Apoo Does A Naked Chef

FYI: The title maybe a little misleading. There is no nudity involved.

Mom: "And for dinner, you want....?"
Me: "Pani-Puri"

2 hours later, Dad returns from grocery shopping. Yes, my family is ice-age. Women sit at home while the menfolk go out hunting for food.

Me: "Only one packet? Thats like 50 puri's"
Mom: "So, how many do you want?"
Me: "I'll eat that myself" (leaves home in hunt of more puri's)

Mom: (Looking towards Dad) "Is he serious about having this for dinner?"
Dad: "What say we add a high dose of Black Label to the 'pani' [water]? It might knock him off after 20."
Mom: "And U'll have 50 then!!"

I dont know if they added Scotch to the pani, or they added something else, but it sure made me star in the this family video.

Presenting: How to Make Pani-Puri in under 1 minute.


View this clip on Vimeo

Comments from a friend after viewing this video:
"You look like an escaped convict devoid of pani-puri for a lifetime"


The Joshi family has a tradition of "What the child does, the father has to do better" (I so cant wait to kick my kids ass!!)


Presenting: How to react after eating pani-puri


View this clip on Vimeo

Note: Anyone who calls me over for lunch/dinner/breakfast/tea, make sure you have Pani-puri (or gol-guppas or puchkas, or whatever u call it). I love em!!

Bird had a very entrepreneurial idea of selling Tequila shots off a hand cart outside railway stations. Bird, I say you also try pani-puri with Black Label as the water. Or Tequila shots in puri's - 'Tequila Puri'.

"My Life"

You get up, all grumpy. Like a computer, you execute your commands. Brush, breakfast, leave for work, the same road, the same potholes, the same work, the same people. Leave for home, the same roads, the same potholes, the same chinese lady behind the food counter.... you get the drift.

Till suddenly, one fine day, like today, you get to work, check mail and find a mail from your best buddy. Yeah, out of the blue, a mail from Nishchal with the subject line, "My Life". Now usually if I get a mail from him (which is once in a blue moon - so much for being best pals!!), it'll have the subject line, "Hi" or "Songs". The body of the mail, tho, will be the same. Something like, "I have 5 women in my life. I dont know who to go steady with, so I am giving them all a chance. But its been five months now and they had enough of a chance, so I'm thinking of dumping them all. By the way, do you have this song - "Fixing a Broken Heart". If you do, please send it over. My Mom says Hi and Dad says you should get married. Oh, hope you are doing fine."

So, today when I found a mail from him, with the subject line, saying, "My Life", I was amused. Nevertheless, here is the copy-paste of the email body:

(quote)

Hey Apoo,
As my luck would have it! About a year back , my dad's school friend had called up asking him if it was possible for his daughter to stay at our place. She was coming down for some fashion show. However my dad had to turn it down , cos my parents were going to Nasik that week and I was busy too.

Guess who that girl has turned out to be ??? The new Femina Miss India , Neha Kapoor. :((

Amen !
Nishchal.

(unquote)

I have digested this news in the most calm and mature manner possible. Why you ask? Simply coz I trust Nishchal. To goof up. Now, had she stayed over at his place, the guy would surely have done something to turn her off and I, like a good friend, would be standing right there to catch her off the first bounce. Now the fact that this did not happen (thanks to someone being busy), means I have lost my chance of being Mr. India (no, not the invisible man - I am in no mood for PJ's at this time).

Ok, Nishchal, I know you dont read my blog (coz you are busy!!) but I have a question for ya!

- When someone asks if their daughter who is a model could stay over at your place and your parents are going to Nashik, why the hell would you say you were busy? -

Model.
Fashion show.
Daughter.
Parents not home.
So you and her alone.

And you are busy??


And models have friends in the modelling industry. Who have a high probability of being hot. So if you dont like her, she opens the doors to greener fields. Say this mantra everyday!


In the future if your Dad has any other school friends, whose daughter(s) are potential Miss India's, I AM NEVER BUSY!

And as I take ya leave, I shall leave you with a portrait of what you missed out on.

Note: One good part of my India trip was I got Nishchal to blog. Unfortunately the only thing he writes about is his school life (read: MBA), and clicks photos of him and all the women he proposed to in between lectures. Nevertheless, I'll do him a favour by linking to him. :P

On a serious note, I feel your pain bro. I am always with ya.... guiding you to another Neha Kapur (so I could catch her off the first bounce!!)

P.S: Could you ask your Dad to call up Mr. Kapur and let him know you guys are back from Nashik and Neha could come and stay over anytime?

Love & Hate Collide

Love them or hate them;
They can cause the same disturbance in your life

They say the CLOSEST emotion to love;
Is that of Hate

Both, have a stark resemblance.

So when you said you couldnt love me;
You cant blame me for making you hate me

At least I have the satisfaction;
I got the CLOSEST I could.

"The easiest kind of relationship for me is with ten thousand people. The hardest is with one."
- Joan Baez

Presenting That Special Someone....

I had promised that post on someone special. Here goes:

Note: Excuse the length of this post.

Q) Your first memory?
From what I remember, entering into the Joshi family when I was about 10 days old (and Mom saying I am smarter than Apoorva - which frankly is not saying much). I used to get big time pampered when I was spoon fed by Mom. Only the food was yuck. Some weird mix of crushed 'chana' and water. Lady, just bring on the Bacardi n Chilis!!

Q) Your biggest trauma?
Oh, dont ask, everyone was under the false impression I was male. Its even better than the Michael Jackson saga. Yeah, us Joshis are funny. I thought if I get friendly with the mankind and attack the womankind, they would guess I am female. So I ended up being best buddies with Apoorva and bit Mom all the time. But still, they named me Sunny, not Shonali. It took them two years to figure out I am female. Sheesh! Look! No pee-pee! Its that simple!

Q) But you still carried on with the name Sunny?
Yes. Many people do that. Heard of Karan Johar, Manish Malhotra? You think they are male?

Q) Whats the corniest thing you have done?
When I was a kid and relatively friendly, Apoorva used to walk up and kiss me a couple of times in the day... and make those disgusting kissing sounds. (No, no, this is just like how a Bro would lovingly kiss his sis, but to imagine Apoorva kissing anyone is disgusting. If his girlfriend/wife ever reads this - dear, I feel your trauma). Being the talking parrot that I am, I learnt those kissing sounds and now repeat them when anyone enters home. Sometimes, some of Apoorvas girlfriends get freaked out when they hear, "Muah baby, Muah Muah. Gimme a kiss baby, Muah! Muaaahhh" and some say "Howww Cutttteeee" and come close enough for me to draw blood. He he he! I am evil.

Madame, one quick photo please. Will you pose?



- Click -

~ Sunny gives his (umm, her) "I am on the bed" seductive pose. ~

Q) The person you admire the most? And why?
Dad. It used to be Apoorva till he broke my heart by leaving for USA and having an affair without my knowledge. Also, as I grew up, I realised its Dad who earns enough to make the bread and butter. Apoorva still borrows money from Dad. And since I know Dad reads this blog, I have to say Dad. Right now, I am in a default mode of bite everyone but Dad. Oh well, after all he is a handsome man! I just cuddle up to him and let him pet me.

View this clip on Vimeo
Dad Petting Sunny

Q) How can one get in your good books?
Well, one thing I love is food. And drinks. Runs in the Joshi family.

Q) And to pamper you one must....
Always add ghee to the dal-rice. Else I will not eat it. Dont give me stale chapatis. The coffee must have sugar. Feed me the coffee, dont just leave it in my tray. Any kind of dry fruits are welcome. Dont make noise when I sleep. And yeah, Champagne is good. But only Apoorva gives me that.... and its supposed to be a secret between him n me. So Shhhh....

Q) The most evil thing you have done?
Oh! How can I name one? Lets see.... bit all of Apoorva's girlfriends. Ok, I am the jealous kinds. The poor guy used to think something is wrong with him. That everytime he got a girl into his room, she dumped him. Little did he know that when he visited the loo, I scared the bitch away. Its simple. Act all cute, and take advantage of the fact I am a talking parrot. Say silly stuff to her like, "Cutie, both of us like chilis, dont we?" (pun intended) and while she goes, "Oh, you naughty, naughty boy" and dreams of raising Apoorvas kids.... bite her fingers and shatter her dreams. He he he! Then lets see.....

- Uh, we dont have that much time so I would move onto the next....

Shut Up, u freaking jackass. I dont need no questions. Now stick your thumb up your mouth and listen to me.

Being a talking parrot, I am aware you guys wanna know what I can say. Here goes:

Apoorva (thats the first word I learnt and for a long time I thought it was my name. I was so happy when I realized its not.)
Apoorva good boy (I can lie sometimes)
Apoorva, wake up! (yeah, the lazy bum)
Mom, stop freaking out! (Apoorva taught me that)
Dad, where is the coffee? (I need my morning dose of coffee)
Uncle, where is Aunty?
Hey Grandmom, good morning!
Ganpatibappa, Moriyaa (I am religious... actually they say that so many times in the festival, I had to pick it up!)
Hello Auntie. (Translates to - do u know any hot parrots?)
Stop shouting! Why the hell are you shouting? (they used to say the same to me.... I just picked it up and now say it back to them)
Gimme a kiss (followed by kissing noises)
What happened? Why are you shouting?
Sunny is the sweetest (I am a Narcissist - gives Madame Mahima a stare)
Mithoo Mithoo Popat.

Other random things that I do:
If you cough, I will imitate your coughing.
If you sneeze, I will imitate your sneezing.
If you laugh, I will imitate your laughter.
If you come too close, I will poop on you.
If you come even closer, I will bite you.
I can turn my head by almost 360 degrees.

I cant fly for nuts. Its like one of those cartoons. I can take off, but dont know when to stop. so I go straight into a wall and fall down. Thats my style for landing.

Once a dog chased me. I made so much noise that he got scared and ran away.

Once Bird mentioned I could be mascot for Nanguys (since I am a noise producing machine). I would gladly take on that honor for a lifetime supply of chillis. (And the Nanguys should stop harassing Bird, I think he is nice feathered friend - Bird, next time they harass you, poop on them or bite em fella!)

Many a time I have substituted for Apoo's alarm clock. Only, I dont come with a snooze button!

And thats enough, now I return to the cage for my night nap. I will be back in the morning if you guys have any questions in the form of comments. I shall answer them honestly but please dont ask stuff like if I have ever seen Apoo naked!

View this clip on Vimeo

*** Comments from the Author ***

Since 1988 this chap is been around like a bro (or sis, or wateva). Every engineering exam when I am burning the midnight oil, this feathered pal is around, looking at me, wondering why I am going insane. His look almost says, "Leave the books alone and come pet me!" After a while he got fed up of my late nights and started squawking away at 1 AM if I dont shut off the lights.

An interesting incident of note was when we kept his favorite food in one corner, and I held my finger out (in the bite my finger stance) in the other corner. Sunny looked at both corners a few times, gave a confused look. Thought for a while and then charged towards me to draw blood! With him around, I dont miss having a younger sister!

Once he ran under the cupboard and came out engulfed in dirt, looking all confused. The maid was horrified that her dust hiding spot had been revealed. We had a new maid very soon, an once again Mom said, "Sunny has more brains than Apoorva"

Sunny turns 18 today (10th March). Apart from looking for corrupt RTO officials who can give him a license to chauffeur my Dad around (I think he could drive a car), we are looking for a suitable match. So if you know any eligible parrots, with loads of chillis and gauvas in dowry, direct them Sunny's way. If you know any eligible females, direct them the authors way.

Tears

In bed, cuddled up, crying silently,
Just coz the one you love left you?

Thoughts from the past, like a blizzard,
storming your brain, your eyes, tearing,
Just coz it didnt work out?

Love, over used, over abused,
till you finally have to let go,
and take solace in those tears?


Cry if you must, but let your tears cleanse those emotions,
Its not worth it.
Take life with a pinch of salt.
Have you ever tasted your tears?
Even they are salty!

Persist In Insanity

"Persist in insanity long enough and it becomes normal...."

From one of Michael Hunter's blog post.

Altho his blog might not be of great interest to most of you, unless you are into software testing (or development, come on, admit it, you guys fear us testers, but love to read what we write!!), but some of his thoughts are.

Got me wondering how many times have I dwelled in insanity and come out of it feeling things are normal. Once again, it underlines what I have believed in. Take your fears head on. Thats the only way you might overcome them. Believe in your dreams, however insane they may seem. Dwell in them, live them, day n night Only then will you achieve them.

On a slightly different note, if you guys are tired of tracking your comments - welcome Cocomment. Never used it, but seems to have a good feedback.

Its been a lazy week and seems to be a lazy weekend ahead. I am somehow bored of the cold and need some good Spring weather...... soon. Come on, its March. Time to move from the Jack Daniels and Hennesseys to more colorful stuff. Last year a friend of mine did a trip to Manasarover. I think the pictures are a beauty (tho the site takes ages to open up - if you are on dial up, I wouldnt recommend this to you at all). Here is the link.

And till then, the next time someone says you are insane.... you know what to do!