Thursday, January 25, 2007

Iyer Goes To Marriage Hall

And so do we.... the only difference is we come back single! So its official. Good ol' Iyer is married. Now if you are looking out for photos of Mr. & Mrs. Iyer, I'll leave the man himself to release an official snap of the two. However what I plan to go about doing is describe the awesome time we had at the wedding and reception.

The wedding took place at a temple in Matunga (Mumbai). Getting there was an interesting experience where we saw a biker being tossed off his bike, Abhi screeching his car at every turn and a hilarious discussion with a friend over whether an island exists amid the Dharavi slums. However, reaching the temple was a completely different experience. First off, I had no idea such a temple could exist in the heart of Mumabai. Called the Kochu Aiyyvaru (I am sure I got the spelling wrong), my belief that such magnificent architecture exists only down south was shattered.

Some things to know at South Indian weddings:

- You get to eat on banana leaves (well, it also happens at Maharastrian weddings), but the south side is a different experience.
- There are no forks, knives or spoons. Use your hands, which is fine if you have been born and bought up in India.
- Never miss out on the Paayasam. Its the most awesome thing which could happen to mankind. Iyers wedding had two types, what we called the white paayasam and dark paayasam (due to its color - and more so to draw comparison with white rum and dark rum). As a matter of fact we also did 30 ml payasam shots which Abhi found out (after 24 hours) does not get you drunk but disturbs your tummy.
- Never mention any non-vegetarian food. I figured this out the wrong way. As we entered the hall, I asked aloud - "Do they have chicken for lunch?"
- Call people by their first name. Since we always call Iyer as Iyer and not by his first name, entering the hall and shouting "Iyer" resulted in 100 people staring at us. All Iyer's.
- When rice is served, let the person know when to stop. Dont talk to Abhi as rice is served. Else your banana leaf is all covered with rice.
- Also, make a hole in the middle of the mound of rice. Thats where the sambhar (gravy) to have the rice with goes. If you dont do that, the gravy flows all over your banana leaf.
- Once the gravy and rice is mixed, you make rice balls out of small portions and toss 'em in your mouth. This requires a high level of practice and as I found out, you usually miss your mouth and hit every other part of your face.
- Its difficult getting to the bride and bridegroom. They are swamped by relatives 24X7, however we did manage to get to Iyer and made him click a snap in his famous Sanjeev Kumar pose.

I came upon these musicians playing a few instruments. The lead apparently got pissed off at me pointing the camera at him and stopped playing.

However, my friend was more than happy to exhibit his dance moves.

Iyer, wishing the two of you an awesome married life, lotsa love and loads of paayasam!

Sunday, January 21, 2007


Day: Saturday
Time: 11:30 PM
Place: Alaps house
Props: Cell Phone

Alap: Ah, Domino's. Finally you guys answered the phone!
Domino Guy (DG): Yes Sire.
Alap: Ok, Can you tell me what veggie options you guys have?
DG: Garden Veggie, Farm blah and blah blah blah.
Alap: Thats a long list, tell me something which has cheese, onion and mushrooms.
Abhi: (drunk on Southern Comfort) A cheese onion mushroom pizza.
Alap: Ok, farm fresh veggie it is. And something with spicy chicken?
DG: (gives options).
Alap: Cool, the veggie can come in a 8" thin crust right?
DG: Nope, 10" for thin crust.
Alap: OK, make it thin crust 10", one farm fresh veggie and two spicy chicken.

DG: Sorry sir, we are closed for the day.
Alap: Huh? You are closed? If you are closed why are you talking to me then?
DG: Sir, you were asking questions, so I was answering.

I personally think Alap has met his match. Soul-mate. Check-mate!

Wednesday, January 10, 2007

So How Is Your Sex Life?

Getting down to Mumbai and walking the by-lanes is always fun. More fun is when you meet people you know, but not know so well, expect a hello-how-are-you but end up getting a libido quiz.

It so happens I am walking from the local vegetable seller around the corner carrying a bag of potatoes, when I bump into this girl I have known for years. Known to the extent of each time we cross paths, she smiles, I smile, both say hello and go our separate ways. And so I expect the same this time. Hence I say Hello and smile, and to my surprise she plunges into conversation.

She: Oh, back from USA?
Me: Yup (smiling)
She: So howz it there?
Me: Good (still smiling)
She: So how is your sex life?
Me: (no smile)

This goes into a catch-22 situation. When you leave for USA, half the Indian population thinks the air-hostess gives you a lap-dance and you are greeted by strippers when you land. So telling her - "Bad, very bad" would make me look like a loser. In reality, that is fine, I am used to the loser tag, but the fear at this moment was if she said, "Oh, how sad, I could help you improve it" (yes, I know my life is too sad for even that to happen, but I couldnt risk it).

However saying something like, "Oh, its nice, its very nice" would feed the rumour mills of Nandanvan with a "Apoorva acts in C-grade Hollywood movies".

Hence, as the wise may have figured out by now, I was faced with one of the most difficult questions of my life. How is my sex life? And what did I opt to do? I dropped the bag of potatoes I was carrying, which thankfully worked well since both of us went running after the potatoes. After putting them back in my bag, she smiled, I smiled and like old times, went our separate ways.