Monday, August 22, 2005

You Shop Till I Drop

Here is my advice to all you sane men out there. Never, and I repeat, Never go shopping with the woman-kind (why do they call them kind? They are a brutal mass of infinite energy when it comes to shopping. No kindness shown.).

When she asks, "What you doing this weekend?", say you are going to Tibet to take up Buddhism.

But NEVER.EVER.GO.SHOPPING.

Super Flow Boot Cut 518, Low Slouch Cuff 509, Boot Cut 515, Scoop Neck Top, Dip Dyed Flutter Sleeved Top. ... all these keep ringing in my ears. I wake up at night stammering numbers like 515, 509..... etc.

The next time some girl says, "Lets Chill", ask her to define "Chill" or just go sit in the freezer (bad joke!) but NEVER.EVER.GO.SHOPPING.

Chill can mean, walking the mall for some 6 hours, getting into every possible store (irrespective of what you want to buy), comparing prices, and finally making no purchase.

Damn it, I have never walked to and fro in a mall, as much as I walked this instance. The Chinese woman giving out free samples of General Tso Chicken also realised she's seen me before and stopped handing out those free samples to me!

Ok, even if you have to go shopping, do not, and I repeat, DO NOT, go shopping for Jeans. Seriously. The womankind will wear these Gawd knows zillion styles of Jeans, try every one out, ask your opinion, how it looks, how it fits, claim that you are staring at her butt and ignoring the jeans (and rest assured, you shalt get smacked for it). Finally she will claim one particular piece of cloth fits the best (which, I can bet, would look the same to you, compared to the last 30 styles she has tried out) and then finally say, Forget It, it doesnt feel right. Eventually people will call the store manager when they see you jumping up and down pulling out your hair in frustration, and have you thrown out of the store.


Always, always, always carry nutritional power bars. The woman will never stop shopping till the shops close and if you dont have something to munch on, you are at the mercy of Chinese woman passing out samples every time you cross her path. To those who can afford it, carry your laptop. No, I dont mean you can eat your laptop. But you can surely get some work done.

If the woman is your wife/fiancee/girlfriend/ChickYouTryToImpress, never have a smile of your face when you pass by
Victoria's Secrets. And to all you men who have stopped reading my post and started sufring Victoria Secrets website, go ahead. You have my blessings. We shall meet around some corner of this planet and if your wife/fiancee/girlfriend/ChickYouTryToImpress has not caught you staring at the beautiful Adriana Lima, we shall smile at each other!

Never ask questions. If you ask things like "Whats this?" and "Why this?", be prepared for looks which say - "Whats your IQ? Negative 200??" or "How does it matter to you, your job is to hold the bags"

Words such as, "Lets break for lunch", "Do you really plan to buy anything from here?", "How much longer?" and "Look, Video Game Parlour!!" are strictly forbidden.

Always say "Yes". "Will this look good on my Mom?" - "Yes". Even if you have never seen her Mom! Always, "Yes".

Only one time when you say NO and run. When she says, "I forgot my purse"

And I am bored of General Tso chicken.

26 Comments:

Blogger iyer education said...

did you leave out pain balm, pain killer injections, first aid kit, disprin... i guess if you have to walk to and fro in a mall for 6 goddamn hours then i guess you surely need to have atleast some of these out there... preferably all of these if you want to be prepared for the worst...

*heads down for 2 minute mourning to apoo joshi*

August 22, 2005 12:35 AM  
Blogger iyer education said...

i forgot to ask... which of these were you with?

wife/fiancee/girlfriend/ChickYouTryToImpress

August 22, 2005 12:37 AM  
Blogger APOO said...

Rumpel, forget the past. Right now its either - ChickYouTryToRunAwayFrom or ChickYouTryToForget.

I goto the gym to improve the running speed for former. I drink to drain my memory for later. Lets see who wins.

August 22, 2005 12:52 AM  
Blogger Nicole said...

Very funny! It wasnt that bad am sure.

August 22, 2005 12:57 AM  
Blogger APOO said...

Nicole... what? You think I wrote this post coz I had nothing better to do???? Come on, you know better!

August 22, 2005 1:06 AM  
Blogger KJ said...

LOL

LOL

LOL


KJ

August 22, 2005 6:20 AM  
Blogger Madame Mahima said...

HAHA!
that was hilarious apoo...serves you right!
give that lovely lady a pat on the back on my behalf (and when i say 'back' i MEAN 'back' and not 'butt')

August 22, 2005 6:34 AM  
Blogger couchpotato said...

Hilarious!
Agree completely... VERY true. The second worst part is when they cancel the purchase as soon as they reach the billing counter! After 5 hours of hunting, that too. Drives me nuts when they do that!

August 22, 2005 8:41 AM  
Anonymous AJ said...

You think shopping for jeans is bad? Let me give you a heads up.

Never go with women when they are shopping for jewellery!!I went with my at the time fiance to Zaveri Bazaar, and I found out the hard way. Plus there are no Victoria's Secret shops to look at while walking from one shop to another. Just 150 people/sq feet to navigate through.

August 22, 2005 8:45 AM  
Blogger APOO said...

KJ: Thank You.

Mahima: You mean mean lady! What did I do that it serves me right? And No! No pat! The lady could get a kick on her rear if u want me to...

Couchie: I identify with ya!

AJ: Thanks for the heads up. Yes, I have had jewellery shopping experiences too. Dads friend owns a jewellery shop so thankfully the experience has not been too bad. I get food and stuff when I am waiting since I am a "known face".

August 22, 2005 10:20 AM  
Blogger IdeaSmith said...

I wish there was a smiley that could adequately convey a cross-eyed booing face.....men will be men and women will be good shoppers...and never the 'twain shall meet. *Sighhhhh*...personally I hate taking a guy along shopping...I don't think even my preschooler nieces and nephews throw such tantrums!

August 22, 2005 10:35 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Ajo going for shopping with a female …interesting…thinks have started to change for ajo…he is no longer the loner tht I knew ….
And about the General Tso …dude its high time u buy something from the lady and stop having all those free samplers...

Amit

August 22, 2005 11:01 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Ajo going for shopping with a female …interesting…thinks have started to change for ajo…he isno longer the loner tht I knew ….
And about the General Tso …dude its high time u buy something from the lady and stop having all those free samplers...

Amit

August 22, 2005 11:01 AM  
Blogger APOO said...

Smithy: Yes yes... I agree. Women are the best shoppers. Mensuck at it. Please keep us out of it!

On a side-note, if I can stimulate the chemicals which flow through a womans body when she shops... I might have a compund which could beat "being on steriods"

Tima: I exploit loopholes in every bussiness.

August 22, 2005 1:14 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hi
where are u?
I promise I will not take u for shopping or ask u to pay my bills.
Pls come back...

Yours Loving

Mrs TSO

August 22, 2005 1:48 PM  
Blogger Dan said...

Wiser words were never said nor written :-) A woman going shopping and you accomopanying her is like you becoming a Bali ka bakra .. I mean a poor goat being led to sacrifice ...

August 22, 2005 5:49 PM  
Blogger APOO said...

Yes Dan, its suicidal!!

Mrs TSO: You are getting the wrong idea. All I wanted was free chicken.

August 22, 2005 10:33 PM  
Blogger kavin said...

Hey I completely agree with ur point here man...sply the Victorias secret point..I have had 1 of the most embarassing moment of my life standing infromt of VS store in a mall ...when my friend dragged me in the store to accompany her as an punishment for staring..
U write well ..carry on,
Kavin.

August 23, 2005 2:24 AM  
Anonymous deepakjeswal said...

It is quite a painstaking task to be with a woman while shopping. And this applies to ALL ages - wonder why doesnt the 'steroid-ic shopping hormone' not subside ever!

Hilarious post! Loved it!

August 23, 2005 3:35 AM  
Blogger garfy said...

ROTFL...

I know the feeling... salespeople staring you down and plotting to throw you outta the store after recognising you! What fun! :P

Sympathies!

August 23, 2005 7:35 AM  
Blogger Madame Mahima said...

you know i think women are gonna hate me for saying this...but guys, don't ever follow a woman shopping..not unless u wanna end up 1)wasting a shitload of time 2)a bad footache 3)frayed nerves 4)unless you're a good liar with loads of patience..

sisters..please dont hate me for i only speaketh the truth.

August 23, 2005 11:21 PM  
Blogger APOO said...

Kavin (Klein?): Hey hey hey... getting dragged into VS is not a punishment. That was done once to me, thinking I would be embarassed.... poor souls had no clue I was shameless enough to compare different types of lingerie. Thanks for the compliments tho!

Deepak:The shopping hormone's growth is directly proportional to breathing. It will never die!

Garfy: Thanks! I need the sympathies (and my drained out energy).

Mahima: Words of wisdom. Patience is the key. When I learnt to drive I used to be the bali kaa bakraa for my aunt and Mom. Now when I look back, I would never have been a patient man had it not beedn for those outings.

U know, actually I personally feel I do make a good shopping partner. I might just blog about the experience and crib then about lack of food. But I hung around for 6 hours... didnt I?

I need to stop selling myself!

August 24, 2005 1:14 AM  
Blogger Madame Mahima said...

so then ure a good liar with loads of patience?:P

August 24, 2005 6:42 AM  
Blogger EvolutioN said...

U bet!!! shopping... I wonder why they do not call it (s)hopping... cuz thats what they do... hop about from one store to another... trying out all sorts of godforsaken clothes until they find one which fits the bill (or the figure) he he

I guess the menfolk are gonna kill me for this, but then, at the end of the day, when you are lying on the sofa with the remote control in your hand, and you say "my feet are (boo hoo) killing me", and she fawns and says "awwww baby"... its worth it!!!


he he

Love, laughter n keep the Faith

Sagnik

August 24, 2005 9:39 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

i dont think all the women with whom you have been shopping have killed you brutally.Look at the brighter side, you get free food!And then the way to a mans heart is through his stomach. So now you see why the 6 hrs of shopping!!!
She really must not know how to cook so thats why the general tso was planned. Its all a strategy. Dont blame the poor soul!!!Get the hint ;)!!!!

August 24, 2005 7:44 PM  
Blogger APOO said...

Mahima: OK, u got me in a fix!

Evolution: When you have the remote in your hands, she always wants the remote. There is no "awww baby".

Anon: How many women do you know that I have been shopping with? How do you know I got free food? What TSO planning? Read the post again. And if I think who I think you are.... stop eating Cinnamon Toast and start cooking!

August 24, 2005 9:07 PM  

Post a Comment

Links to this post:

Create a Link

<< Home