you shop. You shop till you drop. And she pays. Get this voucher, dress up in formals and stand outside XXX Mall when she arrives at 5 PM."
Thats what the letter read. Thats what the letter Abhi, Bakshi and myself drafted, read! Yes, Abhi and Bakshi are evil too, but that could be a topic of discussion for another post. For now, a good friend of ours, got this voucher, all printed with with a bar code and all, on glossy paper (Thanks Abhi and his ex-workplaces laser printer). The poor guy, skipped his tuitions and dressed up in a tie and stood outside XXX Mall with his entire family. Us, strategically placed, clicked photos.
And he stands there for a good hour, and returns home. Says he will contact mid-day and tell them about the scam. And we tell him..... "I think this was MTV Bakraa." So for the next 8 weeks, he does not miss a day of MTV Bakraa.
Proud to be a part of a group which plotted this.
Wanna make matters worse? I dont think he knows we were behind this. Yet.

When we play EA Sports Formula 1 online, the glitch in the multiplayer game is when a new users logs in, the screen freezes up for a few seconds. So if you are driving and a new user logs in, your screen just freezes but in the back end, your car is still moving. So after a few seconds you find yourself pretty much off track. Now Abhi, Tak and myself play (used to) this online few times. And when Tak used to be on his qualifying lap, I used to log out of the game and log back in. What did this do? It freezes up Taks screen and after a while he finds his car like a cow on grass. Abhi meantime will sit next to me and laugh, call me "Hulkaat" but not stop me! Yeah, he is evil too. But like I said before, that could be an entire post. Tak meantime will message us saying, "Damn, I think my PC is too slow!"

Once, while in school, during summer break, I created an ID of a girl with a really hot name and mailed on my university yahoogroups asking for "new admission, lodging required". I must have got some 100 personal replies (99% guys) saying they were ready to help in 'whatever' way possible. Some, even went into great detail (of stuff which only their mirror would know). As a matter of fact one of my roomies kept going, "She seems to be hot! She seems to be hot!" untill I told her it was me. Yeah, I got beaten up. But everytime some guy who had replied to her in a seductive manner walked around campus acting like a saint, it made me roll over!

The same person in Case I above has a unique knack of selectively replacing 'E's with 'A's. What do I mean by that?
Method = Mathod
Menagerie = Managarie
Viginity = Virganity
(you will crack up when you hear him say this!)
So one fine day I hear his voicemail, which goes like - "Hi. This is X. I cannot take your call but if you leave your name and number I will get back to you". I convince him that this is too long a message. The message should be short, to save money. you know, the people who might call him from international locations?
So soon, we have a new voicemail.
"Hi this is X. Please leave a massage."

During my masters, I insisted on having insaurance. Some of my friends felt they were fine without it. So one day I mention to one of them. "Dude, you should have insaurance. You never know what might happen tomorrow"
Come tomorrow, 'dude' is in an ambulance on way to the hospital, undergoing various tests working up a bill of a few thousand. In the end, the conclusion was, he is passing stone, so nothing to worry about. Except the bills!

Sometimes, I am unaware of my powers.

Madame Desi was one day eating my brains over a non-issue. And then I said to her, "Shhhh... or they'll transfer you to Texas!" After a week, she was asked to leave. I swear on the Lord I had no hand in this. But I think its just the evil me!

Evil? Check.

Nasty? Check.

Vindictive? Check.

Special thanks to this one girl in Syracuse (name witheld) who made me realize these traits. When asked, "What do you think of Apoorva?", to quote her, "Oh, he is so Naystea and Vindictive!"


Blogger Medha.. said...

tch tch tch...

.....And then you go about publicising about all this on ur blog! You are THAT proud of it eh? Shame on you! :p

June 06, 2006 6:49 PM  
Blogger Demi Goddezz said...

lol...ur naesty?

June 06, 2006 7:31 PM  
Blogger Casablanca said...

So I am guessing internet connection has been restored. Or, you were so eager to announce your nasty status, that you blogged from office.

June 06, 2006 11:51 PM  
Blogger iyer education said...

St Apoo's back... how was the sanyaas? good? did u meet up with pals and the grizzlies? now after all this sanyaas time you are all nasty and all haan?

and u getting married?

June 07, 2006 12:27 AM  
Anonymous Brad said...

Vindictive? Incidents mentioned don't qualify that.

June 07, 2006 2:49 AM  
Blogger Menagerie said...

Whoa, not much time to read your entire post, but sounds promising!!

Oh btw, am on the 'open relationship' deal, in fact am flying to Baltimore tonight!!!

I really am !

So make plans for tomorrow honey :P

June 07, 2006 11:31 AM  
Blogger anjali* said...

Super NASTY. I like!

Welcome back, Apoo. You've been missed!

June 07, 2006 11:13 PM  
Blogger Sonia said...

lol! niiiice!

June 08, 2006 2:56 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

FINALLY!!!!!!!Thank God you are alive man! Been calling you and god knows who all freaks(ppl who now have your earlier number(personal and cell)i have spoken with, finally realising that ur number has been changed..:(

Some one stalking you?


June 09, 2006 1:47 PM  
Blogger APOO said...

#medha: Wait till I exercise my nasty, evil vindictive qualities on you... I shall have more to blog about!

#Demi: Naystea. Close to Nestea.

#Casa: Wrong questions. You could answer such stuff under 'anonymous' blogging. I cant. Now if you are smrt, u will put 2 and 2 together!

#iyer: I got married!

#Brad: Its all relative.... also, dont wanna give heavy dose in the first post!

#Menagerie: Come to Papa!

#Anjali*: Ah! At least I have one admirer. thank you Anjali*!

Sonia: U like naystea guys too eh?

Chatter: Wake up. I even called u on your B-day from my cell.
And the stalking days are over. Now i stalk people!

June 09, 2006 6:15 PM  
Anonymous yvy said...

Welcome back!! :) Looks like u have indeed been missed. :P

June 11, 2006 11:05 PM  
Blogger iyer education said...

shaadi mubarak ho dost!!! with the frequency of your blogging, i am sure we would be able to read the next post on the birth of the first child... waiting eagerly for that :)

June 13, 2006 12:51 AM  
Blogger KJ said...

welcome back to the blogging world!!!
u were missed..

Super post!!!



June 13, 2006 5:53 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

incorrect representation of facts on the Battle of Nan(guys/gals/pals) here .... pops

the 3 groups were:
group neutral - apoo, bird, farro were a part of this group

group chicko - all girl ferocious team led by a certain miss kau (pals and ajit were her left and right hands - don't get naughty thoughts, we were little kids then)

group 'noname' (a.k.a. hiyawata kids, a.k.a. croonies, a.k.a ) - bakshi, umm and me led by Rajesh (the brainiac and conspirer)

Apoo's group neutral (as the name suggests) chose to stay out of everything under the sun ... No idea if the above incident ever did happen apoo, we were busy ambushing the chickos with the latest builds of our stick avtaar bombs. And yes, we used to steal group Chicko's bombs from under their noses too and bombard them with their own artillery.

Pals was hyper as ever (since time began one would think)

ah well .. think this shud go into a blog post ... .... .....

June 13, 2006 11:16 AM  
Blogger APOO said...

#Yvy: thengew dear! I know... I am the lovable kinds who is always missed....

#Iyer: thank You. Who said child has to wait till marriage?

#KJ: thank you, thank you! :)

#Abhi: Your story is true. but that i think was at a later stage. We had many groups at various stages of our childhood. I remember the girly group, noname group and the neutral one too (just to set the record straight, farro was in the girly group). Hiawatha kids was another group at a different time. Dont mix em up! I was a part of that group (where we almost made pals jump off the terrace!)

yes yes... blog about it!

June 13, 2006 5:57 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

hiyawata was a rajesh original ... just that the name didnt kick off ...

umm later on dhapped it and made us all do weird stuff ..

and yes pals should have been dropped off an air balloon (if we had access to one)

June 14, 2006 3:29 AM  
Anonymous umm said...

Hmmm stumbled across this blog while searching for umm in google. I did remember apoo revealing sometime that he destroyed the bombs. Something about you seeing people hiding bombs from your balcony. The groups also could be hiren kedar and random others, ajit pals and chicks, rajesh me abhi and adit, faro apoo were in and out of various groups. I dont really remember making mudbombs alone but i could be mistaken.
I remember the wierd stuff i made some of you do. This was to be the stepping stone to being the supreme leader of the universe. But immediately dreams were shattered when i saw the first of my beloved subjects ;). I do accept Haiwatha being Rajesh's invention. That guy was brilliant.
Apoo i think a fitting sign of evil would be to forward your blog link to a certain "bakra".

June 15, 2006 2:09 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

haha umm ... how on earth are u?

and add 'where' to that q too .;.

June 19, 2006 1:40 AM  
Anonymous umm said...

am still in the netherlands and i am bored...

June 19, 2006 7:03 AM  
Blogger APOO said...

He he! Umm... good to see you around! Are u enjoying the World Cup drama going on in that part of planet earth?

Keep us updated....

PS: U dont need to say u r bored... the fact u r commenting on my blog translates to just that ;)

June 20, 2006 12:25 AM  

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