Saturday, October 07, 2006

Gujju Attacks And The Acid Test

After like a zillion years and realizing I have been making free monthly donations to my gym, I decided to make use of that multistoried complex where you get live-walking-talking examples of what obese would be and what well toned would be.

And like most of my gym stories, this one has to start in the locked room. As like most of my stories, it has to involve a slightly fat Gujju Uncle trying to hitch me up with his daughter.

So when I entered the locker room, I found myself face to face with this man who would be in his late 40's or early 50's. His English was somewhere between - I learnt it at the age of 40 - to - I learnt it yesterday. Yet his effort at speaking the language was recommendable. Altho at first he started off with the usual Gujju pair of words.

"Kem Chho?" (How are you?), with a smile so wide that it might have exposed all of his 32 teeth. At this time, I would like to remind everyone of a new policy incorporated by yours truly. He who shall assume I am Gujju will not get a word of Gujju out of me.

"Good. Yourself?", I said. The man was smart enough to get the hint and started conversing in English. We made small talk and as I was heading for my treadmill, he goes, "The good and healthy Indian in US, is good to see always."

I smiled, and walked away. As I was done with the treadmill, he walked up to me again, giving me the impression he had been spying on me and waiting for me to stop. "University you go to?" After letting him know what I work here and finished my schooling, with a slight hint of a frown, he says, "My daughter go to good university here" and after a pause says, "But you teach me how the dumbell do?"

From experience, the moment Gujju men start talking about their daughter(s), a huge alarm rings in my head. Its like my sixth sense pounding my eardrums warning me of an unseen danger.

"I cant lift weights for a while, so you'll have to excuse me."

"You have the problem? I help when you in need. My daughter goto good medical school. All medicine you come to me. She help. After all, the good and healthy Indian in US, is good to see always"

And so my first and last day (for a while) at the gym was as such.... (On a sidenote, I have been reading Gregory Roberts - Shantaram, and somehow this guy reminded me of Prabhaker the Guide)

On a different note, my ex-roomie did get married to his European Girlfriend. The wedding took place in Europe and then the bride stayed back for a month and joined him here. What she got with her was a dog. A miniature pinscher. I jokingly call the mutt as dowry. But apparently he is named 'Waffle' and is probably thrice the size of my palm. In all honesty, my neighbour has a cat which is bigger than him.

For reasons best known to everyone, I was avoiding Waffle, till one day the owner and the dog decide to visit my apartment.

"He wont do anything to you..."

"How do you know?", said I, as Waffle slowly walked up to me.

"Oh, he'll smell you and thats about it", and the mutt, a little taller than my ankles, did walk up and smell my toes, licked them and walked away.

Finally, I thought, there exists a dog who is crazy enough not to run after me. And in all happiness, I called out to him, "Waffle, Waffle, Waffle". And he turns around, growls, the growl turns into a bark and starts running at me. The look in his eyes said it all. "I am 1/50 th your size, but I'll rip you apart"

Fortunately for him, he was on a leash.

Thats Waffle, and the cutest part about him is his ears are too big for his body. And one ear is always uptight and the other is slack, resting down.

Also, going to a Pet Shop makes me realize dogs live a carefree life. They have these teeny weeny shirts made for them which says, "Wanna be my bitch?". I so wanted something like that since I was five, but had to think a thousand times if I had to wear it.


Blogger Medha.. said...

Hahaha.. thats his dog?! lol. He's sooooo tiny!!!

October 07, 2006 2:06 AM  
Anonymous IdeaSmith said...

That is cho chweet....except that its a dog. Whole-hearted sympathies....I'm petrified of dogs too.

Uh, but you wanted a tee that said, "Wanna be my bitch?" at age five????

October 07, 2006 3:07 AM  
Blogger Madame Mahima said...

this post bought a huuuuuuuuuge smile to my face for 3, no 4 reasons -
1) you ALWAYS get hit on by gujju men..that in itself is just hilarious
2) i LOVED prabhakar in shantaram..adorable character
3) i love dogs (esp ones that know the right people to growl at :P)
4) when i was looking around to buy a dog, the one dog that totally captivated my heart was a neglected female mini pinscher at the store..she was adorable but my parents refused to get her for well..ive got a soft spot for them (in my heart, you jackass)

good post!

October 07, 2006 8:15 AM  
Blogger KJ said...


maybe u got sort of "AXE" effect on gujju men..:p



October 08, 2006 6:09 AM  
Blogger iyer education said...

i wonder what would happen to you if you were ever confronted by a GUJJU DOG

October 09, 2006 5:08 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

dude r u sure its a living dog ...looks more like a stuff toy my niece plays with ....dude it while make perfect bathroom slippers ...:-)

Dude whts with gujju's n u ...well I think they hit on u ...not for thier hot daughters but they all want a piece of u ...

they wwant to eeat khamn, dhokla and u ..opps

Is Santaram ...santaBai's husband ....dude I knw I should shutup n go back to wrk ...but Cant hlp Pj's r Very poor

October 09, 2006 2:03 PM  
Anonymous Brad said...

Is Waffle about 6 months old?

Do a Google (Images) on 'Killer Chihuahua'!

A certain Gujarati acquaintance and another friend of mine who were looking around for directions to some beaches, walked upto a plump catholic lady walking back from the church and asked her politely- (phonetically this is what he said)- Hay-Low! Cane u telmee way-r can I fynd sum bitches?
The woman was sure as hell astounded.

October 09, 2006 2:47 PM  
Blogger Menagerie said...

Gujju, aaj thi tu gujju thai gayo!

How fun will it be hearing you sing, 'dil le gayi kudi gujarat ni' :P

Man, that dog is the smallest thing ever! Although I want a lhasa apso puppy soooooooo much !!!

October 09, 2006 11:08 PM  
Blogger anjali* said...

You crack me up, dude!!!
And y'know what? I think my Smokey is even bigger in size than that dog.

I got the Mumbai dates already - 5-10 Dec. Guess I'll miss you then. :-(

October 09, 2006 11:52 PM  
Blogger Menagerie said...

Ohhh, seems like you are going to India...

Come on now, quickly tell me the dates so I can jinx it :P

October 10, 2006 11:32 AM  
Blogger APOO said...

#Medha: I could say I have seen bigger ones...

#Idea: Yeah age 5, I tell ya... my hormones...

#Mahi: Thank You :)
What can I say, I am a nice guy. I make people smile!

#KJ: I dont know about Gujju men, but I sure have the axe effect on dogs... axe effect gone a lil wrong tho!

#Iyer: I would have to throw Khamand Dhoklaa his way to get him off my back!

#Amit: I think you should start blogging!

#Brad: LOL! U serious the person said that. I have heard about the bitched and holes (halls) in jokes.
Waffle is about a year old.

#Menagerie: Aave khamand dhoklo jamvaanoo. Majja ni life! And tell you what, I have already sung and danced to that song.... without any luck!
My friend had a lhasa. Love those dogs.
You are gonna have to try hard to get the dates from me. Hint - my stay is more in Jan than in Dec

#Anjali*: Smokey would probably be twice Waffle's size.
5-10 DEC!!! U sly vixen! Tell me you planned it such that you miss me! :P Anyways, lemme know if you ever need any help with getting around.

October 10, 2006 6:09 PM  
Blogger sinusoidally said...

Oh c'mon now. So long you understood what he meant it is all good. I am assuming that you do not know Gujarati, but if you did what was the harm in talking to the guy in his language? :-)

October 11, 2006 7:21 PM  
Blogger APOO said...

Sines: Hmmm... you need to know my history with Gujju Uncles. They always hit on me, have proposals (their daughters) and they assume I am Gujju and just start off.... so its gone past my patience level. And yes, I do understand and talk reasonbly fluent Gujju.
Anyways, always makes interesting conversation.

October 11, 2006 7:44 PM  
Anonymous rajesh said...

that waffle is so much like 'rocket' of chacha chowdhary & sabu comics!
keep going dude, excellent :))

November 25, 2006 3:11 PM  
Blogger Neetal said...

This comment has been removed by the author.

September 16, 2007 10:29 PM  

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