Friday, December 30, 2005

iJalpa. iCircuit. iGujju.

Everyone knows my fascination for Gujjus by now. As a matter of fact, I proudly admit I was a Gujju my last life and am a Gujju by heart this life.

So as life would have it, the last moment flight I took (be Indian, fly Air India) from Newark, NJ happened to terminate not at Mumbai, but at Ahmedabad, with a stopover at Mumbai. What does that translate to? Loads of Gujjus on the plane! All heading to Aamadabaad!

Being early at the airport has an advantage. I get to choose my seat, which ends up being an aisle seat near the emergency exit (its Air India, better be close to the emergency exit). What I do not realize is, I will also be next to the toilets.

So I seat myself in the aisle seat, next to hip looking Gujju chick. She flashes me a smile and I make a growling sound at her. She still doesnt get it and says, "I, Jalpa"

Viola! I have a hep Gujju sitting next to me. A fan (or creation?) of Steve Jobs perhaps.

Yes, iExperience, iJalpa!

So I settle my lousy butt on the seat, and kick back to enjoy the iJalpa experience. Amidst all this, Kanubhai and Alpeshbhai are gassing everyone from their seats.

"Sir, you cannot leave your seat now, we are preparing for take off", says airhostess.

"Restroom. Restroom javanoo chey", says Pradeepbhai.

So while hostess wrestles with Pradeepbhai and Pradeepbhai with his bladder... the plane takes off.

iJalpa feels she needs to strike up a conversation with me.

"Ahmedabad naa chho?"
"Oh... mara cousins Mumbai naa chhe! Ville Parle khabar chey tamhe?"
"whats your name?"
"Nice name. I, Jalpa"

Ho-Hum. Ta-Dum.
Where is the rum?

"Vacation maate jaavo chho" [going for vacation?]
"Lagan thayee gayoo tamharu?" [Are u married?]
"No. You interested?"
"Ho Ho Ho. Humour karo chho?" [Ho Ho Ho! Are you making humour?]

Rum, Rum! In comes the Rum.

"You drink eh?"
"Every nite. Without 4-5 pegs I cant sleep. You dont drink?"
"Orange juice. Keep it healthy!" (gives huge smile)
"Rum is healthy"
"Ho Ho Ho! Humour karo chho?"
"Just to let you know, I am not Gujarati!"

That (thankfully) shut iJalpa up!

Now this kid sitting somewhere ahead of me in the opposite aisle, looks around and smiles at me. I smile back. She gets all shy and turns around. This continues for a while, with me waving to her and she hiding behind the seat. Then again I see a head pop out and this time I stick my tongue out (just to be different) to find her Mom. Eh? She stares at me and goes back into hiding like her daughter. Then both, Mom and daughters heads pop out.... daughter smiles, Mom gives a stern look and both go back into hiding.

Time passes by without any movement. And then both Mom and daughter get up and start walking towards me. Mom, pushing a slightly hesitant daughter.

"Ask Him", Mom says.
Daughter turns around and hugs onto Mummy all shy.
I look around... finding an escape route, while iJalpa looks amused.

Mom of daughter looks at me, and says, "She thinks you are a movie star. Circuit from Munnabhai MBBS"
Daughter looks at me from the corner of her eyes and again shy away.

I was like, "Oh mannn... " *My ego, My ego* - sorry, *apun kaa ego, apun kaa ego kaisa fullrelai baap*

iJalpa almost comes to me within kissing distance.
"Yeah, lage chey, thodo lage chey" [translated to - he does look a little like him]

"Ok, I am not him, but u still want my autograph?" says me, pushing iJalpa away.

Mom: "See, I told you he is not"
Takes confused daughter away.
iJalpa looks at me with loadsa love in her eyes. Has she found her iCircuit?

Where is the rum?

We say our iGoodbyes at Mumbai.... and I promise her, I shall never see her again.

Some things about flying the AI flight:

* People dont lock doors when they go to pee. I have seen 3 naked Patels and never been so traumatized.
* Never take the seat near the toilet. When the line builds up, everyone gasses you right in your face
* The AC started to leak at take off and before landing. Got a beautiful girl all wet. The airhostess solution to it was sticking tissue paper in the overhead area.
* Beware the AI staff at Paris. They will barge into the toilets even if you lock the door.
* Announcements dont say, "Ladies and Gentlemen" but "Laadies and Gentlemen"


Thursday, December 29, 2005

Kasa Kai?

Bara aahe!

I am in Mumbai.

Yup. Very abrupt. Very sudden. Its as good as saying, "I was walking in downtown, saw a plane fly over my head and thought - I need to go to India"

A thought, and a HOPE!

Oh well, here I am. Travelled through a Gujju packed Air India flight. More on that later. Right now, its time to party and make merry.

People, lets meet up.... and get sloshed!

Saturday, December 24, 2005

Honeymoon Discounts

I absolutely adore my Aunt. Moms sister to be precise. I fondly call her "Maushi" (aunt in marathi) and since I was born she is been pampering me! Now, the only problem is, she still thinks I am about 5 years old. Or rather, sometimes she pretends so, which makes me drop my gaurd like a kid ready to be pampered, and then she shoots out some of the best one liners. And usually all talk between us is casual, you know the ones where you kinda sit with your best buddy and mutter things at random which might make a third party wonder what the hell are they talking? So when I talk to her on the phone, the conversation is hilarious.

Maushi: Do you have a bath everyday?
Me: Nah, once a week.
Maushi: Ewwww... Friday to Friday?
Me: Yeah, Jooma to Jooma.
Maushi: How do any girls sit next to you?
Me: They dont, unless its Friday.
Maushi: At this rate, u'll never get married.
Me: -silence-
Maushi: No. Tell me, do you have someone there, or I'll start searching someone here for you!
Me: Oh, and what kinda girl will you search?
Maushi: Leave that to me. You just come to India and get married.
Me: Uh. I dont even know the girl and marry?
Maushi: Yeah, quick wedding. Come for 2 weeks, one day engagement, one day wedding. Then we'll go to Kulu Manali for honeymoon!
Me: We?????
Maushi: Yeah. Why? They have these deals. One couple pays and other gets in free. Buy one, get one free. So me and your uncle will come along. And if we take your Mom n Dad along, Mama and Mami will also get to come along. So all of us can go.
Me: Uh... ok.
Maushi: So? I start looking?
Me: I am too shocked. I mean, if you have my honeymoon all chalked out with discounted fares, I am sure you have already started looking.
Maushi: No, not me. You know I am kidding. But lets discuss this. Your uncle, the other day he was telling me he saw this really beautiful girl and thought she would be ideal for you. He should have asked....
Me: One sec. What was Uncle doing looking at other girls?
Maushi: Good point. I didnt think of that. Ok. Can I call you later?
Me: Sureeeeeeee..... by the way, go easy on him.

I love my Uncle. When I was a kid I used to traumatize my Mom (she says I still do, but we'll leave that for another day). So when she used to run behind me with a baton in her hand, my Uncle used to always jump in and save me! The man always saves the day! Even till today.

Thursday, December 22, 2005

Beauty & The Beholder

Apoorva Musings #87562349

If beauty lies in the eyes of the beholder, why would you push me back when I hold you? If I dont hold you (close or tight enough), how would I know the depth of your beauty?

Monday, December 19, 2005

Will The Stiletto Ladies Please Sit Down?


And BAH!

Also... Ouch!

Remember those laws of motion? Apoorva at rest will continue to be in a state of rest, till forced into motion.

So while this soul was at peace with himself, slouched on his couch ready to watch the Giants pick on the Eagles, swing by the peace-breakers.

"Lets go out"


"Ok, we never go out. Lets go out."

"Thats what what you always say and we end up going out."

"Come on man Apoo, get a life."


45 mins pass and I find myself at this weird-ass place. It was some cafe. But the last thing it resembled was..... a cafe! It was over-crowded with people from the age of 20 to 60. Expensive (damn!) booze. Loud music. Smoke. Hot. And enough space to stand on your toes. The perfect blend to piss me off and remind me of the Virar Fast!

So while everyone decided to stand in the crowd (and call it dancing), I decided to stand in what I call the perfect spot. Next to the bar in front of a Television Screen. Perfect spot till the (drunk) lady next to me figures out I am Indian and tries to explain a touchdown.

Lady, I know, but you are drunk, so you wouldnt know that I know!

At this moment a pretty brunette decides to get a drink and walk through the non-existing space between me and drunk lady.
And I cringe in pain!

"Oh, I am sorry", says pretty brunette.
"Ouch, ouch & ouch", said my grimaced face as I jump around on one foot.

Damn those stilettos!

All this has no effect on the drunk lady, who is still trying to figure out the meaning of a touchdown.

Apparently, pretty brunette has got her drink and decides to retrace her path. And retrace to perfection.
"Oh my Gawd, I am so sorry"
, says Pretty brunette as she watches me kick off my shoes and crash on the floor, examining my toe.

"Thats a touchdown", yells drunk lady.

"Do you want a doctor?", says dumb pretty brunette.

For the next few hours, I was so sure my toe was a gonner. Wearing shoes is painful. I have been attending meetings wearing chappals. Its too cold to walk out in floaters so I have to wear shoes till I get into the car and heat it up. Then change into floaters. The only consolation. No broken bones.

Ladies, if you are short, God has made you short for a reason. Accept it. And if you are amazonian, you dont need those stiletto heels. So leave those stilettos at home! Please. You gurls are trying to balance yaselves anyways with those stilettoes on. And even if you do plan to wear them, make sure I am not within stamping distance!

Saturday, December 17, 2005


Today is gonna be the day
That they're gonna throw it back to you
By now you should've somehow
Realized what you gotta do
I don't believe that anybody
Feels the way I do about you now

Backbeat the word was on the street
That the fire in your heart is out
I'm sure you've heard it all before
But you never really had a doubt
I don't believe that anybody feels
The way I do about you now

And all the roads we have to walk along are winding
And all the lights that lead us there are blinding
There are many things that I would
Like to say to you
I don't know how

Because maybe
You're gonna be the one who saves me ?
And after all
You're my wonderwall

Today was gonna be the day?
But they'll never throw it back to you
By now you should've somehow
Realized what you're not to do
I don't believe that anybody
Feels the way I do
About you now

And all the roads that lead to you were winding
And all the lights that light the way are blinding
There are many things that I would like to say to you
I don't know how

I said maybe
You're gonna be the one who saves me ?
And after all
You're my wonderwall

I said maybe
You're gonna be the one who saves me ?
And after all
You're my wonderwall

Said maybe
You're gonna be the one that saves me
You're gonna be the one that saves me
You're gonna be the one that saves me

- Oasis

One of my favorites.

Let er' rip!

Wednesday, December 14, 2005

Bond. Desi Bond. Again!!!

Yeah. SHE is back. The all time love of my life returns. I am on seventh heaven, coz I simply had been missing her so much since she was gone. And life will never be the same from now. Those of you sadist guessing gurus who got it right, and caught the sarcasm in my words... she is baaak! The banana grabbing, jewellery shedding, holy ghost fearing reincarnation of P.T. USHA is back (by popular demand). And this time with new tricks up her sleeve.

Its the regular early morning scene at work. Now, let me divert a bit. Need to make a note to myself. I need to change the way my monitor is placed. When someone enters my room, he can see exactly whats displayed on my screen. End note. (Ok, no wisecracks like 'How the hell do you surf porn?')

So I am eating oatmeal (no, no bananas this time) and for a change, logged onto rediff, reading how the test between India and Sri Lanka has been washed out. And I sense this figure behind me. Turn around and see Madame Desi, doing her jig to draw my attention.

MD: "Apoorva, I need to ask you for a favor"
Me: "Uh. What kind? What favor?"
MD: "Can you take my photo?"
Me: "Eh?"
MD: "You see, I am going to India and I have to get my visa stamped. They say you need company photos there. Whenever you are free, can you?"

This is where the computer screen comes into play. Had it not been facing her, I could have said, "Yeah, ok, later, busy now", but now that she had seen that I was reading how Sachin was struggling to swim on Chinnaswamy Stadium, I said, "OK. Lets do it now"
(no pun intended there)

So MD walks up to her cube (me following her) and takes out an amazing 8X optical zoom digi-cam. Ok, I am a sucker for electronics. But somehow, this aint turning me on. Then she seats herself and flashes a 240 Volts smile.

Ok, Apoorva, just take the snaps and get out!

-Click, Click, Click-

Me: "Here. Bye"
MD: "Wait. Can you zoom in?"
Me: "MD!! How do u think these pics are helping you? I can setup a cube like this at my place. Whats the gaurantee for the stamping guy that this pic is been taken in our company?"
MD: -Shocked Look-
Me: (slightly raised and frustrated voice)"Go down, stand next to the company flag, the company logo, and take the photo. Flash your badge. Give them proof. This is not proof."

- Silence -

MD: "Ok, can you take my photo downstairs?"

Readers, do any of you know how to make poison? Help a suffering man!

And those of you wondering.... NO, THERE WERE NO FURTHER PHOTO SESSIONS.

After few days I saw her with another Desi gentleman, walking the corridors, wondering why the photos are not printing in color.

MD: "You know why this is not printing in color?"
Me: "That printer prints in color for me. Usually I print word docs or webpages. So embed your image in word and print it. If that doesnt work, make an html page with the pic on it and print it"
MD: "Ok, so I should embed in word?"
Me: "Yeah!"

Ok, that was the crappiest advice I have ever given anyone at work. And I feel so happy about it!

Sunday, December 11, 2005

Why Me?

So I was at a club. I see this very hot girl at the other end. I think, either she is real or I am a little too drunk. So I walk to her and ask her for a dance. She say - "No, I am Sorry." I make all sad face. Girls always fall for the sad Apoorva face. She gently run her hand through my hair. I think, its working. She smile and say, "Its not you. I am just not into men." I thought....

Why Me?

The first job I had, they laid me off in 2 months. A sudden change in management had them outsourcing their projects. I thought....

Why Me?

My last girlfriend left me and started going around with my best friend. My best friend is a girl. I thought....

Why Me?

(Ok, I made that last one up!)

But, there has always been a point in everyones life which has made us ask the inevitable question to ourselves. "Why Me?" My friend lost his dad in the Mumbai bomb blasts. His Dad had walked out of the bank when he realised he has forgotten to return the cashiers borrowed pen. He went inside to return it and rest is tragedy.

A friend of mine from school died when the gas cylinder at his place exploded. His Dad, Mom and he were fast asleep when the gas leaked out. His Mom survived.

My grandfather used to tell me about a friend of his who had to get his left leg amputated. In the worst of errors, they amputated the right one.

Suddenly the "Why Me?" which we keep saying sounds very trivial right? But rest assured, there is an answer to it.

The other day I was out with a friend of mine. The topic of the evening was tragedy. Well, to be more precise, Tragedy in Her life. Thank God for making alcohol for such times. She kept going on about the "Why Me?" situation of her life, till I casually said, "Its you because you can take it and can come out of it."

How true. Its you because you could take it. Because you would come out of it. When I lost my job, I wondered why me. I had just bought a car, had monthly payments to make, had to make a sudden dash to India and at the back of my mind, wondered how I would get through without any cash inflow. At that moment, it was a complete "Why Me?" situation. Hey, two years later. I survived. And the car is still mine. :)

My friend who lost his Dad, he passed his 10th, his 12th and got his engineering degree from the same college as mine. Last I know, he is in USA. Doing well.

Its you because you are strong enough to handle that situation. And passing through that phase will only make you stronger. During that instance of tragedy, we limit our thoughts to that very moment and usually blind ourselves to the future. So the next time you feel like saying, "Why Me?", hold back and say, "It'd rather be me, coz someone else might not have been able to take it". Work on the solution rather than drown yourself thinking about the problem.

You crib because you are single? Its teaching you to be one hell of an independent person. Look at opportunities which you can make use of which couples cant!

You crib because your girl/boyfriend left you? Its hardening you to face the delicate bond of relationships, teaching you how to handle them better. Perhaps showing you something new about yourself.

You crib because your girlfriend took you shopping for jeans? Oh well, you at least made friends with the lady selling General Tso chicken.

Till then, just remember, the next time you say "Why Me?" there are many people who are worse off and would rather be in your shoes. Make the best of every obstacle to build yourself into a robust being.

Wednesday, December 07, 2005

And God Said...

.... let it Snow!

And the world went black and white. Not the gloomy black and white. But the artistic black and white. With a tinge of red, and yellow. The leaves had not yet lost their color, but the color seemed to be lost somewhere in the white.

Its that feeling, when you watch too many color movies and suddenly watch a classic black and white. You love it!

Thats how it felt when I got up this morning.

The world looked different. It felt like a new beginning. Like mother nature saying to earth, "There I have buried all your troubles under this white blanket. They'll dissolve with time and then you start anew!"

All this and more....

Till I saw my car.

I Hate Snow Cleaning!!!

Monday, December 05, 2005

Osama.... Shot....!

The man was shot live in Annapolis, MD. Shot through the lens of a camera. Repeated surgery on him makes him look younger, his beard is well trimmed now, his never conspicious nose is grown into an attention seeking monster and once in a while, he throws in a smile.

Oh, and the women dig him, and tempt him with Starbucks coffee!

Did you guys know Osa has a thing for Starbucks Coffee? ;)

Okai, we were down in Annapolis for
Kallu's birthday and I was walking around like a broke nomad (uh, are all nomads broke anyways?) wearing a green bagel boys kinda hooded top which made me look like I had masterminded a prison break (ok, mental asylum break).

Till it got cold, I had kept the head cover down. But once the wind started hitting the deck (hey, its Annapolis, they all talk deck and mast there) the head gear went up. And so did Forams excited voice

Foram: "Apoorva, you look so weird. I always wanted a snap clicked with a weirdo. Send it to India, scare my parents."
Ajay: "Pose pose" - holding the camera
Priya: "Me too, me too"
Kathy: "I also want to be in the foto"
Kallu: "This is going to go so well on you blog maan!"

- Click -

* All CIA guys who have done a Google for Osama and landed up on this post, please relax and dont get excited. The above mentioned person is silly ol' me. And if you are still reading, I have no clue about his hideouts, and no, you cant tempt him out with Starbucks.

** Rest of ye women, you can tempt me out for a Starbucks coffee. Tall, Cafe Mocha, just the way they make it.

*** No, dont even think about asking me to get rid of that beard.

Friday, December 02, 2005


Sometimes we just end up seeing the bigger picture. Chase the bigger dream and end up missing on the small beauties of life.

And sometimes we just end up paying so much attention to the small details that we end up missing the bigger picture.

I thought I was running. Running fast, somewhere ahead. Till I saw myself pass the same people again and again. And whats funny, they were not even running. For 26 years, I have been running in circles, chasing my own tail. So much so that now I experience a centripetal force, pulling me to what my mind refuses to be true. Knows, to be false. To pursue that which is not worth it, and overlook what was there forever.

Things which come free are overlooked. Sometimes, they are the best. Price, is like a sugar coating on poison pills. Poison, that kills slowly. But steadily.

Love, the free four lettered centripetal force. Emotions. The price attached to it.

Thursday, December 01, 2005

Bappi To Be...

Image 2Image 2
Image 1Image 2
And they said no one can look like Bappi!!

My six step guide to be a future Bappi.

  1. Grow your hair, make it straight, but ruffled. If you lack hair, use hair transplant. Work as Bappi's bathroom cleaner and you might actually get the original piece in the drain.
  2. Eat. Anything remotely associated with fat. Eat!
  3. Befriend Nagardas Jhaveriwala & sons and Popley & Sons. Get all the jewellery possible. Specially long necklaces and finger rings.
  4. Ray Bans. Know the closest Ray Bans outlet.
  5. Make up. Loads of powder. Always keep it at hand and on face.
  6. Bright clothes. Long clothes. Long bright clothes.

Repeat the above repeatedly.

Image 2Image 2
Someone said it was not possible?

*And now I go and plan the fastest escape route when I land at Mumbai airport from the person I have nominated as future Bappi look-alike!*

For all music/movie/song offers you have to make, contact him

"You are my Chicken Fry" Plays in The background