How To Lose Your Friends And Alienate Yourself

Its Friday night. Well, effectively, Saturday morning. And the temperature on the east of Lake Michigan has dropped to a good 39 F. With the sudden chill thats spread over, RC and I decide to make this a Blockbuster night. FYI - Blockbuster night means renting DVD's from Blockbuster!

Now RC has never seen Eternal Sunshine of a Spotless Mind. And ages ago I had mentioned how I happened to find this movie so.... different! Well, different in a nice way. So despite many a protest, RC decides to rent Eternal Sunshine.

So there we are, sitting in front of the TV, munching pop-corn and watching the movie. I have made several attempts to sneak away and log onto the computer but RC insists I should keep her company. "If you so highly recommend a movie, you should watch it as well", are the the exact words.

Its an hour into the movie and I am so totally out of my mind. I love this movie, but tonite is so not an eternal sunshine night. Its more like an Incredible Hulk night (speaking of which, I was thinking of a remake of the Incredible Hulk which would star yours truly and would be called the Incredible HUNK. The first person I bounced this idea off almost died of laughter and hence I changed plans. But now I think it might make a good comedy. Anyways, I digress). Now those of you who might have seen the movie would know the Korgis - Everybody's Gotta Learn sometime is part of the soundtrack. And those who know me, know that I cant sing to save my soul.

As Kate Winslet walks onto the screen.

Me: (singing) Change your heaaaaaart, Look arounddddd you...
(I get a stare from RC, who has probably heard me sing for the first time)

Me: (singing) Change your heaaaaaart, it will astoooooound you

RC: OK, stop!

Me: (singing) I neeeeed your lovingggggg....

RC: I missed out on what they were saying. Shut up or I am going to beat you up! (waves remote at me)

Me: (sings) Like the sunshiiiiiiine
-whack- -whack- -whack-

Me: Oh yeah! I like that! Hit me more!

RC: (rolls eyes and goes back to watching the movie)

Me: (sings) Like the sunshine....

RC: Why dont you surf the net?



What can I say? Everybody's Gotta Learn Sometimes!!

The world is against me. I was typing this post at 1 AM and the net went off. I had no option but to return to Eternal Sunshine....

... 10 days to go!

We Are Family

Me: Dude, what do you want from the US?
Cousin Bro (CB): Hmmmm...
Me: Should I get the Wii?
CB: No! Get me basketball shorts!
Me: Huh? One sec, I got you 4 basketball shorts last time.
CB: Man, they didnt have pockets! Can you get me basketball shorts with pockets?


Me: Ok, anything you want from here?
Mom: Ummm.... when we were in Walmart...
Me: OK! No Walmart. Anything but Walmart!
Mom: Arre... but those gloves I got from there, they were really nice!
Me: OK, tell me to get you perfumes! Body creams... shoes...
Mom: You get all that in India, Apoo. I couldnt find those gloves here!


Me: What do you want from USA? (in a slightly given up tired tone)
Aunt: You sound so tired. You come here and get married.
Me: I am tired of people not answering my questions! What do you want? I am pathetic at shopping stuff for you women, so please help before I end buying something stupid like a size 15 shoe!
Aunt: See, if you get married your wife will shop for all of us!
Me: I am getting you a handbag!
Aunt: No! Get me icebreakers!
Me: You get icebreakers in India right?
Aunt: You get everything in India, but get me icebreakers!


Me: What do you want from here?
Mama: Lets see! I dont have a laptop and I have been thinking of getting one.
Me: Now you talking! What config?
Mama: But then, I have a PC at home, a PC at work. I doubt I am going to log on in the train. Whats the use of a laptop? Do this, just gimme cash!


Me: Dad?
Dad: What time does your flight get here?
Me: What do you want from US?
Dad: Nothing beta, you come here!
Me: Do you realize the customs guy is going to be verrry disappointed when I walk through with empty bags?
Dad: Last time I was visiting you, I forgot my jeans there. Can you carry those?





If you work in the Bombay imigration/customs and see two empty bags pass through the scanner - its ME!


I'll be back home for two weeks starting May 10th. Anyone wanna hang around, just drop me an email.

Also, I fly out of my favorite Gujju airport. Newark, NJ. So if you are looking for an entertaining post, keep your fingers crossed that I find another iJalpa sitting next to me.

Jesus

The more I come across these weird fanatics, the more I think I should invest in.... an iPod.

I am sitting in the sauna, you know those ten minutes of peace after an hour of exercise, when this guy sits next to me.

He: Are you from India?
Me: (nods yes)
He: Can I tell you about Jesus?
Me: No, thank you. I know about Jesus.
He: Do you know Jesus bleeds for us?

And then he keeps going on and on about Jesus.

Now I am fine with all this. Sitting through four years of engineering has taught me how to stare into open space and completely shut off from the world (world = professor lecturing on electromagnetic force). And while Mr. Preacher goes on and on, I am slipping into blank mode where I even refuse to acknowledge him.

This, till he out of nowhere goes, "The Muslims, they have got it all wrong. Islam is..."

Before he can go on, I give him the thousand yard angry look and say, "I am Muslim", and look away.

What follows is silence for a few seconds. Then he says, "Even the Hindus, they have got it all wrong. They worship too many Gods"

I inwardly smile and seriously contemplate between a $200 iPod and a $250 hand gun.

Haunted Naked

Its 5 AM, Saturday morning. The temperature lingering in the early teens. I have my thick winter coat pulled over me as I walk across the empty parking lot of the University. Its one of those moments where you get up at 4 AM and feel the urge to hit the books and your bedroom does not provide the ideal setting. Somehow the study room at the University beckons.

I swing my bag over my shoulders and tuck my hands in the pockets of the winter coat as I cross the road. I can hear my footsteps, a faint slushing sound masked by the snow on the ground. Opening the door to the University building seems to create a sound which disturbs the perfect silence of the night. The hallways feel eerie. This is the same place that I walk in two days of the week and its bustling with students. Different colors, different people. Now, it feels like walking into an empty church. Silent, but full of energy. As I walk through the hallways, passing by many a classroom, I wonder the amount of knowledge these walls might have taken in. Every square is the alma mater of tomorrows Steve Jobs or an Indra Nooyi. But now, so silent.

I make my way into the study room and lay out the books. And I have soon forgotten about my surroundings and have my nose buried in some geeky literature. This is when a slight movement catches the corner of my eye. I look up and notice a human figure having walked past the door and turned into the hallway. My eyes follow her. And I notice she is wearing a loose pink top. And thats the only piece of clothing she has on. The light in the hallway throws out the outline of her body through the clothing. Brown hair, pink shirt and one of those perfect figures. Thats all I get to see as she sashays down the hallway, her back towards me. My eyes follow her all the way till she turns the corner and I go back to my books, ever so sure about my belief - weird is normal.

A minute passes by and she reappears, this time walking in the opposite direction. Down the hallway. I see her face. Somehow beautiful doesn't seem to do justice. I shouldn't stare, but I do. She must be 20, or 21, or older, I cant make out. She notices me as she gets closer and smiles. I smile back.

"Hitting the books on a Saturday morning? Those got to be tough times!", she says.

"Nah. Only a shirt and nothing else to wear in the middle of winter, those are tough times", I reply.

She laughs. Its the regular girly laugh. "You shouldn't be complaining", she says, and walks on.

I have seen weird things during college life. But nothing like this.

Perhaps the University is haunted. Or perhaps I missed a quickie. I wouldn't know. But I sure know where I'll be 5 AM this coming Saturday.

uPay, iSleep

Was dining with a friend (lets call her Miss X) over some yummilicious ethic food. Another couple was seated on the table next to us. They were almost done and the guy asked for the check. The server comes up with the check and this is the conversation which follows as the girl starts taking out her card/cash.

"I got it", says the guy.

"No! Let me pay my share" says the girl. "No, its ok". "It is not ok. I want to pay my share", says the girl again.

This to and fro continues for a while, till the girl seems to get mighty pissed. However it seems the guy has eventually won the battle and calls the server over.

"Its not happening", she says, "I know why you are doing this. I am not going to sleep with you."

The server seems to keep a mighty straight face as he picks up the check and walks away. And also walks away the girl. And the poor guy is left in a confused state of whether to wait for his credit card and sign off, or pursue her. He does the former and then runs out with a "Can you believe that" kinda look.

Miss X and I are trying to keep a straight face and control bursting out into loud laughter amidst all this. I ask the server for our check and once it arrives she takes out her wallet.

"Ok, if thats what you want", I say. "You pay and I'll let you sleep with me."

Guess?

She: Hey! Nice jacket. Where did you get it from?
Me: Guess.
She: Ummm... Banana Republic?
Me: Errr... no, Guess!
She: Ok! Why dont you just tell me?
Me: I bought it from GUESS!
(silent moment)
She: Oh! Hehehe!



Why do brand names have to be weird?

For The Love Of Chocolate

I was walking the streets of NY a little more than a month ago with two childhood friends, AD and AA. Both of them very lovable characters. But AA, who is lovable, and a character. I have known these guys since 1st grade and AA has always been the entertainer. And he continues to do so.

As we were walking down Broadway, AA the chocolate Lover got hit by the urge to indulge in.... chocolate (no points for guessing that one). And despite strong protests from AD and myself, dragged us into Max Brennar.

AA: What are you guys having? (rubbing hands with glee)
Me: A fruit juice.
AD: Coffee.
AA: What? You have to have chocolate. Chocolate, chocolate, chocolate! Will you guys share a Chocolate mess with me?
AD & I: NOPE!
AA: I wonder if I can finish this by myself?
Me: Of course you can.
AA: I am not talking about the individual serving, I am talking about the whole thing.....
Me: Meant for 4-6 people?
AA: I have done it once before...
Me: You have?
AA: Yeah, my first date in the city. Dinner followed by Brennar!
Me: You were on a date and you had a chocolate mess meant for 4-6 people by yourself? Let me guess, you never heard back from her, right?
AA: Come to think of it.... yeah! How did you guess?
Me: I have one small advice for you. Its called 'Arranged Marriage'.
AA: OK, after I order my Chocolate Mess.





And I have been tagged by Anjali*-

BIRTHDAY TAG - 29 MARCH

The rules for this tag are simple:
(i) Go to Wikipedia and type in your birthday (month and day)
(ii) Write down 3 events, 2 births, 1 holiday, and tag 5 friends.

3 Events:
# 1857 - Sepoy Mangal Pandey of the 34th Regiment, Bengal Native
Infantry revolts against the British rule in India and inspires a long-drawn
War of Independence of 1857 also known as the Sepoy Mutiny.
# 1886 - Dr John Pemberton brews the first batch of Coca-Cola in a backyard in Atlanta, Georgia.
# 1999 - The Dow Jones Industrial Average closes at 10006.78 –
above the 10,000 mark for the first time ever.
(The way DOW is falling since a week, it wont be long before its back to the 10000 mark)


2 Births:
# 1976 - Jennifer Capriati, American tennis player
# 1939 - Terence Hill, Italian actor

1 Holiday:
# Youth Day in Taiwan
(perhaps the reason why I always look 18)

5 Tags:
Anyone. Do it if you feel like it.

Must Have Been Yellow

I love this song. I am sure most of you reading this post do.

However there are a few people who have not heard of the phenomenon called Coldplay. One such person who I, with much reluctance, call my friend happened to be in my car as "Yellow" blared from the speakers.



Friend: Which song is this?
Me: Coldplay. Yellow. You havent heard it?
Friend: Nope.
Me: Come on man. Its like the best song ever. Whats funny about it is Chris Martin came up with the lyrics when his new-born peed on him.
Friend: What?
Me: Listen to em!


"And everything you do,
Yeah, they were all yellow"

"Oh what a thing to have done,
And it was all yellow"

"Oh what a thing to do.
Cos you were all yellow"


Friend: No way! Good try tho'!
Me: Would jaundice have worked better?



The more I think about this now, the more I think this song is related to pee.

Indecision

Life is full of contradictions! Us humans, we do and undo. We build and break. We have a wise saying for everything and a wise saying against that very thing.


Love like you've never been hurt.
Once bitten, twice shy!


Beat fire with fire.
An eye for an eye, makes the world blind.


Come to think of it, the human body is full of contradictions.
The brain.
The heart.


When life contradicts, what do you listen to?
The present, or the past?

Pushing Out Of The Comfort Zone

A colleague working with me since some time says adios to her job tomorrow. Before she moved here in a consulting role, she worked with another company for 20 years. She, my boss and I happened to bump into each other at the coffee machine / water cooler few days ago. When asked by my boss where she was headed to, she replied with a "Nowhere". While working here, she started her own thing from home. And now, a few years from its conception the business is doing well and she is heading into it full time. The first question she got was - "Doesnt it scare you? To give up the security of a job and start something?"


"Till you dont push yourself out of your comfort zone you'll never know what you can achieve. For 20 years I stayed at the same job and didnt move, because of the security. The comfort. I finally decided to move here so I could be closer to home and give more time to my business. Now I wish I had done this 10 years ago. You have to get out of your comfort zone. Initially its hell, but in the end its worth it"


I couldnt agree more. Stronger muscles are built by tearing them down and pushing them to their limits and a little more. Its simple. You wont know if you can do it, unless you try it.